I feel like the only way to make anyone in power notice how desperate I am and how much I need help is to die.

It won’t help me, of course; I’ll be dead.  But I keep thinking maybe it would be the tipping point so that The Powers That Be would have to notice what their lack of compassion and refusal to help is doing to poor people, disabled people, mentally ill people.  Maybe by dying, I’d finally make them notice and listen to me.  I obviously can’t accomplish anything while I’m alive, so maybe I can finally do something good by dying.  Maybe it’ll make someone listen.

But who am I kidding?  I’m not important enough for anyone in power to notice, let alone listen to.  When I die, I won’t even be a statistic.  I don’t even matter enough for that.



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6 responses to “

  1. you need/want someone to talk to

  2. breakdownchick

    I have felt that way too. Then my conspiracy side tells me that’s what they want.
    I believe if I or you are going to make a change &/or make people aware, then the best thing we can do is live&tell our story&believe in our own power.
    Easier said than done, no doubt;
    but know you are not alone&you matter!

    • It is what they want, but I don’t care anymore. To quote a great TV show, the preeminent truth of our age is that you cannot fight the system.

      I can’t win. Given that fact, I don’t really care who does win. It doesn’t matter. I’ll die, and it will make few ripples. I’m not really important, and no one important will notice my death.

      But no one important will notice my life, either, so then what’s the point of keeping myself alive for all the pain? You cannot make people listen when they choose over and over not to hear. The Powers That Be have systematically erased people like me–poor, crazy, sick, disabled. They don’t have to see or hear anyone like me, so they choose not to. They can avoid their discomfort by worsening ours, and they’re going to carry on that way.

      There’s a greater chance that I’ll be noticed dead than alive. Of course, the greatest likelihood is that no one will really notice my death. That’s okay with me because at least I won’t be in pain anymore. And there’s a chance, however slight, that my death will make someone notice, and maybe they’ll understand and work to improve things so maybe other people like me have the resources they need and don’t have to kill themselves.

  3. You matter. To us. Are you saying we are nothing then?

    You do educate us here when you write. Have you written e-mails or on twitter/fb or elsewhere (perhaps under a nickname) to important people too? A lot can be done even anonymously sometimes!

    I think you living, against all odds, is the best chance to make people notice!

  4. Yes yes you matter! You are heard! We all hear you unfortunately we’re powerless to do anything to stop you if you really wish to die, but you will be a loss to this world for sure! XX

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