For which I was never forgiven.

Timor Mortis

Why are you afraid?

A man in a top hat passed under the bedroom window.
I couldn’t have been
more than four at the time.

It was a dream: I saw him
from high up, where I should’ve been
safe from him.

Do you remember your childhood?

When the dream ended
terror remained. I lay in my bed–
my crib maybe.

I dreamed I was kidnapped. That means
I knew what love was,
how it places the soul in jeopardy.
I knew. I substituted my body.

But you were hostage?

I was afraid of love, of being taken away.
Everyone afraid of love is afraid of death.

I pretended indifference
even in the presence of love, in the presence of hunger.
And the more deeply I felt
the less able I was to respond.

Do you remember your childhood?

I understood that the magnitude of these gifts
was balanced by the scope of my rejection.

Do you remember your childhood?

I lay in the forest.
Still, more still than any living creature.
Watching the sun rise.

And I remember once my mother turning away from me
in great anger. Or perhaps it was grief.
Because for all she had given me,
for all her love, I had failed to show gratitude.
And I made no sign of understanding.

For which I was never forgiven.

–Louise Gluck, from Vita Nova

If I’m being honest, this, even more than the depression and the financial hopelessness, is why I have to die.  Because the magnitude of the gifts, the help people try to offer me, is balanced by the scope of my rejection.  Nothing gets through to me, no matter how good people’s intentions are or how hard they try.

I kill everything anyone tries to grow for me.  All that’s left are dead leaves and dry soil.

For which I never deserve to be forgiven.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “For which I was never forgiven.

  1. I am having a totally Facebook moment here: yknow, that thing where you want a button more complicated than a ‘Like’? A button that says “I am profoundly uncomfortable with implying that I ‘like’ anything about what you saying — but MAN, do I recognize the feeling you describe.” Can you just join me in the fantasy that the second kind of button exists, and that I clicked it here?

  2. Not deserving it is exactly why we need forgiveness. It’s okay that you reject things. We all do! Love is never wasted, I believe. You are no worse than the rest of us who hurt and hate ourselves and are burned by life. You belong here and would be missed. xx

  3. happilydpressed

    No matter how much help people offer you, you cannot be grateful when the outcome is still the same. It all seems useless.

  4. Just Another Pixie

    You’ve been in a difficult situation. Not just one. Animals treated badly snap out at people too…
    You don’t need to ‘deserve’ forgiveness, it just is.

  5. Kyra, you sound so sad. You are not a burden to any of us your friends in blogland and online. I can say this with certainty, when I see all the kind comments people leave for you. Try to hang on and stay with us…because, you’d be so missed by all of us here at wordpress. XX

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