Distance

Feeling so disconnected from everything and everyone, especially myself.  I hate loneliness like this–it feels like I can’t survive.

I keep searching for some way to connect.  Keep refreshing the blog, Facebook, various internet forums.  I try to talk, but I don’t feel heard.  I never feel heard, so it must be about me, not about everyone else.  Once or twice could be an anomaly; more than that becomes a pattern.

I just don’t want to be alone anymore.

I think I have a way of talking that makes me alone.  People can’t relate, can’t connect.  I shut down conversations.  I set up impossible situations where no one can win, especially me.  I keep anyone from giving me what I want, and then I blame them for it.  I’m the one who shuts down any connection.  I’m the one who digs trenches and puts up walls.  It’s all my own fault.

And I don’t know how to stop.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Distance

  1. Ugh, that sounds horribly painful! Do you think a part might be blocking connection?

  2. (Hugs). I relate to a lot of what you say. Now, that’s not necessarily a good thing…

    I love you as you are. Even when you hate yourself for it. Xx

  3. Just Another Pixie

    Aww, communication is an art that is not easy to master… I love you as you are too. And we learn as we live…

    • I don’t know…I feel like I’m getting more and more disconnected as I live. When you’re a kid, even up through college, it’s easy to make friends because you’re always around people, and you’re eventually going to find someone you can click with. But now, as an adult, I have no idea how to connect. I feel like people mostly just forget I exist because I just sit in my bedroom every day. They remember me when they want me to do something, but once I’ve done it, I become invisible again.

  4. happilydpressed

    I get like that. Quite often these days. As much as I want to connect with people, I don’t have the strength.

    It’s the worst feeling to feel alone. It’s hopeless and empty. But just know that you have so many people on here that love hearing from you. You’ve made a difference in our lives, if it matters. That’s something. It may not be a tangible connection but it’s real.

  5. I hear you. And I accept you just how you are. You really do make a difference, and your passion shines through in your writing when you write on certain topics. I love reading your blog and I’d miss you if you weren’t around. xXX

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