I think part of the reason I’m feeling so crappy–a BIG part of the reason–is my relationship with B. Or my apparent lack of a relationship.
He won’t pick up the phone. Won’t call me back. Won’t answer my texts. I don’t know why. Nothing happened, as far as I know–we didn’t fight or anything. He’s just not talking to me.
We’re supposed to go to my sister’s wedding together. We planned to do a big road trip. B loves road trips, so I thought it would be fun. Two summers ago, he and a buddy from college rented an RV and did a cross-country road trip. He wanted me to come, but I just wasn’t in a place where I could. So I thought a smaller road trip would be a good way to make up for it.
We need to, you know, plan this trip, seeing as how the wedding’s in less than a month. I’ve been trying for three weeks to get him to plan this with me, but he won’t respond. I don’t know what to do; I don’t think I can afford a plane ticket now. I don’t want to seem pushy or bitchy or whatever, but I need to know if he’s coming or not. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I guess I’ll email him and say, “Look, I don’t know what the deal is, but are we doing this trip or not? If you want me to leave you alone, just tell me, but it’s not fair to leave me hanging.” It sounds passive-aggressive, but I don’t know what else to do.
Since he moved to New York at the beginning of the year, he’s been more distant. I thought it was just that we were adjusting to the long-distance relationship thing. He never reached out–but to be fair, neither did I. (I never do with anyone because I always feel like they don’t really want to be bothered by having to deal with me.) I did call him when I found out my grandmother had died, and he couldn’t even be there for me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it was late and he was about to have finals, but he never called back to see if I was okay or anything. He did call on my birthday, but I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t call him back.
It really hurts, but I feel like I have no right to be hurt. See, a few years ago, I broke up with him. I felt like he deserved someone better, someone without all my issues, someone who could give him sex and kids and everything he wanted. I didn’t talk to him for months. I honestly thought it was better for him, that it would hurt him less that way. I was really messed up then, and I was wrong. I hurt him so badly, and I’ve never gotten over the guilt. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve to complain about how he’s treating me because I did it to him first.
But another part of me says that doesn’t make it okay for him to hurt me back. I would never intentionally hurt him. I learned from my massive mistake, and it’s not one I’ll repeat. I still deserve to have feelings, and I deserve a partner who cares about my feelings.
I don’t know. I feel like I should just walk away, but part of me can’t. I don’t get attached to people, not usually. I’ve walked away from so many people in my life, whether intentionally or because I stopped tending to the relationship, and I’ve never missed anyone before. That probably makes me sound like a cold sociopath or something, but it’s true. I’ve never really missed anyone before, not like this. They might pop up in my thoughts every so often, and I might wish I could see them or talk to them, but it never hurt before. This hurts. And I’m angry at myself for letting it go this far. I hate myself for being so weak and stupid, for letting myself love him. I’m just not meant for that.
God, I don’t know. Maybe if I hadn’t been so detached for my entire life, I’d be used to this by now. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a robot…
The more I think about it, the more messy things get in my head. I know a lot of this is coming from other parts, but I can’t sort it all out. I don’t want to sort it out. I want to go back in time and never let myself have feelings for him. I want to call him and beg him to not stop loving me. I want to erase him from my head entirely so I don’t keep feeling like this. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I can’t deal with anything right now.