We still feel completely devastated. I don’t know why I’m telling you that except who else do I have to tell? There’s no one left. No one who knows me at all. I think I’ve always been afraid of being alone, and now I am. But it’s what I wanted, too, isn’t it? I can’t sort out why. Maybe to prove I could survive it. Maybe because I was too afraid of being hurt. Maybe because it’s easier. Maybe so I wouldn’t owe anyone anything. Maybe because I think I deserve it. Maybe because I feel the need to inflict pain on myself. Maybe because I didn’t want to inflict my pain on other people. Maybe because I didn’t want to need anything from anyone. Maybe because it’s just easier to be alone than to navigate relationships and attachments. Maybe all of that. Maybe even more.
Today I walked through downtown, and it was all I could do not to cry in public. It feels like I’m dying, but I can’t even name what hurts.
I hate myself for feeling like this. What a fucked-up freak. I yelled at you about how coercing switches was a boundary violation, but I’m hurt that you respected the boundary I set by ending the therapy relationship. I told you before that I create impossible situations, but I could never explain it to you so you understood. This is the kind of thing I meant. I set up these situations where there’s no way for either of us to win, and every possible outcome inflicts pain.
I have to be pretty goddamn twisted to be upset that you didn’t violate my boundaries. I guess that’s the only kind of “love” I’ve ever known. If you don’t force your way into my life, you must not really care about me that much. Chase me, catch me, violate me. Hell, when my father violated me and I resisted, maybe I wanted that too. Maybe I secretly wanted him to force himself on me to prove he loved me. Maybe I really am that fucked up.
The alternative explanation is I’m just an attention whore. Maybe I said I was quitting therapy just to get your attention. Maybe I never intended to quit because I didn’t think you would just let me walk away like that. Maybe I wanted to make you feel bad so I wouldn’t be the only one hurting, so I wouldn’t be alone with the pain. Maybe I really am that cold and manipulative.
Either way, I’m a bad person.
I honestly don’t know which of these is true. I don’t know why I’m feeling these floods of unbearable feelings. I don’t know what I want or why. I don’t know what I am anymore. It’s all a blurry mess: “The absolute erodes. The boundary, the wall around the self erodes.” (Louise Gluck)