Lately, I’ve been in a weird noncommunicative place.  Either I’m posting explosive blog rants because I can’t contain myself, or I’m dead silent because I don’t have anything to say that’s more important than silence.

I don’t really know how I am.  I feel like I’m just existing for no reason, so the moment something big goes wrong, I’ll want to kill myself again.  It’ll be money stuff–it’s always money stuff.  I can’t afford to pay my bills and I don’t know what I’m going to do and when I think about it I start to panic.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in the morning, and I don’t want to go.  I like the guy, I do.  He’s into functional medicine, and he doesn’t get caught up in all the mainstream psychiatry bullshit.  But he’s just going to want to run a bunch of tests I can’t afford and then tell me to take a bunch of supplements I can’t afford.  So it’s just…what’s the point, you know?

But that’s kind of how I feel about everything.  What’s the point of any of it?  I know everything’s going to blow up in my face, and I’ll try to kill myself again, hopefully successfully.  So why even bother–why not just do it now?  I think the only reason I don’t is I’m not motivated enough at this point.  When it’s freezing and I can’t pay for heat, then I’ll be motivated enough.  It’s fucked up, I know.  But it all feels inevitable.



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4 responses to “inevitability

  1. I overstand in more ways then I care to dump in you. I just want to know I am listening. I get if. You’re not alone. ❤

  2. Hi Hope,

    That feeling of inevitability….this might sound so wrong, so weird….but here it`s some kind of comfort to know that one day, we will. Suicide as a safety net sounds so wrong but reading this and earlier posts, it makes a heck of a lot of sense.

    Wish you weren’t so alone with this. Apologies for not really being around, but you’ve been in our thoughts.


  3. Go to the appointment and unload everything that you are feeling. That is my opinion.

  4. Hope the apt is a good one. Sorry things are so tough. They have to look up some time, hopefully? XX

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