I tried three different suicide hotlines and a chat.  None of them answered.

How am I supposed to not take that personally?  How am I supposed to not see that as a sign that I’m meant to kill myself?

I feel like the whole world wants me to get it over with already.

I mean, I fucking called a suicide hotline.  I fucking called THREE of them.  Knowing there’s a chance they’d sic the cops on me to drag me off to the hospital.  Having had that happen before.

But nope, no help for you, Kyra.  Not even the last resort people give a shit about you.

How much more am I expected to do?  How much harder am I supposed to try?

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26 Comments

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  1. I feel terrible that no one was there to answer your plea for help. Would it be possible for you to get a working number by calling your state NAMI office or perhaps a community mental health center. NAMI is the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. There may be support meetings in your community.

    • I’m already getting “services” from DMH, such as they are. A case manager sees me once a week and does basically nothing. She’s never even asked me how my symptoms are or how I’m coping. They just assume that as long as you look fine, then you don’t really need help.

      NAMI doesn’t have any groups in my town. Even if they did, I wouldn’t be able to access them because I no longer have access to public transit, and I can’t afford a car.

  2. That is fucking horrible. Wtf is wrong with this country. Kyra it is not you. In PA we have like a 211 or a 411 also every county has a 24 hotline that is not a suicide hotline that sends police. I have called it myself when I could not take it anymore. They take suicide calls, too. They have counselors that will come out also. Maybe they have those in your state? OMG I am so angry right now. Fuck.
    It is not you. I know how hard you are trying. I hear you. We all hear you. Not trying to give you advice, i am just so angry. For you. Angry for you.
    If you could have what you needed right now, tell us what it would be? You have people listening.

    • Our police are incredibly inept, and I wouldn’t trust them to handle a suicidal crisis. They’re also a HUGE trigger for me because my father was a cop.

      Anyway, all they’d do is drag me off to the hospital, where I’d do nothing but stare at the walls for 18 hours a day because they don’t actually provide any treatment. They’d just try to coerce me into taking drugs that won’t help and will probably make me worse. Then in a week or so, they’ll dump me right back out into the same hopeless situation.

      What I need…enough money to meet my basic needs. A car or access to public transit. A change in living situation–preferably living alone, but I could deal with a roommate if they were an actual fucking adult, unlike the current one. A good therapist who understands trauma and DID, although I’d settle for just trauma.

      But none of those are things anyone here can give me.

      • I don’t trust fucking police at allll. No way. And I agree about a hospital.

        What if somehow the blogging community could help you?

      • I don’t think there’s anything anyone here can do for me, unfortunately. What I need are concrete things, and those would clog up the internet tubes.

  3. happilydpressed

    When I saw that you chose Kyra as a name, I actually teared up a bit. I felt honored that I could be of some help to you. I wish everyone here on WordPress could send you help, some tangible gift to show you that people do care about you. But like you said, computer lines can’t do that yet.

    I’m not very good at this, but I felt I needed to say something to you. I’ve always been scared to call one of those hotlines, even when someone actually handed me the number. I give you credit for having the courage to want to help yourself. It’s a great quality.

    Don’t think about what the universe is trying to tell you. Don’t think about what everyone else wants you to do. You called that hotline…even though they didn’t answer, you spoke up for yourself. You wanted to keep trying.

    What do you expect from yourself? You’re strong. You can beat this. Only you can tell yourself what you’re supposed to do. No one else should have that power.

    • I wish I could just not think about things, but I don’t know how.

      I’m not strong. I was strong for a long time, longer than my body or my mind could tolerate it. And now I’m collapsing, literally and metaphorically. I just can’t do it anymore.

  4. tho its an triggering subject for us as we struggle with su aswell, we do want to respond. we did read and are thinking of you xxx

  5. mandy

    I’m so sorry you didn’t get answer when you called for help. Especially where someone really should be there. There’s a fighter in you. I see it. You wouldn’t be here otherwise. I agree with @sheridegrom above. Don’t give up❤

  6. Kyra, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried rainn.org but they have a phone number and a chat line, both confidential. I haven’t used them myself but it’s an organization i trust.

    • I thought theirs was just for sexual assault/abuse. Do they deal with suicidal crises too? I mean, I have that stuff in my history, but it’s not the cause of my current crisis.

      • I know it’s not a direct cause to everything going on, but maybe it plays a part in how you’re feeling? I know for me it always does because it affects the way i deal with stress and how I view myself. I also believe it’s directly related to the UC. And I’m sure they have probably dealt with suicidal crises as a result of assault/abuse. If nothing else they may be able to direct you to something more specific. I think it’s worth a try.

  7. You still need someone to talk to?

  8. That’s awful that no one was able to help at the time you needed it. I work on the ‘one day at a time’ principle. It sounds trite, I know but it works. I hope you can find strength to get you to tomorrow, and then to the next tomorrow…

  9. No help from U.S., National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255? or from peer-run Warm Lines at http://www.warmline.org/? Terrible that our crisis lines are not getting answered.

    • I tried the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, the Samaritans hotline, and one more…can’t remember which one. And crisischat.org. All of them were basically like, “Sorry, too many other people are suicidal right now for us to talk to you. Call back later if you’re not dead yet.”

  10. I have always had success with the LA Crisis Line. They do not call the police unless you want them to. Their # is 877-727-4747. They do have a gatekeeper, but if you tell them you’re suicidal and need to talk, they’ll route you to a counselor. I’m sorry you had that experience, and I hope you keep trying to reach out. We love you!!!

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