Devastated

We just feel really devastated right now. We finally read the email A wrote back to us yesterday, and she didn’t even try to get us to come back. Like she didn’t care about us at all.

It’s stupid to be upset about that, we know. I mean, we fired her, right? And we’d be pissed if she was trying to get us to come back. We set up these impossible situations where it hurts no matter what the outcome is.

We wanted her to care enough to fight for us. Or at least make a perfunctory effort. And she didn’t. We feel like we don’t matter to anyone. No one would really notice or care if we just disappeared. We could call and tell the DMH team we decided we don’t want to be in their program. Then we could just never leave the apartment again and nobody would give half a damn.

We thought we’d finally found a therapist we could work with and like. She wasn’t scared of the dissociative stuff, and she was kind. Even toward the end when things hadn’t been going well for a while, she was always kind to us. We never should’ve let ourselves get attached. We’re always so desperate for attachment figures because we never had safe ones as a kid. We’re overly rigid about boundaries because we don’t want to get too attached or become too much for the therapist, but even with all our boundaries, we apparently got too attached. Otherwise this wouldn’t hurt us so much.

She did say she was sorry, that we were right and she did make a lot of wrong assumptions. She said she was sorry our relationship was ending like this, but she didn’t even ask if we could talk about it. Just said she could give us names for other therapists if we wanted. That’s all.

How are we supposed to be able to fight for ourselves if no one else cares enough to fight for us? We know that’s supposed to come from inside, but for us it just doesn’t. We never learned that because we barely survived childhood.

We should write back and just say, “Yes, those names would be helpful, thanks.” But we want to say, “Don’t you give a fuck? Don’t you care about us at all? You didn’t even ask if we were okay, which we’re not.” But that would make us feel manipulative and too needy. We’re not supposed to need anything from anyone. But we feel hurt and devastated and unlovable and completely, utterly alone. It feels unbearable, and we’re fighting self-harm urges. Anything to make the pain stop. But we deserve it for being stupid enough to get attached and for thinking anyone would give a fuck about us. This is how it should be. We should be alone.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Devastated

  1. Ah … all that pain. You’re not truly alone while someone is reading what you write, I guess.
    Take care.

  2. You wanted A to disregard your wishes? Really? I guess you could email saying that you have reconsidered and want to go back and work with her. I am not in your shoes, only you get to decide. Having read your post and some past posts I am inclined towards the “Yes, those names would be helpful, thanks.” But if you are not feeling like the effort involved in having to start over than admit it to A. I certainly believe you need and deserve to have a therapist you respect and can work with. Good luck deciding how to move forward. Ultimately you are responsible and in charge.

    • I know it’s fucked up. I guess I’m just so used to having my boundaries violated that it’s the only way I feel like anyone cares. Or I’m a manipulative asshole who just quit therapy for attention. I honestly don’t know anymore.

      • We all have periods of stupidity. Let go of that but give some consideration to what choice is right for you moving forward. It is up to you and you are a very smart young woman.

  3. kat

    its is exactly when you have no one to stick up for you that you need to stand up for yourself. that is the fact of life–ultimately, we are responsible for everything about us. and you are so so worth standing up for yourself and you have all of us invisible people here at your blog who support you too. we would give more than 1/2 a damn if you left.

  4. I believe you deserve caring people in your life.

    I think you’d be inhuman if you didn’t mourn such an important relationship. And if you don’t allow yourself to care, the therapy can’t help you – you have to attach. You did what you are supposed to do to heal.

    It must be extremely difficult to sever a therapy relationship just like that. I have been tempted to do that also in the past, but didn’t. At least not lately. Usually it’s best to go and have a final session to say goodbye and for closure. Would you feel like doing that?

    Maybe A is respecting your decision by not asking you to come back? It does sound like there were many good things going on, besides the negatives. It sounds as if she really cares. That won’t have changed, even if you don’t go back to her for more therapy.

    Thinking of you.

    • I’m sure A is trying to respect my decision and my boundaries. And it’s almost certainly the most professional response, the right response. I hate myself for being so upset by it. I mean, how fucked up do you have to be to want someone to violate your boundaries?

      I just suck at attachments and relationships. I set up impossible situations where no one can win and every outcome hurts. Part of me thinks it would be better for everyone if I just stopped trying to have relationships that are more than superficial. I’d be alone, and that hurts…but it’s pain I’m used to and know how to deal with. The pain of fucking up relationships and breaking attachments seems new every time, and it feels like it will kill me. I’ve spent today wandering around downtown focusing all my energy on not crying in public. That’s literally all I can manage right now. We don’t want to take the chance of ever feeling like this again.

      But we don’t want to be alone, either.

      We’re just impossible.

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