Can’t.

I can’t do this anymore.  Life, in general.  Anything.  Everything.  I just can’t.

This morning, I had to clean my roommate’s blood off the toilet and the floor.  SERIOUSLY?  I mean, it’s not like I’m the world’s best housekeeper, but I don’t leave my fucking blood for someone else to clean up.  That’s pretty much inexcusable.  If I could see it, she damn well could too.

My bank account is overdrawn, like every month.  I have power and cell phone bills to pay.  I still have no internet at home because I can’t afford it.  After the overdraft fees, I’m not sure I’m even going to have enough to pay this month’s rent, let alone oil and pellets for heat.  It’s getting worse and worse every month.

And I’m also out of food stamps money.  I don’t get any more until November 8, so I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to eat for the next two weeks.  I guess I’ll just starve myself.  Clearly I don’t matter enough to feed properly anyway, so why bother?

I didn’t get the job I applied for.  I got a “dear applicant” rejection email.  So there goes any hope of my financial situation getting any better.

There goes any hope for anything.  I have no hope left.  Hope is nothing but a cruel joke.  So is my life.

I think I’m going to kill myself after the election.  I don’t see any other way, and believe me, I have tried.  I have tried and tried and tried, and now I just can’t try anymore.  I would kill myself sooner, but I have commitments to this campaign.  It’s only a week until election day, but even keeping myself alive seems like more than I can manage.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Can’t.

  1. I think it’s great that you’re so committed to the campaign you’re willing to stay alive until Election Day, despite everything that’s got you feeling like you have no choice but to kill yourself. I mean, you’re willing to be hungry for a week working to get someone else elected – that takes some major dedication. I hope they know and appreciate having someone like you on their side. I’d pick someone willing to continue going through hell in order to help me out over pretty much anyone else. *hugs*

  2. You really are in a tough situation. I didnt realise your internet at home was switched off. I so wish I could help, I would if I was able to, words are just not enough sometimes, but maybe knowing people out here care about you and support you is something? It just feels like not a lot when your in such a rough situation with bills, money, food etc etc. xoxo

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