Dis-integrated

C wants me to have a sit-down with my landlady and my roommate.  It makes perfect sense, except…well, I don’t know if I can.

I’m in PTSD hell, and I just can’t deal with anything else right now.  It’s too many triggers all at once–the bar thing last weekend and now this bullshit drama.  And I have nowhere to turn, no way to process any of it.

I know that if we have a meeting, one of two things will happen.  Possibility one: I will switch to a terrified child part who will just apologize and try to make nice or will freeze and shut down because she can’t handle conflict–it’ll all be about avoiding the abuse that comes with conflict.  (I know, the two aren’t always linked, but in this case, roommate has actually been verbally aggressive, even though it was indirect, so this fear is not invalid.)  The other possibility is that I’ll switch to the angry teenage part who will just want to verbally annihilate the roommate and is very well capable of it.  That would be the part who posted the gif post yesterday–the one who’s just like, “Bitch plz.  I am stronger and smarter and a whole lot goddamn scarier than you are, and if you wanna know what a REAL threat looks like, I’ll fucking show you.”

I know that, at this point, given my levels of stress, panic, and dissociation, I won’t be able to stay me without switching.  C asked me today which part of me could deal with the situation, and the truth is there’s nobody.  We’re triggered in different ways and by different aspects of the situation, but we’re all triggered.  That seems to be the way it usually works in my system–the boundaries between us are not rigid, so the responses to situations blur together too.  What affects one of us almost always affects all of us.

It’s times like these that I really need a therapist.  I need someone who can help me sort out the triggers and get all of us more grounded in the present.  I need to be able to integrate the child parts’ desire to be nice and not hurt roommate with the teenage part’s “I’m above this and you can’t hurt me with your stupid drama” sense of self-assurance.  I know they’re parts of me, and I can see them and feel their feelings, but I can’t integrate them into me, and I can’t manage to stay present when I even hear or think about the roommate, so I know I won’t be able to if we sit down face to face.

I know what I need to be able to do to manage this meeting, but I have no idea how to get there.  It feels really hopeless and terrifying right now.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Dis-integrated

  1. Oh that sound terrifying to me as well. I mean, I see the point of it all but I don’t think I’d do well in that situation on a good day, let alone all triggered and messed up in the head. xoxoxo If you want to talk about it before hand….to get ready or whatever, please text me? I’ll do anything I can to help.

  2. Just Another Pixie

    hmm… could you do it more easily in writing? via e-mail or possibly typing chat? with someone there with you?
    I think it’s okay if you try to explain PTSD to them, do they know anything about it? maybe send them some cool links to read beforehand, to understand what are triggers in general etc? and if you say you were not really being serious with the murdering part, you were just venting frustration… and here’s the things that have really been a problem (and list them) If you’d meet in person it would be good to have things in writing with you too, and an ally or two who would have the copies and be your ‘lawyer’ if needed? It might be better to wait with a meeting until you are more stable and integrated though.

    • I don’t know. I’ve basically given up on the whole situation. I’ll just hide in my bedroom forever. I don’t have the energy left to care anymore.

  3. Did you ever have a meeting? If you did, I hope it was ok. Dissociation is a problem for me too during meetings. I get real spacy and disconnected and ungrounded and unbalanced. XX

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