Last night, I dreamed that I was at work on Election Day, and my bosses kept giving me more and more stuff to do, and I just couldn’t keep up with all of it. A lot of it was stuff I’d never done and didn’t know how to do, and no one would teach me how or help me at all. Then we lost the election, and they were all angry at me and said it was all my fault. Then I had to walk home. It was cold, and I kept falling down because my legs wouldn’t work. I had to crawl part of the way. When I finally got home, the power was out, and somebody from the power company was yelling at me for being useless and not paying my bills.
I mean, I also dreamed that I signed Mary Poppins up for a canvass shift, so clearly my brain is kind of nuts.
But the first dream…it’s pretty clear what that’s about. No need for interpretation there. It’s how I feel about myself: I’m a failure at everything, my life is falling apart, everybody either already hates me or is going to hate me when they find out what a fuck-up I am, and even my body won’t do what I need it to. I’m going to be left alone in the dark and the cold because I’m an unlovable failure.
I’m just so tired of fighting so hard and never getting anywhere. I’m just so tired of everything. I don’t want to do it anymore.