Feeling so disconnected from everything and everyone, especially myself. I hate loneliness like this–it feels like I can’t survive.
I keep searching for some way to connect. Keep refreshing the blog, Facebook, various internet forums. I try to talk, but I don’t feel heard. I never feel heard, so it must be about me, not about everyone else. Once or twice could be an anomaly; more than that becomes a pattern.
I just don’t want to be alone anymore.
I think I have a way of talking that makes me alone. People can’t relate, can’t connect. I shut down conversations. I set up impossible situations where no one can win, especially me. I keep anyone from giving me what I want, and then I blame them for it. I’m the one who shuts down any connection. I’m the one who digs trenches and puts up walls. It’s all my own fault.
And I don’t know how to stop.