When I started this blog, I chose the name Hope. I think I was mostly just trying to convince myself of something I didn’t feel, and it hasn’t worked. I rarely feel hope, and I definitely don’t feel like Hope.
So I changed my display name to “nobody.” It’s how I feel about myself: like I barely exist, that I don’t really matter, and that my disappearance wouldn’t make much of a difference to the world.
Several people have pointed out that calling myself nobody is not very kind to myself, and it just reinforces the negative things I already feel about myself. They’re right, of course.
But there’s no other name that feels like it fits me. I have so many names. My real, legal name, none of it belongs to me. My first name is my maternal grandmother’s, my middle name is my paternal grandmother’s, and my last name is my father’s. None of them are truly mine. Different parts have their own names, but none of them are mine or ours, collectively.
In many spiritual traditions, a person takes a new name when their life changes or when they’re in need of healing. I think I fit both of those criteria. Traditionally, a religious leader or community gives the person their new name, and it reflects something that’s either already characteristic of them or something they can aspire to. I don’t really have a community in real life; the blog world is the closest thing I have.
So I’m looking for suggestions. I’m looking for a name.
(It’s very hard for me to ask for this, and I don’t know exactly why. I think mostly I feel like I don’t even deserve a name.)