We just feel really devastated right now. We finally read the email A wrote back to us yesterday, and she didn’t even try to get us to come back. Like she didn’t care about us at all.
It’s stupid to be upset about that, we know. I mean, we fired her, right? And we’d be pissed if she was trying to get us to come back. We set up these impossible situations where it hurts no matter what the outcome is.
We wanted her to care enough to fight for us. Or at least make a perfunctory effort. And she didn’t. We feel like we don’t matter to anyone. No one would really notice or care if we just disappeared. We could call and tell the DMH team we decided we don’t want to be in their program. Then we could just never leave the apartment again and nobody would give half a damn.
We thought we’d finally found a therapist we could work with and like. She wasn’t scared of the dissociative stuff, and she was kind. Even toward the end when things hadn’t been going well for a while, she was always kind to us. We never should’ve let ourselves get attached. We’re always so desperate for attachment figures because we never had safe ones as a kid. We’re overly rigid about boundaries because we don’t want to get too attached or become too much for the therapist, but even with all our boundaries, we apparently got too attached. Otherwise this wouldn’t hurt us so much.
She did say she was sorry, that we were right and she did make a lot of wrong assumptions. She said she was sorry our relationship was ending like this, but she didn’t even ask if we could talk about it. Just said she could give us names for other therapists if we wanted. That’s all.
How are we supposed to be able to fight for ourselves if no one else cares enough to fight for us? We know that’s supposed to come from inside, but for us it just doesn’t. We never learned that because we barely survived childhood.
We should write back and just say, “Yes, those names would be helpful, thanks.” But we want to say, “Don’t you give a fuck? Don’t you care about us at all? You didn’t even ask if we were okay, which we’re not.” But that would make us feel manipulative and too needy. We’re not supposed to need anything from anyone. But we feel hurt and devastated and unlovable and completely, utterly alone. It feels unbearable, and we’re fighting self-harm urges. Anything to make the pain stop. But we deserve it for being stupid enough to get attached and for thinking anyone would give a fuck about us. This is how it should be. We should be alone.