Public Transit Rant

This morning I had an appointment with my GP.  It was really necessary, since I’ve been sick for almost five weeks.  My landlady was able to give me a ride into downtown this morning, and from there I could take the bus to my doctor’s office, which is in the next town over.

It shouldn’t need to be this complicated.  See, my street is right on a bus line.  That bus goes straight into downtown, which is where I catch the bus to my doctor’s office.  Easy enough, right?

LOL NOPE

Because a few months ago, the regional transit authority decided to revise the routes.  For the route that goes by my house, they didn’t actually change any of the streets or anything–but apparently they instituted a new policy to eliminate all stops between downtown Northampton and Holyoke (two towns over, 9.5 miles away).  I live two miles from downtown Northampton, and even though the bus route goes right past my street, more than half the drivers will no longer stop there.  I don’t know what the deal with this new policy is.  I mean, you’re saving what, two minutes tops by refusing to stop?

So that leaves me with only the option of walking home from downtown.  Two miles doesn’t sound so bad, but it’s along a busy highway with no sidewalk or shoulder.  There have been several fatal car v. bicycle collisions there, and pedestrians are even less visible to drivers than bicyclists.  Add to that the fact that I am physically disabled.  My body literally cannot handle a two-mile walk most days.  I run a very real risk of having my muscles give out and collapsing on the side of the road.

I could probably qualify for paratransit, but that costs three times the normal bus fare.  They also require you to book the trip 48 hours in advance, which wouldn’t have worked since this was a last-minute appointment.

So today, I tried taking the bus home, hoping I’d get a sympathetic driver.  In that regard, the cane is sometimes useful.  I think they ought to stop for anyone who needs that stop, but I’m not going to complain if I get a cripple sympathy stop, either.  But the driver today was a huge jerk and refused to stop anywhere vaguely near my street.  So I had to go all the way to Holyoke.  Instead of staying on that bus for the return trip, I waited an hour, hoping I’d get a different driver.  No such luck.  Same guy, still wouldn’t stop.  So then I wound up back in downtown Northampton again.  In utter desperation–I was literally about to burst into tears in the middle of town–I texted my landlady.  Luckily, she was able to take off from work for a few minutes and run me home, for which I was immensely grateful.  It just shouldn’t be necessary.  When I moved to this apartment, I specifically sought out somewhere that was accessible by public transit–and it was, when I moved in.  But now I literally can’t go anywhere on my own, so I don’t leave the house.  I looked into moving somewhere closer to town so I’d have better access to public transit, but everything was miles out of my price range.  So I’m trapped here.

Meanwhile, all the politicians in Boston, when asked about improving public transit, talk about a multi-million dollar project to expand the Orange Line.  Western Mass never gets mentioned.  I want to shake them and say, “Look, asshole, let me tell you a thing.  I’ve used public transit in Boston, and it’s fucking great already.  Meanwhile, I can’t even get to a fucking doctor’s appointment out here.  I can’t go grocery shopping.  I can’t get to the pharmacy.  But yeah, let’s definitely sink all the transit funding into improving a system that already works instead of fixing a system that doesn’t.  ‘Cause nothing west of Boston actually exists.  We’re just motherfucking unicorns out here.”

overwhelmed by exhaustion

I don’t know how to cope with this exhaustion anymore.

I slept 11 hours last night, and right now I can barely sit up.  My body won’t sleep anymore, but it’s not functioning, either.  I’m supposed to be doing a predictive dialer phone bank tonight, but I think I’m going to have to cancel.  I mean, my hands are so weak I’m having trouble typing.  I’m having to wear my wrist brace again because the latest joint pain is my left wrist.  The brace drives me crazy, but it’s the only thing that keeps my wrist from hurting every time I move my arms.

Something is wrong with me, and no one is taking it seriously.  My gastroenterologist, who’s otherwise awesome, just blows it off as a symptom of the UC.  I know some fatigue is normal, but not like this.  I mean, I’m not flaring, so there’s no UC-related reason I should be this fatigued and weak.

I should probably go back to my primary care doc, but how would I even get there?  It’s now a two-mile walk on a road with no shoulder to get to the bus stop, then two buses.  I can’t physically handle that.

I’m going to look into the paratransit buses that pick you up and drop you off at your door, but without a diagnosis, I’m not even sure I’ll qualify.  I don’t have a doctor to write a letter saying I’m too sick to use regular public transit because I can’t even get to a doctor in the first place.  Plus, the paratransit service is 2-3 times as expensive as the regular buses, and you have to go to an in-person interview at a place half an hour away.  How the fuck do you think I’m going to get there if I don’t get paratransit?

I just can’t deal with this right now.  Everything just feels so overwhelming, and I want to just go back to bed.  But I have to find a new roommate.

Exhaustion Takes Over

I honestly don’t known if I can keep doing therapy much longer.  Not because of therapy itself–the problem is that getting there is kicking my ass.  When I still had my team, they’d give me rides, so it was no big deal.

Yesterday was my first time getting there on my own.  It’s two towns over and takes about 30 minutes by car.  On public transit, though, it took me three hours.  Then there was the mile I had to walk straight uphill on a very icy road.  I fell twice and banged the hell out of my knee and hip.  It was even more treacherous going downhill afterward.  By the time I finally got home, I was completely exhausted and in a lot of pain.  I took a hot bath to help with the pain, but then I fell asleep in the bath.

I can’t do this twice a week.  There’s just no way.

You’d think it would be fairly simple thing to just find a new therapist who’s closer/more convenient to get to, but it’s really not.  It took me 6 months and three bad therapists before I found A.  I went through literally every therapist in the county who deals with trauma.  There isn’t anyone else who takes my insurance, so it’s A or nobody.

Also, a part of me (or, more likely, many parts) just don’t even want to bother with therapy anymore.  It feels like too much effort and too little payoff.  They/we would rather just sort of fade away from everything, leave the apartment as little as possible, basically just disappear.  It feels like everything is such a monumental effort, and there’s very little payoff to make it worth bothering.  But that’s probably just depression talking.

I just wish things were not so hard.

A tried to convince me to get out of the house every day.  I told her I would mostly to get her off my back about it, but it’s not going to happen. Today I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I stayed in bed until almost 2:00, and by that point it was kind of too late to go anywhere.  I very much doubt that I’m going to go anywhere tomorrow, either.  I feel like A just doesn’t get it–when you don’t live with chronic fatigue and pain, you don’t understand how hard it is to function.  I’m not just being lazy or giving in to my depression.  Unlike her, I can’t just hop in my car and go wherever I want, so it costs me a lot more spoons to do everything because I either have to walk or take public transit, both of which are exhausting and pain-inducing.  And it drains me for days, sometimes, so I can’t always do something the next day.  I don’t think that’s something you can truly understand if you haven’t experienced it.  But now I feel guilty because I agreed to get out, and it’s just not gonna happen.  I feel like a liar, and I feel like I’m just lazy and worthless.

I just wish everything weren’t so hard.