Hat tip to Schrodinger

Right now–not sure if I exist…or not.  Real or not?

Can anyone even see me?  Hear me?  I think I have spoken, I think I have been heard, but then…nothing.  Silence, absence, vacuum.   If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.  There’s a face in the mirror but it doesn’t look real.  Inexplicable–of course it is real, but no, it’s not, or the person behind it isn’t real, I don’t know.

You’re not making any sense.

There are so many names but none of them are mine.  None of them fit.  The voices too.  And there’s no air in my lungs.  I keep breathing but it doesn’t help.

Do I exist?

You can’t ask that question because you can’t define your terms.  Define “I.”  All you know is what you are not, or what you think you are not.  Creating negative space around something doesn’t create matter in the positive space.  Now define “exist.”  You don’t know that either.

What I know is something is wrong and I need it to stop but I don’t know how to make it stop.  How can you stop something if you don’t even know if it’s real?

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “Hat tip to Schrodinger

  1. happilydpressed

    When I was a little girl, I used to say a prayer every night before bed. I prayed to a God I believed in with my entire childish heart, that my family would always be safe. As I got older, things changed. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it on here, but I was diagnosed with pediatric cancer and seeing all of the children suffer made me wonder who the hell I had been praying to? A God that does terrible things. I stopped believing. Today I asked myself if I still believed. I don’t know how to answer it though, because there’s nothing about this God or this world that I understand. The world has become a dark and lonely place for so many people. So what’s the point? Why should I be breathing right now? Why should I exist? I’m a waste of energy.

    But I do exist. Because here I am. Alone, yes. But here. An accumulation of little atoms that make me work in some miraculous way. I’m a broken bundle of matter, but I still am. And so are you. You’re here. I look at how much I’ve failed, how easy it was to fall after such a hard climb. And how much harder it is to push myself back up because I have no desire to reach the top. But I think about you in moments like this. I think about your pain and your most precious strength. Since I’ve joined WordPress, you were there. You shared your struggles, you’ve said you’ve given up, but…you are a fighter. I know you’re tired. But if there’s a reason I’m still kicking, there has to be a reason you are too. I refuse to believe that one life is more important than another, so I have to believe that we all have some purpose to fulfill. Otherwise, I should have died with those kids. And those kids could have taken my life. Because I don’t deserve it. But I have it. So I have no choice but to breathe, and hope.

    Your pain is real. And I wish I could offer you some physical help. Maybe try those sick days you have at the center? Get yourself back on the positive side. Rebuild your hope. Make some socks. Show this god damn world how strong you are.

    • I’m not sure what sick days or what center you mean…maybe you’re confusing me with somebody else? 🙂 Pretty much every day is a sick day for me at this point. I can barely stand up. My joints hurt. My muscles hurt. Nothing is helping.

      The truth is that I’m just not strong anymore. I’m doing everything I can for myself, but it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

      • happilydpressed

        No not confusing you, just bad with names…you said you had days at a rehab center that you didn’t want to use yet? Maybe you should

      • happilydpressed

        Shepard Pratt?

      • Oh. No, that’s my lifetime Medicare days for inpatient psychiatric treatment. If I use them now, I won’t get any more. I can’t have inpatient treatment ever again for the rest of my life, unless I get sent to a state hospital.

        It would take several months to get back into Sheppard Pratt anyway. You have to be referred by your therapist, but I don’t have one. Then there’s a wait list that typically runs 6-8 weeks. And I wouldn’t even have the money to travel there–it’s in Baltimore.

        And really, at this point, my stressors are primarily money and physical health. Realistically, being in a psych unit isn’t going to help with either of those. It would just be running away from my problems (lol I can’t even walk), and they’d all still be there when I got out.

      • happilydpressed

        Oh I was confused, nothing new for me lol I’m sorry…I wish I can help you. Just try to stay strong. You really are one of the strongest people on here. It’s inspirational

  2. I’ve asked similar questions of myself lately. I’m here, listening. I wish I could do more. But know I support you and here you. XX

  3. Hope, i do not have a problem with dissociation, but i do understand loneliness and needing contacts. If you think it would ever help you to reach out by phone just to hear the sound of another voice, you can call me. Just tell me what you need…i promise not to advise or try to help. I will just listen if that would help. Sometimes with my psychiatrist, when i am really upset, we talk about hiphop music and while it doesn’t solve my problems, it really lifts my spirits…just an offer. I think you can find my tel number on my website. If not, email me if you want it.

    Love to you.

    Pam

  4. You know I get super worried about you when you don’t post for a few days, right? You OK?

  5. I’ve had some serious issues with dp-dr. The way to “treat” it is simple. First of all, know that you will never find answers to your questions. You can struggle but it is something you need to accept. Then, try to forget it, dont talk about it , just live. Try to live the fullest. Read a good book. Have meaningful conversations. Fall in love. The fullest you live the more connected you will be to the reality. And to yourself . It may seem unrelated but it is not. Having these questions means you re a thinking mind. But when it overcomes , it means your reality is so painful that your brain derealizes, disconnects, in order for you not having to deal with what is real. Usually it happens after a sudden and painful change…

    • I haven’t found the “stick your fingers in your ears and hum real loud” approach useful for any of my issues, honestly. Ignoring problems and pretending they don’t exist doesn’t make them go away.

      My dissociation is chronic and will probably be life-long, as it is the result of sixteen years of abuse and torture. It’s not going to stop because I read a book or fall in love. (Also, I’m asexual and don’t really fall in love.) If it were that easy to fix, I would’ve fixed it a long time ago.

      • I’m sorry if I sounded insensitive, I really didn’t mean that.
        Also, you got me wrong. What I meant wasn’t to try to forget the problem, I would never find that a clever idea… What I meant is that the dissociation isn’t (as you know) the real problem. It is a reaction. It is not easy to fix. And you seem defeatist and bitter that I’ve come with solutions which were only examples… I dont know, I wished to say something helpful but maybe you don’t want that… So I’m sorry if I offended you. It breaks my heart to accept that some problems don’t go away so I do not think that but maybe you disagree.

      • You’re right–in general, I don’t find it useful for people I don’t know, people who don’t know my story or what I’ve tries or what’s worked for me, to tell me how i should fix myself. My life has a loy of problems, but I am not a broken thing in need of fixing. I blog to connect with people, to relate. Trying to fix each other is a human reaction, and it usually means we are uncomfortable acknowledging and sitting with the otger person’s distress. But fixing destroys the ability to connect with someone on equal footing. It puts one person in the position of “you have no idea what you’re doing” and the other person in the position of “I know exactly how you should fix that problem.” Given that kind of power differential, those people can’t connect as equals anymore.

      • That is not what I meant at all but I understood what you said. It’s just that “permanent” thing that makes my heart twist. Don’t think for a minute that my attitude was to say I know just what to do. It was, as you said, a reaction to feeling helpless. Having felt what you felt (in a different level and intensity) made me want to give the advice that was given to me (through a brilliant blog actually). I felt very bad today because I thought I might give someone a new sight of a thing I had and ended up offending her for intruding. And trust me I truly felt bad today.

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