So today I collapsed in the Walmart parking lot and proceeded to have a sobbing meltdown.  Apparently I’m one of THOSE Walmart people now.

I understand why it happened: I’m finally just getting over the sinus infection, I’m still dealing with the gut problems, and now I’ve got my period on top of that.  I could barely stand long enough to get from the bed to the bathroom, but this was the day C could take me grocery shopping.  I thought I could push through it.

Apparently I can’t.

I told her just to take me home, even though I hadn’t done any of my grocery shopping.  She offered to go into Whole Foods and buy my groceries for me, but I said no.  I just wanted to go home…but also I couldn’t come to terms with not being able to do such a basic thing for myself.  I mean, C’s not going to be around forever.  She’s not even supposed to be seeing me at all anymore, but we just mutually don’t mention that.

And next week I get to hear my gastroenterologist blow off my fatigue and weakness because my labs look fine.  I really like him for most stuff, but I feel like he just isn’t taking this seriously.  I mean, at my last appointment, I told him I have trouble standing up for more than 60 seconds, and he told me to reduce my dosage of iron.  I know I’m probably reading too much into it, but I keep thinking he thinks I’m just being histrionic because I have a psych history.  I really like him most of the time, but I don’t know how to make him understand how bad this is.

Maybe I just need to collapse in his office and start sobbing on the floor.  Too bad I can’t do that at will.

My RN friend is going with me to the appointment, though, so maybe she’ll be able to help get the point across.  Of course, then he’ll probably just send me to some other specialist, and that’ll take weeks to get an appointment, and then they’ll do tests, which will take more weeks, and meanwhile my level of functioning will continue to decrease.

Oh, and for added fun, it’s going to be yet another month before I can get my Nexplanon implant, too.  It has to be done during the first five days of your period.  I called today when my period started, but apparently their supplier screwed up.  They don’t have any implants, and the nurse couldn’t tell me when they’d be getting more.  And my NP wasn’t working today, so I have to wait for her to call me back tomorrow and find out what the hell we’re doing about that.  Or I may just beg her to do a hysterectomy if the pain doesn’t let up.

Could something, ANYTHING, please go right for me?



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6 responses to “Collapse

  1. Have you used Nexplanon before? My sister just had hers removed because it made her depression worse. She’s had noticeable improvement since it was removed. Nobody told her that the implant could worsen symptoms of depression; if she didn’t work for a pharmacy she wouldn’t have found out. This might be a dodged bullet.

    And if I had a doctor that didn’t believe my problems with my GI tract, I’d bring in a ziploc bag filled with poop if it was loose. If I had constipation, I’d try to time taking a laxative so I could burst in the office. Then again, I have no public shame either. I hope your doctor will be reasonable this time.

    As for Walmart, do you have a way to get groceries? I’m just concerned you’ll run out of supplies.

    • I haven’t used it before, but my NP is very aware of my situation and told me she’ll take it out immediately if need be. One of the primary reasons I’m getting it is to attempt to control my severe PMDD. I’ve done progesterone-only pills for a while now, but we decided on Nexplanon because there’s a significant chance it could stop my periods, which would alleviate some of the UC symptoms I get when my period starts.

      My gastroenterologist believes my poop problems. Those are pretty easy to prove. I mean, he’s stuck cameras up my ass and everything. It’s the extra-intestinal symptoms I feel like he’s blowing off. It’s not even that I think he doesn’t believe me–it’s more like he just doesn’t comprehend how completely it’s controlling my life. I feel like he hears “fatigue” and thinks, “Oh, sure, everyone gets a little more run down than usual sometimes.” I’m not sure where the disconnect is happening, so I’m hoping that my RN friend will be helpful this time around if it’s the same thing.

      I still have enough groceries to last a while. I’m not going to starve or anything.

  2. I am sorry this keeps happening to you. I felt so bad on your behalf that I actually I screamed F–King crap! out loud when I read your new post. Anyhow for what it’s worth, while I wouldn’t wish this for most people, I wish you a (very early) menopause! 8) It was a blessing to me at any rate…

    My best to you.


  3. The last time I saw my Gi I took a list with me where I had written very precisely what my expectations were for quality of life. I then asked him if I needed to adjust my expectations, and if not, then I was not leaving without a plan. Because yeah, I just could not take the pain and fatigue anymore and I felt like I was not accomplishing anything when I had appointments with him. I’ve actually just decided to have surgery again and remove the j-pouch and have a permanent ostomy. And I can’t wait!
    I don’t know if surgery is the best option for you, but if you don’t feel like you are getting a good plan of action from your GI, you either need a second opinion from another GI or a surgical consult. Just to see what options you have.
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you 🙂

    • Oh my god, that is brilliant! People always tell you to take a list of questions, but no one ever suggested an expectation list. I’m totally stealing that idea, and you get a whole page of gold stars in my book.

      If you don’t mind my asking, what sorts of things were on your list? (You can always tell me if I’m being too nosy.)

      • Don’t mind at all! I basically told him that when it came down to it, I wanted to feel like eventually I was going to be able to take care of a child or go back to work. I wanted to be able to go to the grocery store. I told him I spent probably 75% of my time and energy worrying about my j-pouch and I felt like that was too much. I was ok with having to use the bathroom a lot, but I felt like the lack of control, the fatigue, and the pain, were keeping me from living an even semi-normal life. I told him if these were not realistic expectations, I needed to know. And if they were, then we needed to work harder to get there. Really, it came down to those 2 things- work/family. It might be something different for you, or it might be that and more- but if your quality of life is not as good as it could be, then don’t leave his office without a plan to get there. And if he doesn’t have a plan and can’t explain why then it’s time for a new doctor. Keep me posted on how it goes and if I can help more. There’s a certain amount of adjustment we have to make when we have a chronic illness, but I am learning that sometimes we have to be more demanding with the doctors or they will just let us keep going the way we have been. When I put it all in these terms with my doc he completely agreed that I should be doing better and agreed we should make a plan. Yeah, it comes down to surgery for me and a permanent ostomy, but I totally expect to feel so much better after this- I have no reservations about it.

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