Exhaustion Takes Over

I honestly don’t known if I can keep doing therapy much longer.  Not because of therapy itself–the problem is that getting there is kicking my ass.  When I still had my team, they’d give me rides, so it was no big deal.

Yesterday was my first time getting there on my own.  It’s two towns over and takes about 30 minutes by car.  On public transit, though, it took me three hours.  Then there was the mile I had to walk straight uphill on a very icy road.  I fell twice and banged the hell out of my knee and hip.  It was even more treacherous going downhill afterward.  By the time I finally got home, I was completely exhausted and in a lot of pain.  I took a hot bath to help with the pain, but then I fell asleep in the bath.

I can’t do this twice a week.  There’s just no way.

You’d think it would be fairly simple thing to just find a new therapist who’s closer/more convenient to get to, but it’s really not.  It took me 6 months and three bad therapists before I found A.  I went through literally every therapist in the county who deals with trauma.  There isn’t anyone else who takes my insurance, so it’s A or nobody.

Also, a part of me (or, more likely, many parts) just don’t even want to bother with therapy anymore.  It feels like too much effort and too little payoff.  They/we would rather just sort of fade away from everything, leave the apartment as little as possible, basically just disappear.  It feels like everything is such a monumental effort, and there’s very little payoff to make it worth bothering.  But that’s probably just depression talking.

I just wish things were not so hard.

A tried to convince me to get out of the house every day.  I told her I would mostly to get her off my back about it, but it’s not going to happen. Today I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I stayed in bed until almost 2:00, and by that point it was kind of too late to go anywhere.  I very much doubt that I’m going to go anywhere tomorrow, either.  I feel like A just doesn’t get it–when you don’t live with chronic fatigue and pain, you don’t understand how hard it is to function.  I’m not just being lazy or giving in to my depression.  Unlike her, I can’t just hop in my car and go wherever I want, so it costs me a lot more spoons to do everything because I either have to walk or take public transit, both of which are exhausting and pain-inducing.  And it drains me for days, sometimes, so I can’t always do something the next day.  I don’t think that’s something you can truly understand if you haven’t experienced it.  But now I feel guilty because I agreed to get out, and it’s just not gonna happen.  I feel like a liar, and I feel like I’m just lazy and worthless.

I just wish everything weren’t so hard.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Exhaustion Takes Over

  1. kat

    i know exactly what you are talking about. it is just way to overwhelming in so many ways to even consider going somewhere. until recently, i was also dependent on walking or public transportation, and know that when that is how you need to get around, it makes it 100% more difficult than it already was to just leave the house. even now that i do have a car, which does make it easier to get out sometimes, i still struggle with being able to overcome all that goes into getting ready, leaving, navigating to where i need to go, doing/going to the goal, and then all the same stuff in getting back home. when i get back home, i feel like a sailor gone years at sea finally on land, kissing it and being so happy to set foot back home and never wanting to leave again.

    also, i depends on where i have to go, and how many things i have to do to accomplish it. its easier to go get gas or smokes than it is to go shopping for food. its easier if my kids are around to go with me. there are many fun and social groups at my mental health clinic that i would like to attend, but for 3 months i just have not been able to get myself ready in time so im still trying to make it to one.

    there is just so much anxiety involved in each aspect of making a trip outside, that it is often just too hard. keep trying tho, and keep pushing yourself, and i will too! hopefully things will get easier the more we get ourselves out!

    • For me, when the block is mental, it’s not even anxiety. It’s just this depressive sense of, “What’s the point?” It’s so much easier to sit on my couch and watch DVD’s–the payoff of going out seems much less than the trouble of getting out. I just can’t make myself care enough.

      So A is probably going to be mad or frustrated with me. I won’t lie and say I went out, even though I told her I’d do it. I don’t know why I agreed to it in the first place–I knew I probably wouldn’t have the motivation.

  2. I don’t really know what to say, especially since I don’t have a chronic illness, but I do want to say that I absolutely don’t think that you are lazy!
    Take care

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