Angry All the Time

Lately, I’m noticing that I’m angry all the time.  I don’t like it.

I feel like I’m trapped in a life I don’t want and have little control over, no matter how hard I try.  I feel hopeless.  I feel abandoned because I’m not getting the kind of support I need.  I keep trying so hard to make my life work, but it feels like almost everything is beyond my control.

So I’m angry all the time.  I want to lash out at all the people who could be helping me but aren’t.  I want to make other people feel as hurt, powerless, and hopeless as I do.

I feel like a monster.

But the truth is I don’t really want to hurt people.  I want to be helped.  I want to connect.  But I don’t know how anymore because all my efforts have failed, so I end up angry and bitter, wanting to lash out and pick fights and hurt people.

I feel so stuck, and the world around me is just getting darker and darker.  Is there any help for me?

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Angry All the Time

  1. Just Another Pixie

    Oh, I can understand the anger and mixed feelings and it all… I wish you could get the kind of support you need!

    You’ve been through a lot and it’s natural that it made you angry…

    Do the people who could be helping you know about the extent of your troubles? (I don’t mean just us online.)

    What if you would ‘let go’ a bit and stop trying so hard to keep control etc? I wonder if things could improve? Sometimes they do…

    Offtopic, I found another site that could maybe be useful – patreon.com, one can get paid for blogs there too, per month or per creation
    It’s more for artists, but you have a way of writing that touches people, so I thought maybe you could do this too – I don’t know if with this blog or if you have or could have another…?

    • They know about everything but the suicidality. I can’t mention that because they’d just toss me in the hospital, which would likely just make things worse.

      But they don’t have the resources, and since I seem high-functioning…*shrug* “Well, glad you’re doing okay” is the general attitude. And then when I finally do kill myself, they’ll act all surprised, like no one could’ve seen it coming, like soul-crushing poverty and chronic illness and intractable depression and lack of treatment weren’t good predictors.

  2. I know that feeling. I’ve often felt it. Its not nice. Sending hugs your way. Hope the angry goes soon. XX

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