I’m so frustrated with A. I feel like I need therapy to get over my therapy.
For the last two or three months, it seems like every time I see her, by halfway through the session I don’t want to engage at all except to scream at her to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. She always asks the wrong questions, though I have no idea what the right questions would be.
I know it’s protective parts coming forward. They/we feel like since she doesn’t really want to know us as people, there’s no use talking to her. She wants to talk about us, not to us. Even when it’s obvious we’re there and she obviously knows we’re there, she just talks to Hope. “These protective parts of you, are they angry at me?” Stuff like that. It’s patronizing and dehumanizing. It’s no different than being in a room with five people and just asking one of them all about the other four.
And then every time it happens, she wants to ask us all these “present-oriented questions” to get Hope back. We’re not spacing out or anything–we’re just not her. We don’t need to be fixed. We don’t appreciate being treated like we’re something that needs to be gotten rid of or pushed back. Don’t we have every bit as much right to exist and be out as she does?
Some of us want to say all that to her, but we never do. It doesn’t seem safe. We’ve had trouble trusting A since we were in respite and the people there threatened to hospitalize us. We called A, but she took their side even though she knew how bad hospitals are for us. I mean, she didn’t tell them to lock us up, but she didn’t fight for us, either. If C hadn’t come and talked them out of it, they would’ve locked me up, and A would’ve let them. After that, not much trust. We don’t know how she’d react if we suddenly announced ourselves as being someone other than Hope and insisted on being treated as real people. It’s too big a risk.
Then again, it’s also a risk not to say anything and continue with the status quo. We’re getting nowhere, and we usually leave therapy feeling worse than when we went in. Some of us want to quit therapy and write it off forever, but others of us know we need support. It’s turned into this big deadlocked internal mess, and it feels like there’s no way out of it. We don’t know what to do anymore.
–a bunch of us