please save me

What am I supposed to fill all these hours with, except dying?  There’s so much empty time and nothing else I want to do, nothing that holds my attention.

Would it really be so bad if I killed myself?

That’s a shitty question and you should know better.  If you’re going to kill yourself, take responsibility for it yourself.  Don’t try to make other people give you permission.  That’s a shitty thing to do to people.

I don’t even really want to die.  I just want a way to survive.  But without that…what?  I stay alive out of guilt, knowing that everything’s going to come crashing down around me soon?  Is that really better than being dead?  I mean, I hardly leave my apartment, so who would even notice my absence?  It would only be noticed when someone wanted something from me, something I can’t give because I have nothing left, nothing.

I need somebody to save me, but no one can–or will–I’m not even sure which is more accurate anymore.

I could take some more pills.  Sleep some more.  Supposed to be going grocery shopping with C tomorrow but I could email and say I’m not feeling well enough.  I don’t want to hide this anymore, but I feel like I have to.  I mean, the only “help” left to me now is the hospital, and that would make things worse instead of better.

Dying is the only solution that makes any sense to me right now.



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41 responses to “please save me

  1. ‘I don’t even really want to die. I just want a way to survive.’ – I wish I could give you the answer. I really do. My heart goes out to you. Dying doesn’t solve anything; you won’t be around to feel relief, and you ensure things never ever get better. It isn’t a solution at all, it’s a cop out.

    But I appreciate that might be annoying more than anything else. I really hope you don’t kill yourself x

    • I guess “But then you’ll never feel better” argument just never made sense to me. It doesn’t annoy me; it just doesn’t add up for me.

      For starters, the evidence lately has been that things only get worse for me, not better. There’s no convincing evidence that that trend is going to change any time soon, Okay, sure, maybe things will get better…for a little while. But I always end up right back here. Clearly I’m not making any progress, so what’s the point anymore?

      So yeah, killing myself means I won’t be around if things get better, but I also won’t be around if they get worse. I won’t have to feel anything anymore. I won’t have to keep fighting to keep my head above water as the tide drags me farther and farther out. I could just rest, finally. Just stop existing. I lack the resources to make my life better, so being not alive anymore is the next best thing, I guess.

      • It’s really hard to know what to say now, because I’ve thought all the same things myself on more than one occasion. You end up thinking suicide is just the logical conclusion.

        I’m holding on in hope of change. Maybe it’s blind: meds can change, but I don’t see what’s going to alter my lack of interest in life. That said, I have wondered if that’s depression talking and not me, so for now at least, I’m trying to be open to the idea that I might not be right. I might insist I’m done with life, but perhaps there is some event out there I can’t predict that would alter everything.

        Who knows, maybe in a week I’ll crash and be mentally right next to you.

        I can’t give you hope if you don’t believe in it anymore. I would just urge you to think about the possibility that this suicidal logic might not be right. Even if you’re 100% sure it’s correct, just give it a go. There might be a ‘what if’ you can hold on to, and if you don’t find it it could lead to the biggest mistake you ever make.

      • I know. I’m impossible. I’m sorry.

      • Don’t be sorry. You’re not impossible, you’re trapped. It’s absolutely awful, and I wish I could do something to help x

      • Oh, I know what I am and what I do. I create these impossible scenarios where no one can win, and then I hate everyone for not saving me. I want somebody to see how fucked up I am, but I do everything I can to hide it. I want somebody to save me, but I know if they tried, I’d just push them away. I have no illusions about this: I know I am impossible. And that’s my fault, so please don’t feel bad.

  2. I don’t know how helpful this will be, but one of the things I have to remind myself is that getting a second opinion should always be done for this decision. This is a necessity; you can’t get one after you make the decision and follow through with it.

    Sometimes I remember that my depression is like a fog, clouding what options I do have. Unlike other people, I sometimes lose my way. I don’t know if it affects you this way or not. If it does, maybe you should go with C tomorrow. At the least maybe it’ll give you another chance to see something different. At most, something can happen that’ll help you see you have different options.

    • All C will do is put me in the hospital or put me in respite, if I tell her how bad things are. But probably I won’t, more out of habit than anything else. I do this to myself and then whine about being alone. Well, you have to trust fucking someone. And if you can’t, then…I guess you turn into me.

      A good therapist would probably do me a lot of good right now. But even if I found one right now that I could somehow magically get to even though I can’t actually get anywhere, there would still be the weeks of learning each other, learning trust. I think maybe I’m too fucked up for fixing.

  3. Not sure why you have to hide what you’re feeling from C? I think you do need to trust someone. No one can ‘save’ you, but help is possible. I’m pretty sure that logic at this time is unhelpful, as you can only see certain trains of thought.

    I’d recommend even less than stellar help. Even bits of help, bits of truth. I probably said this before, but I went to a psych for a long time. He was not very helpful, and mainly believed in meds, which never helped me much, and he was condescending, and I never trusted him enough to tell him about my past. However, he provided enough support that I got myself on my feet. He basically meant well, and even that helped, to some extent.

    I hope you keep writing how you feel. Thinking of you.

  4. I’m so sorry you are living this. I know you feel completely alone and isolated. I’m so proud of you for telling your story and sharing what no one wants to say. What we are so scared to share. This is the TRUTH about chronic illness and chronic pain and the gravity of it.
    You are giving people a voice. I’m so scared you will stop. I don’t know if you believe in faith, but I AM PRAYING FOR YOU in this moment in time. That you know how important you are. That you hear me tell you that you words and your pain do not isolate you, it INCLUDES you with women who live it and need your courage to say what you are saying.
    That we don’t want life to end, we want the pain to end. We want the fear to end. Insurance for a future life- of this one life. I could never convince you of that concrete insurance that your body will feel better.
    But I can promise you that chronic illness, pain, depression: they are liars liars LIARS!
    I’m reblogging you.
    Email me if you want to

  5. This is a number you can call any time of day or night 1-800-273-8255

  6. I honestly have been there- you sound like I felt in April this year, and I’m so desperate for things to change for you and for you to just have some relief. Please try and hold on. Not just for all of us, but try and hold on for you. Sounds bad, impossible and cheesy, but please hold on. xx

  7. I feel like this a lot. It’s not really that I want to die that it’s just too painful to live, for different reasons though. I also constantly feel like I want someone to save me and take care of me, I think that’s common for those of us who have never really felt that. If you’re ever bored and need to pass time feel free to e-mail me or text me, I’m almost always bored too which gives me too much time to worry and obsess about what is wrong with my life. I hope you stay around. Feel free to e-mail me.

  8. Jayne

    Hi, This is my first time on your blog. I’m so sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through and impressed by your strength in surviving till now. The next time I am really struggling I will think of your strength to help me through.
    It sounds like you have many people out there for you (I read about your knitting gifts and your Trinity tattoo). I hope they are enough to help you find your next steps. I will be thinking of you.

  9. Please know that going to the hospital can be life saving. There is hope. I’ve been there. I’ve been in so much pain that I wanted to die. I thought the world would be better off without me. But, the pain can end. You matter. If you are in the U.S., Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Please. I care. We care. Many of us have felt the same pain. It is hell, but there is hope.

    • I’ve done the hospital thing 20+ times, and it has literally never helped. They’re also a huge trigger for me because I was repeatedly sexually assaulted at one. I don’t call hotlines because they use the same tracing software the police do so you can’t call anonymously, and they send the cops after you. So I’m not going to call them, either. I’m not going to do things I know will make me feel worse just because that’s the “right” way to deal with it.

      • I am sorry to hear that you were abused in a hospital. That is horrible. It must be very frustrating to have depression that does not respond well to treatment. There is some hope now for Ketamine as a quick fix. Check out the NIMH’s director’s blog for more information. I have a blogging friend who was greatly helped with severe depression with ECT.

      • You can’t get ketamine for depression outside of clinical trials, though, right? I’ve looked into clinical trials before, but they have frustratingly narrow inclusionary/exclusionary criteria. For instance, to qualify for most of the studies on treatment-resistant depression, you can’t have failed on more than three antidepressants! I think I’ve probably failed three in each class. I’d also be excluded because I’m on other (non-psych) meds, and going off those would be life-threatening.

        I’ve done ECT already. 29 treatments, enough memory loss and cognitive impairment they said it wasn’t safe to continue. It didn’t help for more than a few days at a time anyway.

        If there were other options available, I’d try them in a heartbeat, but there aren’t.

      • 29 treatments of ECT. My heart goes out to you. The Director of NIMH did mention that some Ketamine clinics offer it “off-label”, though the NIMH counterindicates such use. Though, if it is counterindicated with your current meds, then you are out of luck. I’m so sorry that you cannot find relief with meds or ECT.

  10. You matter. You do not realize it now, but many people in your life care a great deal about you. We are strangers, and we care. No doubt your family, friends, and acquaintances care, too. Depression tells you they are better off without you, but they are not. They care.

    • It’s not that I don’t think people care. It’s that the people who have the power to make my life survivable don’t care.

      • Do you think that your psychiatrist and therapist don’t care? or that your family and friends don’t care? Tell them you don’t think they care.

      • I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’m pretty sure they don’t care. My friends and family care to the extent that they can, but they can’t help me with most of my issues. My problems are primarily health-related and socioeconomic issues. The latter could be solved if people in positions of power made ending poverty a priority, but for the most part, they ignore us or blame us.

        Basically, if I had the economic stability to survive and get adequate treatment, I could deal with my other issues. It wouldn’t magically cure me, but it would allow me space to work on the deeper emotional issues. You can’t feel safe enough to do that if you don’t know if you’ll have heat in the winter or food to eat. It all goes back to Maslow’s hierarchy.

      • There is help for those on the lowest socioeconomic rungs. The working poor have it worst. Try MHA at (800) 969.6642 for treatment options. You NEED a pdoc and a therapist.

      • I’m getting “services” from the agency that contracts with DMH in my area. It took months to get that, and I had to sit there while a supervisor told me, “We already have 200 clients. Which of those do you want me to drop so I can give you services?”

        What I get is called flexible community based support, but it doesn’t live up to its name. I have a case manager who doesn’t even have a college degree who comes to my apartment an hour a week and talks about fluff. I was told they can’t offer me therapy because no one there can work with severe dissociative disorders. I’ve been trying to find a therapist outside that agency, but since I have no transportation, it’s pretty much impossible.

        The problem is not that I haven’t looked for all the resources that are out there. They just don’t have resources that meet my needs.

      • Severe dissociative disorder definitely requires a high level of expertise, not just some case manager without advanced training. I am so sorry. It is DMH’s job to get you services. You may have to turn to online support groups for dissociative disorders.

      • I have, but there are obvious limits to that–mostly because you have to be so aware of triggering others. They are helpful in some respects, though.

  11. I’m thinking about you, and hoping that you just hang on for another day. Just a day. We’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. In the meantime, just keep breathing. I’ll check back in soon. Sending so much love from an internet stranger.

  12. Hang on. Please hang on. Tell C how bad it is. You have to trust someone some time in order to get the help you need. Please reach out to C. It cant hurt, and it might just help matters. XX

  13. I’ve known you for a pretty long time now and I understand where you are coming from. I know you try so hard to get help. You’ve had several therapists and docs since we met, you’ve been in an inpatient program trying to heal and you’ve battled your physical sickness so hard…xox it’s okay to want to give up now and then. I know I sound a at odds with the rest of the advice you’re getting here but I know that seeking the right help isn’t your problem. (Hugs tight). I am sometimes alive only because I have a son who needs me. The guilt of that is strong enough to sustain me. You’re allowed to trip and fall down sometimes, my amazing friend. I won’t tell you to “hang in there” but know I love you and would understand no matter what. Xoxoxo

  14. I just wanted to jump in and add that Ketamine is now available as a pain treatment. It used to be only trail, but now many doctors have it available.
    Also see Biofeedback therapy for chronic pain (life saving for me), and Calmare Therapy is not widely available yet, but look for it soon. People are getting major pain relief with this non-invasive treatment.
    I’m so sorry. You have been through so much.
    Are you on any of the facebook support groups? Idk what I would do without mine. Disussions like this one 24/7.
    Having support helps a lot. You have been through so much! You are such a fighter!

    • Interesting…I was not aware that they’d made it more widely available. (“Widely available” is quite a misnomer, I’m sure, given the way the government is so obsessed with preventing addiction that legitimate patients can’t get pain meds.)

      I’m on some Facebook groups, but honestly I feel like I just get lost there. They seem very clique-ish, and I’ve never known how to get into groups like that. So I basically just read. Are there particular ones you think are good?

      • I understand what u mean about both the groups and the pain meds!
        I don’t do many groups myself. I just stick to one or 2 that show actual support and keep going back to those. is small but very nice ppl for chronic pain. And I go to Here to Help RSD a lot bc somone is ALWAYS available to talk.
        Finding friends from the fb groups makes it easy for me to reach out through Private Messaging too, when things hit the fan (a lot). Like today… I have several other conditions but the RSD ppl are very kind.
        And yes, pain meds, UGGHHH!!!! Idk if you read my post about pain meds?? Finally, ketamine is becoming available to us.
        If you want to email me, we can talk more about Ketamine infusions.
        Sending soft hugs to you.

      • Ahh…I don’t have RSD, so I wouldn’t want to butt into someone else’s safe space. Maybe what I need is a good general chronic illness group, but a smallish one where my posts don’t all get lost and ignored because I don’t sit at the popular kids’ table. A friend and I are working on starting a non-Facebook for chronic illness, but it probably won’t be up and running until after Christmas.

        What I really wish I could find is an in-person support group. Don’t get me wrong, I love the internet, but sometimes actual human contact helps too. But there’s nothing in my area, and I don’t have the spoons to try and start one myself.

      • Hope- have you checked out
        The gal that runs the page is generally pretty well informed and might also be able to recommend some good support groups and resources. I know she is involved with a lot of different IBD programs.
        Keep writing. Even if its the only thing you can do. Years ago my husband felt very much the way you feel right now. He felt his financial situation was so impossible the only answer was death. He got in his car and drove to Oregon so he could see the ocean before he died. I thank God that something about that ocean gave him just enough hope to hang on a little longer. And things were still tough for a while but he pulled through. About a year later he entered my life and he means the world to me.
        Things may feel impossible now, and I know you see so much evidence telling you it’s not worth it, but there has got to be evidence somewhere telling you to hang on. I know there is because you are still here. Focus on it, whatever it is, no matter how small it may seem. I believe you matter, both now and in the future. ❤

      • Honestly, I gave up on Facebook IBD groups because the all seem clique-ish and drama-ridden, but I’ll check that one out.

  15. Hi Hope, I sure appreciate your writing. Very courageous, even when you report feeling the opposite.

    May I make a suggestion? I know you sometimes use the name Nobody, and the other night that was really bothering me – it felt like real self-defeating energy to put out, something you and I don’t need.

    I’d feel real relieved if you tried dropping that name, as I think it might be “good magic,” at least a little bit of good magic, and we can use all we can get or create, right?

    With lots of appreciation and encouragement ~ Jean

  16. Here is my take on Suicide.

    Dead is just dead. As long as you have life, you have options.

    Here is what I do when I feel as if my life is a total waste:

    I go to my coin jar and take out 10 dollars, and then I walk into
    downtown San Francisco and give portions of it to elderly people
    who are homeless.

    When you give money to people who are hungry and suffering
    you have not only touched lives but have actively worked against
    a profound injustice.

    I hope this helps.

    I often think that suicide is a solution, but it is not…that’s the illness

    Rob Goldstein

    • If i had any money to give away, I’d probably be a lot less suicidal. I’m looking at tge very real possibility of not being able to heat my apartment this winter, so giving away what little money i have would make my life even more unlivable. I’ve mentioned poverty repeatedly as one of the major causes of my distress many times in this blog.

      • I understand…I’m very disabled and at times only have wheat crackers to eat…that’s why I use a a penny jar. This I learned from working in the field
        of mental health before I became ill, no one on earth can stop someone who is determined to suicide, just as no one can make someone who is truly committed to suffering give up their pain.

        For myself, this penny jar is an emergency lifeline that allows me to crawl
        out of those moments that feel so suffocating that I feel as if I have no other choice than to kill myself…

        Can I use this money for other things? Perhaps? But hope is as important
        as heating and food. Connections are as important a money…and gratitude
        for those few people who try to see beyond themselves in order to be present for me can be the difference between life and death.

        I hope this helps,

        Rob Goldstein

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