I feel like crying. I don’t know why.
I’m just so exhausted all the time lately. Some of it’s the meds (fucking 6-MP, man), and some of it’s probably depression. But knowing what it is doesn’t make it any easier to manage.
I slept ten hours last night, was up for about 3, slept another 4 hours, and have been up for 5. Still exhausted. I flaked out on the phone bank I was supposed to go to because just thinking about getting out of bed and getting dressed and brushing my hair made me want to cry. There’s another phone bank tomorrow that I’ll try to make it to, and then Thursday I’ve been invited to go on the road with my regional field director and the other regional lead to do one on one meetings with volunteers and then go by HQ. I’m leaning toward opting out of tomorrow’s phone bank so I’ll (hopefully) have the energy to do Thursday all day–because I also said I’d cut turfs for a month’s worth of canvasses for five towns in our region by Wednesday night. If all else fails, I have Adderall and caffeine pills to get me through Thursday. (No lectures, please.) Then I have Friday off. Saturday, the political director for the AG campaign I’m working personally called and asked me to march with the candidate in the pride parade on Saturday, which I said yes to. Then Sunday I’m canvassing for the gubernatorial candidate.
Don’t get me wrong; I love this stuff. Okay, phone banking and turf-cutting are boring but necessary. What I like is feeling needed. I like having a title (“regional lead” sounds important, right?) and getting calls from important people. I like having politicians know my name. I like being trusted with responsibilities.
That probably makes me a little egomaniacal, but…well, that’s me, I guess. I’m mostly okay with that because it has been SO FUCKING LONG since I felt like I was good at something, like I wasn’t disposable and replaceable. I mean, these campaigns wouldn’t suddenly crumble if I got kidnapped by aliens or something, but they’d struggle. They’d be a little frantic trying to fill in the gaps I left. So maybe it makes me a little bit of an asshole, but I like feeling like I’d leave a hole. It makes me feel like I can justify my existence. And every campaign I’ve worked on, my candidate has won.
But the fatigue makes me feel crappy. I’m not even sure if it’s real, you know? I keep questioning whether I’m just using it as an excuse to get out of the drudge work of phone banking. That’s probably my family talking–“You’re just being manipulative, you’re just faking it, it’s all in your head, you’re just making excuses for being lazy.” I know that…but their voices make so much sense to me a lot of the time. Their reality was the only reality I had for the 22 years before I could get away from them, and it’s only been 5 years since then. Their reality still has a powerful hold on me, as much as I don’t want it to.
I need a therapist. There, I’ve admitted it. I need someone to help me sort through all this shit because I can’t deal with the competing realities alone. I told C that I was willing to sit down with her and A and see if that relationship could be salvaged. Honestly, I’m not terribly hopeful about that, but I’ll at least try. C was going to email her last week to set up a time. I see C tomorrow afternoon, so I guess I’ll find out more then. If I can’t make it work with A, maybe she can at least refer me to someone else so I don’t have to start all over from scratch. I’m still not entirely sure I’m willing to trust anyone, but I think I have to try. Because I know I can only carry on the way I am now for a limited time. I’m treading water in a flash flood.
Unrelated side note: Alabama, where my sisters live, is getting hit by severe tornadoes. I haven’t been able to reach either of my sisters tonight, and I know that friends have had their homes destroyed. If you pray or think good thoughts or whatever, could you guys include my sisters? I love them more than anything else in the world. And assuming my middle sister is safe, she and her fiance (both cops) will spend the next few weeks digging bodies out of the rubble. So they could use prayers and good thoughts for that, too.