Everything is so dark.

I keep wishing I would die.  A car accident, a murder, my colon suddenly rupturing.  I don’t really care, as long as I don’t have to do it to myself.  Eventually, if I don’t die, I will do it to myself, once the election is over.

I wanted to live, but I can’t.

I tried, I really did.  I tried so hard for so long.  Sometimes things were better, but now there’s no hope of that happening again.

The three hotlines not answering last night was my breaking point.  I can’t try anymore.  I’m sorry.  I’m not going to survive this.  I’m mostly okay with that.  I mean, it makes me angry because I want to be able to survive.  But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t, at least as much as anyone can come to terms with that.

I’m not crazy, and I don’t belong in a hospital.  Suicide is a logical response when faced with hopeless, unlivable conditions.  All the rhetoric around suicide (driven mainly by organizations funded by drug companies that get filthy rich by selling us antidepressants instead of addressing the socioeconomic and traumatic origins that underlie many cases of mental illness) says you can’t be suicidal and sane, but I am perfectly sane.  Lack of societal acceptance of a behavior doesn’t mean that those who demonstrate that behavior are insane.  Not that long ago, homosexual acts were seen as an indicator or insanity.  I’m suicidal and sane.  It’s the only real choice left to me.



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18 responses to “Rational

  1. I have been in darkness and saw death as the only answer. I actually believe that people should have the right to choose their time of death and that in should be done in a way that is peaceful and gentle. Just like the right to die people.
    I still have moments when I wake up in such distress that I hope I will not live a long life. However, I have found that the darkness lifts. I was in the dark for about 8 years. Today, I have found meaning and purpose and I have learned how to mange the pain of my physical illness – PTSD. Some days I would consider myself thriving with PTSD, other days I am managing it to the best of my ability.
    Can you do what gives you pleasure, purpose and meaning despite the darkness? That was what I had to focus on when I was in the dark.
    Thinking of you. You are not alone in knowing such darkness.

    • I’m glad your darkness lifted, but I really don’t think mine is going to. That’s not just depression talking–I have searched and searched for a way to meet my needs, but the combination of crappy circumstances makes it virtually impossible. There are tons of statistics about poverty, chronic illness, and mental illness, and they’re not good. They’re even worse for people experiencing all of them.

      Nothing gives me pleasure anymore, and I’m losing meaning. I mean, it becomes an existential crisis–how can anything be meaningful when you can’t even meet your basic needs? It’s Maslow’s hierarchy. I’ve lost many of the things that used to make me happy. I used to love martial arts, but now I can barely stand. I used to love my dog, but I had to give him up because I was too sick to take care of him. I used to love politics, but now I feel so jaded by a system that fails me over and over that it all seems hopeless. I’m only doing the work I’m doing in the hope that eventually it’ll benefit other people in situations like mine. I know it won’t help my situation. In a way, I hope my suicide will catalyze change. My candidate knows who I am, but she has no idea about my situation. Maybe my death will bring some attention to all the other people, the people with the greatest needs, who are being continually and terribly failed by the system but are made politically invisible.

  2. I will say that I also believe that people should have the right to choose in life and in death. But I also want you to know you have a beautiful powerful voice that I would miss.

  3. When everything is against you, where do you turn? (Hugs you). I know, my friend. I wish for nothing more than for you to find some peace. Much love from me. Xox

  4. Reading this and your other recent posts makes me incredibly sad. I don’t want to accept this idea that you should die.
    I am so emotional for you and I feel your pain.
    I hate that I don’t have a way to help improve your life and make these thoughts irrelevant to you. I want to knock on your door and give you a hug and help you in any way I can to have something more in your life to hold on to.
    I hope you don’t really believe that the hotlines not answering was a sign that you don’t matter. Your work on the election and your small acceptance of the fact that you can’t kill yourself during the campaign must reflect this! Human error is hard to not take personally and I know I would probably feel the same way in this situation but I also know that it is impossible that an organizsations or other persons flaws could accurately reflect your significance.
    I am sorry that you don’t have hope. I wish that this would change for you. I don’t want you to die Kyra and I don’t want you to be alone. If I can alter either of these feelings please let me know how.
    Please remember that despite the valid pain and the obstacles you’re facing you are worth more in life, you deserve more and being alive is the only way you can have it.
    I am not going to deny you peace if you feel that suicide is truly the way to achieve that, but I do want you to really think about this decision. It is the one decision that you can never come back from, everything else has the potential to change.
    If you find that you are reasoned in your decision – truly, objectively reasoned, I then ask you to express this to your mental health team. Surely these people are logical enough to be convinced if you are truly right about the decision.
    Finally I ask you to consider what you would say to someone else on the edge. I feel that surely, even feeling as hopeless as you do, that suicide would not be something you would advocate for another. I know this because I know how it feels to be on the edge where you are. I know how it feels to believe the decision rational and to be the only choice there is; to think about it so much as the only way out. But I also know that when faced with someone else who experiences this hurt, like you are now, that the tiny, almost invisible light of hope I normally experience starts to glow for that other person and then I remember that it is there.
    You don’t need to respond to this or justify what you are feeling but I do hope you really do consider what I’m saying.
    Please take care of yourself.
    Aimee xx

    • I wrote a long reply, and then WordPress made it go poof. Go figure. I’ll try to reproduce it and hope it doesn’t disappear again.

      I don’t have a mental health team to tell, which is one of the problems. Therapy is inaccessible, and all I’m left with is a useless case manager who never even asks how I’m doing emotionally. She’s never once asked about my symptoms, either. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out she doesn’t know my diagnosis.

      But even if I had a team, I wouldn’t tell them. I know full well that all they’d do is hospitalize me. That doesn’t help and usually makes things worse because it’s a big PTSD trigger for me. Mental health professionals in particular have blinders about the logic of suicide. They’re indoctrinated to believe that suicidal people are all mentally ill and therefore incapable of making rational decisions. Then confirmation bias comes into play, and everything you do or say is interpreted as proof that you’re just crazy. That approach completely fails people who are suicidal primarily because of socioeconomic stressors and lack of adequate services, as is the case for me and many other suicidal people. (Take, for instance, the big spike in the number of suicides after the 2008 market crash.)

      As for what I’d say to someone else in my position…well, you probably won’t like it, but I’m good at unpopular opinions. I believe suicide should be considered a civil right. I’ve lost several friends to suicide, and yeah, it’s hard. But I actually found it less painful than when I lost a friend in a car accident and another to cancer. Those friends didn’t want to die; their lives were taken away from them by things outside of their control. My friends who committed suicide chose to die. I find it comforting to know that they’re not suffering anymore. I believe that if someone makes a reasoned, well-thought-out decision to end their life, they have every right to do that. It would be cruel for me to insist that they live with unbearable pain so that I can avoid having to deal with the pain of losing them. Honestly, I think the mainstream approach to suicide prevention is immoral because it keeps people alive but, in many cases, doesn’t help them make their lives livable.

      • I understand your response and certainly don’t begrudge you your opinions or your choices.
        While it saddens me that you wish to make a choice like this, I know that it is not about me.
        This is not a simple topic and I would never claim to have it all figured out, I respect your feelings and have not intended to offended or deny you your feelings. As I said I just wish so badly there was something I could do.
        In the end I only wish you good things and inner peace.
        xx Aimee

  5. I can’t change things for you, but I do want you to know that I understand your position. I’ve faced suicide as the only logical answer to what’s been thrown at me, and I agree it doesn’t make you insane. I am sorry you find yourself standing where you are, and I hope that peace finds you x

  6. Well, I think it would be better to wait and try some other things first – maybe the suicide hotlines not answering is a sign that you need to find answers elsewhere?? I wonder how many people in this blogger world would be willing to share your fundraising idea *KYRA WANTS TO LIVE* or something like that, with a description of your story, on Facebook, Twitter, their own blog or elsewhere, or some might even contribute financially or as ‘team members’! You know you’ve touched hearts worldwide!! And you could touch even more hearts!

    To me, calling those three hotlines (and being upset about it!) symbolizes that you do want to live!! But in a better way…

    You could also call attention to how poorly the society has treated those with (severe) health and mental health problems, and what could be done to improve things! You could change people’s lives… just by being you. I’m sure there are people worldwide that would be willing to help!

    • I would have to use my real name in order to do any fundraising, and I’m not willing to do that. My primary abuser is an ex-cop who has tried to track me down on the internet before, which is a large part of why I blog anonymously. There are also professional/career concerns that come into play. Political organizing is a small world, and stigma still exists–not in everyone, but in enough people that I still feel like it’s necessary to keep most of my issues a secret in case I ever want/am well enough to get a paid organizing position. I also eventually want to go to law school, and there are many documented cases where people have been been denied entrance to the bar because they’d been treated for a mental illness.

      I wish I were brave enough to say screw the stigma, but I’m not.

  7. Look at you and all these wonderful plans!
    I know about the stigma and understand your reasons to wish to stay anonymous.
    What if another person or NGO were doing the fundraising and you could stay anonymous? (Are there already existing opportunities for that or would we need to create ones?)
    I’m thinking about an NGO that specifically helps people with health and mental health troubles in difficult circumstances meet their basic needs. And/or asking bigger NGO/s to take up part of this work.

    How do you think your suicide could help the cause/s you’re supporting? ‘XYZ kill their volunteers’ – would you like to see those headlines in GOP newspapers? (I’m assuming you’re doing the work for democrats? PM/e-mail if you wish) Wouldn’t it be better to start an NGO or get existing NGOs expand their work and get volunteers to do fundraising to pull awareness to the problems?!
    If you just die, people may say, ‘Oh, she’s just been mentally ill, she didn’t tell anything to anybody… such a shame, but life goes on.’ If you stay alive, you can really fight for social justice and for better treatment of people like you and me, and many more out there…
    You have a lot of experience that could come handy in such work!!

  8. I can tell you’ve been fighting. In the small things like your posts. What you are focusing on. The blogs I see you liking. I don’t know you and I can see you clinging to those rays of hope. But like rays, like the sun, hope slips through our fingers. It isn’t like something tangible we can touch and hold. It’s here one minute and gone the next leaving us empty: a familiar feeling.
    Then, if it stays too long, we feel sure there is nothing for us here any more.
    I have a difficult time with someone telling a person who is on the edge of life and death that it is ok to choose when we live or die. Just casually.
    This isn’t a casual conversation. I don’t know you very well still, but I don’t ever want to be casual about your battle as it isn’t casual for you day in and day out.
    I saw you changed your name from “nobody.” Someone likes my posts now. Someone comments. someone is an owner of a blog. someone types words. You have a name. Kyra. I like it.

  9. sending you hugs, and support. I know it seems really bad when there is darkness at every tunr. but things will look up. surely they will. try to keep hoping. xoxo

  10. Hoping things are starting to look up? Still way behind so I dont actually know if they are or not but I am always hopeful for you Kyra. I really think a fundraising page would be something to consider. Go fund me is a good site and I think a fictional name would be ok to put out there. xoxo

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