existential exhaustion

Last night, I dreamed that I was at work on Election Day, and my bosses kept giving me more and more stuff to do, and I just couldn’t keep up with all of it.  A lot of it was stuff I’d never done and didn’t know how to do, and no one would teach me how or help me at all.  Then we lost the election, and they were all angry at me and said it was all my fault.  Then I had to walk home.  It was cold, and I kept falling down because my legs wouldn’t work.  I had to crawl part of the way.  When I finally got home, the power was out, and somebody from the power company was yelling at me for being useless and not paying my bills.

I mean, I also dreamed that I signed Mary Poppins up for a canvass shift, so clearly my brain is kind of nuts.

But the first dream…it’s pretty clear what that’s about.  No need for interpretation there.  It’s how I feel about myself: I’m a failure at everything, my life is falling apart, everybody either already hates me or is going to hate me when they find out what a fuck-up I am, and even my body won’t do what I need it to.  I’m going to be left alone in the dark and the cold because I’m an unlovable failure.

I’m just so tired of fighting so hard and never getting anywhere.  I’m just so tired of everything.  I don’t want to do it anymore.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “existential exhaustion

  1. im so sorry your so exhausted. thats hard. its hard to keep going when your in that mode. i send you hugs and support. xoxo

  2. Kyra, you have been in my thoughts all day and I was glad to see a post from you. I know you’re exhausted and I know I can’t fix that. I just keep thinking. .. you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re more than your financial situation and the people who have not appreciated you. I’m so envious of your political knowledge and involvement because people like you are so important if we want things to change. And I so truly believe that you can be a powerful voice for change in this system that needs to change! I know you’re afraid of how bad things might get and I don’t blame you a bit. But your fight will inevitably give you the credibility to be the force for change. You ARE the hero of this story. I don’t know much about things like gofundme and those programs but I think you have a story that needs telling and I know I’m not the only one here who believes that. please before you decide your story is over, look into trying this? I don’t have much but I would give what I could and I believe there are others here who would as well. Please think about it? You ARE worth it!

    • See Kyra, I told you you touched people’s hearts worldwide!
      If you find the process of starting a crowdfunding campaign by yourself as ‘too much’, can someone else start it for you?
      Like this guy did for a homeless vet! http://www.gofundme.com/fd33hs
      Or this mum for her daughter: http://www.gofundme.com/dkqv9k
      The friend can use real name and you’d just have a nickname…

      From their site: quote: “Can I raise money for a friend?
      Of course! You can either withdraw the funds first then send them to your beneficiary, or contact our team to give your beneficiary access to the account. Please note you will not be able to enter their check or bank information during the withdrawal process, they will need to do this themselves. Contact us to set up withdrawals for your beneficiary.”
      http://www.gofundme.com/questions/

      I’m thinking this 2nd option would be easier, what do you think, Kyra? Or option 1 if you wish to stay really anonymous even to the gofundme site. (I can’t have money on my bank account if I wish to receive unemployment benefits, so someone else would need to step in then! Can you trust someone enough to do that? Plus my country doesn’t seem elligible for payouts. But I’d be happy to be part of this! Even if just sharing on FB & Twitter… For some other crowdfunding sites you need to be an US citizen to start the campaign or oversee the $$$ – any trustworthy person in mind?:)

      Also, what ‘zone/zip-code’ to put into the site? Your real hometown or another place? Portland? 🙂 Things to consider…
      Any photos and/or videos you’d be okay with sharing (in the shadow/from the back/just bodyparts/in costume, so that you can’t be recognized?)

      How much would you need to survive the winter – or through 2015 too? 10k$, 20k$? Or more? We could ask for college tuition money separately or together with this – how much would you need for that?

      kmaramarie, thanks for posting this! I didn’t know about gofundme before, but I googled it up!

      • I’ll have to do more research into this once the election’s over and I’ve gotten some sleep. My brain’s too fried right now.

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