Really not okay since therapy this morning. Normally I’d call my team leader, but she’s away on vacation. I don’t really feel like I could talk about this with the other people on my team. And it’s almost the weekend, and I’ll be all alone.
I tried taking a nap. I tried knitting. I tried watching DVD’s. I tried playing dumb iPhone games. I tried reading. I tried looking at pictures of cute baby animals. I tried taking a PRN. I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to do, and none of it’s helping.
My head is all chaos and I have a pounding headache that Tylenol doesn’t touch and someone in my head–maybe me, I don’t even know anymore–wants to slice me up because then the feelings would stop.
I wanted to stop freaking out in therapy this morning. I knew I could–I’m good at shutting down feelings, but I didn’t really want to do that. I wanted to survive it and let it pass without doing any lasting damage. That’s what I really want. I keep getting told that the feelings pass, but they never seem to for me. Or at least, it takes a hell of a lot longer for me than other people.
I keep thinking I’m faking it for attention but then why couldn’t I even keep my eyes open. Name three red things in the room, five purple things, four brown things. That’s all she was asking me to do. If I made it all up, then why did that freak me out so much I couldn’t do it?
But why would that freak me out? Why would that freak anyone out? It happened at Sheppard Pratt a bunch of times too. It was terrifying and overwhelming, but I felt like my therapist there would get mad at me if I didn’t do what she said. She’d just keep pushing and pushing, so I’d name whatever things in the room she asked, but there was this rage because she didn’t understand how terrifying it was and I couldn’t tell her. Somebody HATED her, wanted to scream at her whenever she made us open our eyes.
I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand most of what’s going on right now. I think I know what set all these bad feelings off, but I don’t know what the feelings are or why I’m having this specific reaction or how I can survive it.
I just know I hate this.