Mixed Bag

Therapy today was frustrating. First I was (accidentally) locked out of the office and left standing out in the cold, which feels like a metaphor for something.

Then I just didn’t want to talk. About anything…but I made the mistake of telling A that I feel totally stuck and alone, and she zeroed in on the alone part. She kept naming people and asking if I felt connected to them and asking when I last felt connected and so on. And I just wanted to scream, “SHUT UP STOP TALKING CANT YOU TELL I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS YOU ARE JUST MAKING ME FEEL WORSE.” But of course I didn’t. I just shrugged a lot and said, “I don’t know!” With mounting frustration. It wasn’t quite true–if I’d looked I would’ve known, but I just can’t stand to look at myself right now.

The whole rest of the day, I’ve wanted to binge and purge. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last few days, actually, out of nowhere, and the urges just intensified after therapy. Everything just feels so wrong and sick and I’m way too full of all of it. I need to empty it all out because everything inside me is wrong.

It probably also doesn’t help that it’s a bad pain day and a bad poop day. I’ve been crapping orange for days, and I don’t know why. Is it bad that I hope something is wrong and I’ll just die? Lots of things are definitely wrong, they’re just not wrong enough to kill me yet.

But on the good new front, my old apartment complex finally returned my security deposit, so I have an extra $975. So tomorrow if I feel up to it, I’m going to the bank and then dress shopping. B and I are also planning a road trip to Alabama for my sister’s wedding–B is big on road trips. Last summer he wanted me to go on a cross-country road trip with a couple of his college buddies, but I wasn’t up for that. This’ll be more manageable, and it should be fun.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Mixed Bag

  1. happilydpressed

    Good luck with everything. Glad you’re back. I know it’s hard but I hope you make it through all this and come out shining xx

  2. Reading this, I was wishing you had told A how you felt, instead of screaming in your head. The lack of connection does seem to include her. Hope today is a bit better for you.

    • I wish I had too, but I’ve learned that, unless the therapist pushed me, I never say anything about what’s going on in the room. Growing up, I conditioned myself to never react to what was happening in the moment because it was too dangerous, and one I can’t turn it off.

  3. *hugs* That sounds really annoying, your therapy session. I can never decide if I like being pushed like that or hate it…I guess it’s what we pay them for but still….there has to be a better approach.

    The wedding sounds pretty fun. I’m really glad you have some cash on hand to buy a new dress. That will make you feel good for a little while. Suck up every little bit of happiness you can, my friend. xoxo

  4. Cash and dress shopping sound good. I respond well to retail therapy. Do you think a change of therapist would help you? Is it an option?

    • Unfortunately, changing therapists isn’t really an option at this point. It took me almost a year and three really bad therapists before I found this one. Most of the time I like her pretty well, although I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere in therapy. But lately I just want to throw things at her. I feel like she’s missing me, not understanding where I am or what I’m trying to communicate. And she does. not. get. DID at all. She keeps referring to parts as archetypes and subpersonalities, like “the wounded child” and “the rational one.” That really makes me (us) want to throw things at her. I just don’t even want to try with her anymore. I’d quit therapy, but then everyone would freak the hell out on me and probably try to hospitalize me. I’m stuck.

      • Yep, you are stuck in a corner. Grrrr psychobabble is to be expected from a therapist but it certainly would annoy me too. I’m the type to tell a person that. Do you, can you? “Your labels are not helpful, you make me feel misunderstood.”

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