I did a stupid thing

Saturday night, I overdosed.  And here it is Tuesday morning, and I’m still barely able to function.  I can’t spell basic words without a lot of thought, and I nearly pass out when I get up to go to the bathroom.

I’m not sure if I wanted to kill myself or not.  I was at least half-dissociated, so I don’t even know how many pills I took.  (Or, for that matter, which one[s] of us took them.)

I think I wanted either to die or to make someone notice that something is very very wrong.  But I ended up not accomplishing either of those things.  So I feel like a failure in every possible way.

I feel like I NEED someone to take care of me.  To hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay, to listen when I’m freaking out, to take care of all the everyday things like bills and food that overwhelm me.  I want to go back to a residential program like Sheppard Pratt, but I can’t afford it.  I have maybe three weeks left of my lifetime inpatient days still left.  I can’t use those up now–what if I need them more later?  Besides, Sheppard Pratt always has a waiting list, and I need help now.

Everything about real life is just too overwhelming.  Most of it, at this point, comes down to money, and I feel greedy for saying that.  Money can’t buy happiness, but the lack of it sure can fuck you up.  If I had a car, my life would be so much easier.  I could get to appointments, to the grocery store.  Hell, I might even be able to have a little bit of a social life.  But even if someone gave me a car for free, I wouldn’t be able to pay for insurance, gas, maintenance.

And if I had more money, I could get more psychological support.  I wouldn’t be stuck with these useless people from DMH.  I would even be able to travel if I found one who’s good but not on public transit lines.

And I just wouldn’t have to worry all the time about everything.  Right now, all it would take for my whole life to blow up in my face is for one little thing to go wrong.  Just one thing, and I’ll be sleeping under a bridge in winter.  One little thing, and I won’t be able to pay for the meds that keep me alive.  This is the reality of my life.  More money wouldn’t cure the underlying emotional injuries, but it would make them a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

But that money, that help, that support–none of it is going to come.  How do I keep dealing with the utter hopelessness of that?  My compulsion is to berate myself, to tell myself, “You don’t need any of that.  You’re just a pathetic attention-whore who wants everybody to pay attention to her all the time.  You don’t deserve to have needs.”  And with that comes the impulse to starve myself again.  It would be so much easier, and it dulls all the feelings.  And it seems easier than staring at the black hole in the center of myself and knowing that no one will fill it.  I mean, when my own government tells me I don’t deserve enough money to be able to meet my basic needs, who am I to argue?

And on top of the money issues, there’s the chronic illness.  It’s never going to get better.  It will continue to control my life for as long as I’m alive.  I’ll have to keep taking toxic medications that make me almost as sick as the UC does, albeit in different ways.  I’ll always be in pain.  I’ll always be so weak I have to use a cane to walk and still can hardly manage even with it.  I’ll always have to control my diet so strictly I’ve given up on eating out.  I’ll never not be sick.  In fact, I’ll probably just get sicker.  There is no relief, no remission.

And this is where I’m stuck, all day, every day.  I’ve done all the things they’ve told me will make me better, and none of it is working anymore.  So I have to choose between living like this for another 60 years or killing myself.  I want to feel like there’s some reason to live, but right now the pain is so bad nothing matters except how to make it stop.

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16 Comments

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16 responses to “I did a stupid thing

  1. I’m so sorry for all of your pain. For all of your loss.
    The chronic illness never getting better and the idea that you’ll have to go on another 60 yrs living this way…. Those are the thoughts that always got me into my spirals also. When we are young and sick, the future is just so scary.
    The illness: both chronic and depression tell us lies. Today isn’t proof of tomorrow.
    Some day, you will look back on this time in your life and be amazed at how strong you are for overcoming. I write this with tears.
    I read your words with tears. I know your pain. (trust)
    Keep writing, keep breathing.

    • I hope you’re right, but I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever get there. There’s no evidence to suggest that things will get better, and believe me, I’ve looked. (When I get crazy, empirical data helps me challenge crazy thoughts. But in this case, it appears my crazy thoughts aren’t actually so crazy.

      I know how to deal with crazy, and I know how to deal with sick. But throw them both in the mix and add serious poverty, and I can’t deal anymore. It’s too much.

  2. Everyone needs people to care for them. So sorry there is no one standing beside you giving you a hug and pointing you towards better solutions.

  3. Juliet

    Your last post read like a suicide note to me (although I know it was someone else’s poem but there are always reasons for posting whatever).
    I’m glad that you didn’t die. Though I wish someone would have noticed that you need help 😦
    If I didn’t know what happened to you in the psych ward, I’d tell you to go there…
    Is there any family member you could reach out to? Your sisters maybe? Maybe you could discuss your situation with someone and try to find a solution together…
    Take care. You’re in my thoughts x

  4. Hope, you mentioned your others? Is there a protector? Can you guys work together? Switch out? We are willing to help you look for services if you want to email your location privately, we do not know your name or need to. I know you are smart and have tried, but being weak and overwhelmed, maybe someone helping might see or help??…if this comment overstepped in anyway..please take it down..in no way meant to offend only help…
    We have been where you are. Felt these things. Are only by luck not where you are financially. So very sorry you are going through this. Know you are in our thoughts.

    • Unfortunately, we have very little communication or control over who’s in control at any given time.

      I have already exhausted all the options in my area. My former team leader is really good at that stuff, so if she couldn’t find anything else, it doesn’t exist.

      I’m just too tired to keep going on my own.

      • Ok, I didn’t think it would hurt to ask…I assumed you had it covered.
        I can often tell your different voices in your posts. That is very hard when you have no control. We are always here.
        For anyone.
        Much love ❤

  5. Jay

    Ripped up by the fact that you don’t have an important someone there to take care of you in this fragile state 😦 Everyone needs and deserves to have that loving attention and be nurtured back to some form of strength and health (a different baseline for everyone). Really sending hope and prayer your way.

  6. Reblogged this on aBodyofHope and commented:
    Below is a serious post from a woman blogger in pain and above it is my comment to her:
    I’m so sorry you are living this. I know you feel completely alone and isolated. I’m so proud of you for telling your story and sharing what no one wants to say. What we are so scared to share. This is the TRUTH about chronic illness and chronic pain and the gravity of it.
    You are giving people a voice. I’m so scared you will stop. I don’t know if you believe in faith, but I AM PRAYING FOR YOU in this moment in time. That you know how important you are. That you hear me tell you that you words and your pain do not isolate you, it INCLUDES you with women who live it and need your courage to say what you are saying.
    That we don’t want life to end, we want the pain to end. We want the fear to end. Insurance for a future life- of this one life. I could never convince you of that concrete insurance that your body will feel better.
    But I can promise you that chronic illness, pain, depression: they are liars liars LIARS!
    Tomorrow anything can change. Please, I hope you are here for it.

  7. I am so sad to hear that you endured an overdose and that you have had to deal with it alone. I wish you had someone beside you to give you the relief from your pain that you so desperately need and genuinely deserve. I can see that everything is overwhelming, dark and painful for you right now and this isn’t fair, but you are doing a remarkable job of staying strong just by remaining with us each day more. I’m sorry I don’t have the ability to help you out as you need and lift you up when you feel unable to do this for yourself but I hope that somewhere you can find some help or a service that will enable you to feel respite and perhaps hope.
    Aimee x

    • PJ

      All I can say is your post breaks my heart!!!!
      I am praying for you, its the best I can do as an elderly person with chronic illness,, I only wish I could do more! After years of pain I know where you are coming from!!! Bless you!!!!!
      Pat

  8. I am in shock. I am so sorry someone felt there was no alternative other than to overdose. I’m glad your still alive, I hope you will be ok, it really sucks that you’ve got nobody to help you through this. XX

  9. I’m glad you’re still alive, although I wish it were in different circumstances. Please come back to CSS- if anyone understands what you’re going through, (as much as it’s possible to understand the experience of another) it’s us.

    As Dragon always says, that’s how most of us feel: “I don’t want to die but I just can’t keep living this way!” Let me ask you this: You tried to kill yourself. If it’s that bad *now*, then it can’t get worse. In my experience, if I’m even thinking about the hospital and rationalizing why it’s not a good idea, then I probably need to be there. I love you, and I respect your choices for whatever you choose to do, but I would like to see you go to the hospital. I know you have no hope that it could help, and perhaps that is true, but I have hope that it will. Will you please reconsider going? You can call an ambulance to get there- it’s what they’re for, to take people to the hospital that need to be there.

    I’m not giving you permission to kill yourself- you don’t need it. You are an adult and make your own choices. Wanting permission for something is wanting to know that you can do something without negative consequences. Unfortunately, in this situation, that’s just not possible. You already have the negative physical consequences of overdosing. You WILL be missed (and not just from not paying the bills!). There WILL be people that are sad about your death, and it WON’T be for just a short amount of time before we “get over it.”

    We love you. We here in blog land cannot “save” you. Only you can do that. You are reaching out to us, and we can (and hopefully do) provide emotional support. But you have said many times before that you need tangible support, and that’s really hard to provide to an anonymous username. 😉

    I’m thinking about you, please take care of yourself. ❤

    • Thank you, a lot. Words are not working too well for me right now, but you said a lot of things I needed to hear. Thank you for being here and saying the things that aren’t necessarily the easiest.

      • red

        unfortunately, this story is one I hear, we ALL hear too often. so many of us, in chronic pain, have nobody. We have no family members who help, let alone care,friends that have scattered over the years to the way side because they dont understand,or are tired of hearing about our plights. many dont have a useful medical team, most of us struggle financially, emotionally, phisiologicaly. the reality is, we are all a month away from homelessness,(sick or not) unless we have family members who we live with/help support us. Add in chronic illness, and it is magnified. When it comes down to it in life, chronic pain or not, ALL we really have anyway,and who we can depend on, is ourself. It isnt easy to hear, but it is the truth. when we learn, that we are it, and turn inward,and realize , it comes down to me, myself and I, then we start to “see” a bit more clearly. ” you are stronger than you know” a line is stevie’s song, is truth. we ARE stronger than we know! Clearly, it is not your time, or your higher power would have allowed you to come home. It is clear to me, that you are supposed tobe here and there is something you are meant to be doing?! Look inward, take your time, and see, feel if whatever it is you are still here to do,comes to you? In the mean time, there are many in your same situation. Get hold of your local social services, and see if someone out there is also looking for someone to share the burnden of life? (rent, food,necessities?) When we start looking, in the “right places” it sometime pleasantly surprises us how many others are seeking what we are as well?!

  10. I agree with mamanightsong’s comments, and I’m so glad you are still with us. You are a valuable light in the dark; by speaking up and talking about all these things, you are lighting the way for others. Life ain’t easy, and you’ve been dealt a challenging hand. I wish there was a way to do fundraising for you. There’s a lot of people in this thread encouraging you; I hope you can draw strength from that. And you are an adult so you can make your own decisions, but I encourage you to re-consider the hospital. Please, you have to keep trying, even when it’s hard. xoxo sending you love and healing.

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