Leave Me Alone

My case manager keeps calling me.  I’ve been avoiding her for the last few weeks because I just can’t fake it anymore, and I’m afraid if she sees how bad things are, I’ll get hospitalized.  That whole agency is really enthusiastic about hospitalizing people, and I feel like I can’t trust any of them.

I mean, they haven’t exactly done anything that would inspire trust.  This case manager’s not quite as bad as the last one, but she’s still pretty much useless.  The sum total of what she’s done for me in the months I’ve been seeing her is that she brought me one housing application and took me grocery shopping once.  Pretty fucking impressive case management, huh?  I still have no therapist.  I’m still constantly broke, behind on all my bills, with no hope of ever catching up.  I’m still effectively housebound.  But hey, she took me grocery shopping once, so clearly they’re rendering highly effective mental health services.

I want to pick up the phone the next time she calls and scream, “Stop fucking calling me!  You’re not going to help me, so just leave me the fuck alone!”  I want to lash out.  I want to make her hurt because I hurt worse, and instead of helping like she’s supposed to, she just leaves me to suffer alone.  I mean, she’s never once asked about my symptoms or how I’m coping.  Nothing beyond the rote, “Hey, how’s it going?” when I first see her.

Eventually I’m going to have to answer the phone or she’ll send the cops after me.  That would trigger the hell out of me, and I’d probably end up in the hospital.  Of course, if I try to terminate, she could use that as “proof” that I’m refusing necessary treatment (hah, what fucking treatment?) and get the cops to drag me off to the hospital.  It feels like I’m screwed no matter what I do.  I just can’t keep seeing her and acting like everything’s okay, knowing that if I said things weren’t okay, the only additional services I’d get would be hospitalization.  I can’t see her because I just want to scream at her.

I don’t know why I’m so angry at her.  I don’t like the person it turns me into: it makes me want to hurt her, to make her cry.  I don’t like the part of me that makes me want to take out my pain on other people.  There’s no reason for me to be this angry at her.  I mean, I don’t even want to hurt my father like this anymore, and the things he did to me were far worse.  I want to destroy this nice but useless woman, and I don’t even understand why I hate her this much.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Leave Me Alone

  1. Maybe because you are afraid? Afraid to admit u need help? Anger is easier to deal with then fear. It doesn’t hurt as much.

    • No, I don’t think it’s fear. I’m not afraid to admit I need help. I think it’s more helplessness, knowing that asking for help wouldn’t result in my actually receiving help.

  2. Damn. Once again, you are articulating so many things I have felt, and still sometimes feel. Yes, yes, yes, I hear you loud and clear. I hate when my pain makes me bitchy, too. Oh my God, do I hate that. Thank you for putting into words these thoughts and feelings and realities that so many of us share, but don’t know how to put into words.

  3. Extrapolating from how I have felt – she gets an extra helping of anger because she reminds you of another female, from your childhood, who should and was required to help you when you desperately needed her, but didn’t. Those childhood feelings of betrayal and resulting anger and rage may come rushing up when the situation is echoed in the present. My two cents.

    • Yes, that’s probably very accurate.

      I think the feeling of helplessness is a huge trigger for me. It’s even worse when I know help is out there, but it’s placed just outside my reach. I turn into that child again, throwing a tantrum because no one will notice that she needs anything otherwise.

  4. sounds like a frustrating, never-ending circle 😦

  5. Just Another Pixie

    Sorry to hear it’s been difficult…
    hmm, could you ask her to take you to the food bank/s?
    Maybe then it would shine in through to them what the situation is??

  6. Kyra, its probably a part of you, another part? That hates her? Is raging at her? You should write a long letter venting all of the anger. Say everything in it that you want to say to her but cant say aloud. I’m sorry she’s so useless. It does seem like your not getting good treatment whatsoever!

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