I just can’t live like this anymore. I keep trying and hoping, but I’m running on empty and things just keep getting worse. I don’t think I can hang on much longer. There’s no hope, no help, no relief.

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  1. It’s at times like these that words fail me when I wish to convey well-wishes the most. If I could offer to take any of this hopelessness from your shoulders, to mitigate its weight, I would do so. You are a person worth knowing. I’ve told others this: your presence is noted, and your absence will be felt. It is the most honest thing I can think of right now.

    If it holds any value to you, please take it.

    • Thanks. It does make me feel a little bit better to hear that but honestly I don’t know if it’s enough. I feel like there’s just too much for me to cope with. If it were just one or two things, I could manage that. But it’s EVERYTHING. Isolation, no access to public transit, chronic illness, not enough money to pay my bills, constant calls from bill collectors about medical bills I also can’t pay, homelessness constantly hanging over my head, pain all the time, fatigue so bad I can barely stand, no therapy, no support. I just can’t take it anymore. I appreciate all the support I get here, but it can’t solve the concrete, everyday problems that are making my life unsustainable.

  2. I wish I knew what to say. Sometimes there are no words.
    I know we don’t know each other particularly well but still I hold a genuine care for you and am so saddened by the pain you are feeling. You seem a bright, articulate, compassionate person and people like you are what we need more of in this world, not less.
    If there was any way that I could help you to feel just an ounce of relief or hope to continue I would gladly do it. I know it is hard but please don’t give up.
    Aimee x

    • I appreciate that. I’m trying not to give up but I honestly just don’t think I can hold on anymore. I took a bunch of Klonopin I had from like three years ago, so maybe it’ll just knock me out. I can’t deal with being conscious anymore.

      • I honestly do understand. Sometimes sleep is all we have. I hope a rest brings your mind some respite from thought and pain. Please be careful with how much medication you take!!
        Email me any time if I can do anything.. Borderlinefunctional@hotmail.com
        Aimee x

      • Sleep doesn’t even help, nohting helps and no one is goning to help me. t’s all pointless and stupid. Not worth saving anyway.

      • I simply don’t believe this is true of you. You DO matter and you deserve something more than this!
        At the end of the day, for so many of us suicide seems like the only option but it’s just not true, it is a lie the darkness tells us.
        There are so many other options to consider. They may not be perfect or complete, but they exist. Even if it seems an impossible task, I beg you to try another option.
        Suicide may seem like the way to remove the pain but it also removes all hope of anything more in life and it in turn will create new pain for those who do love you and want to see you thrive.
        Dare I say it but perhaps you should consider calling a crisis line or attending a hospital if you feel unable to cope or on the edge of something final.
        This isn’t always the best experience I know but just maybe something different could come from it in the end, even the distraction and delay might help you to feel something new. It’s worth a try.
        x

      • I’ve done the hospital thing too many times to count. All they’ll do is give me drugs that don’t work–at this point, I’ve been through most of the psych drugs in the PDR–and leave me to stare at the wall all day. There won’t be anything resembling actual treatment, and in a week or two they’ll dump me back out into the same shitty situation.

        Also, with Medicare, you’re only allowed 190 days of inpatient psych treatment for your entire life. I’ve used all but 3 or 4 weeks of that, and if I’m going to use them, I’m going to make sure it’s a specialized trauma program. But right now I feel like I need to save those days in case things get even worse down the line.

      • I understand your reasoning re) not wanting to approach hospital. Hospitalization is not something I normally or easily suggest, particularly as I myself have had poor experiences in this area as I know most people with mental health concerns have. I guess out of concern I simply was unsure what else to suggest and I was hoping just maybe you might find a glimmer of hope in your local services this time around.
        I am certainly glad to receive a reply from you, I have been worried about you and thinking of you often since your last comment.
        It doesn’t sound like you’re feeling too much better and I’m sorry if that’s the case. I wish I could help in some way.
        Aimee x

  3. Hope, I realize there is really nothing I can say that will make you feel better…but I’m going to say things anyway, maybe just my own selfish way, hoping you will be able to hear me.

    You are valued. By me, by your other friends from the web, by the friends you mentioned in the last post, by your sisters. We might not always say the right thing, we may have no clue where you are coming from (although some of us do), but we do care, very deeply. If you are gone, many people would be simply devastated. Even people that barely know you would feel the loss.

    You are a kind, giving person, and it is extremely unfortunate that you do not have access to the resources that would make life more live-able. It must get irritating to hear the same suggestions over and over, knowing they won’t work out. I only wonder out loud if one of your sisters can help you more, get you set up in an area that has better resources.

    Ok, I’ll shut up now. Sorry for hijacking your comments section…just thought it needed to be said. 🙂

    • I know people care and it would hurt them if I died. And maybe that makes me a monthser but it’s just not enough anymore. I’ve lost friends to suicide more than once. It hurts but you get on with your life. I don’t hate them and they didn’t ruin my life by killing themselves. Actually I’m glad they’re not hurting anymore. Nobody should have to keep hurting forever just to reduce the pain that other poeople feel.

      No one can help. My sisters can’t help. The people who could help don’t give a fuck because I’m useless and lazy and don’t contribute to society so lets just get rid of this one useless person. Probably it’ll make the world a better lace anyway.

  4. I’m so sad for you. I care about you so much my friend. I’m carrying you with me today with love and understanding. Xoxox

  5. I’m around if you need to e-mail. I think you’re worth it.

    • Ot won’t help. Not becase you’re not a good friend but because what I need is more than you can get through email. Sorry.

      • jesuswithoutbaggage

        What is it that you DO need? What are the most pressing problems you need addressed?

      • First on my list is financial security. I have no need for a lot of money–I just want enough for my small apartment, a car, and bills. It’s hard to focus on anything else when homelessness is constantly hanging over your head like something out of Edgar Allan Poe.

        After that, intensive therapy with a therapist who has experience with DID, or at least severe trauma.

        After that, a community where I feel held. Don’t get me wrong, the internet is great, but it’s not always enough to get you through the really bad days.

        That covers the things that I think could be possible, if not necessarily likely. If we’re going for pie-in-the-sky miracles, I’d love to have a cure for my physical illness. Being sick has shrunk my world down to almost nothing beyond my little apartment.

      • jesuswithoutbaggage

        In reading more of your posts, it seems you have already explored, and even used, the typical resources I would know of. I cannot determine where you live, but if you are 1000 miles from Alabama, you are well beyond where I have strong contacts.

        Can you share what Metro city you are near, in case I know someone near there?

      • There’s not really a city near me–I’m in western Massachusetts. Springfield and Holyoke are the nearest larger towns, and I’m about an hour and a half from Worcester.

      • jesuswithoutbaggage

        Somebody, as a southern boy I don’t know a single person in all of New England. It is frustrating, but I know it is not as frustrating as what you experience all the time.

  6. My heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes for many years with this sense of overwhelming hopelessness and darkness. All I can say is that it does get better. Today I have found great hope and purpose which I never thought would ever happen in my life. It is possible to get through the darkness and to thrive even while living with PTSD. You are in my thoughts. If I can be of any support please let me know.

    • If it were just PTSD and depression, I could cope with that. But it’s PTSD and depression on top of isolation, lack of real-life help/support, chronic illness, unrelenting pain, disability, mobility impairment, inability to access public transit, and poverty that makes it impossible to have any qualityof life. There’s no dignity left anymore and certainly no hope. There’s no point in continuing to try. I don’t pretend that me dying won’t hurt people, but they’ll move on. I’ve lost poeple to suicide before and yu move on eventually. It’s just the way it is. I can’t keep living like this just because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I mean, nobody’s changing how they live to keep me from huting so what’s the point anymore.

  7. I’m sorry to hear about everything you’re going through, It seriously sucks, and there’s no good reason for a person to be pushed into these circumstances. (And to me, given the things you’re talking about, it very much feels you’re pushed into it by the apathy of people in power. Which in and of itself is also painful.)

    (Feel free to ignore this section entirely.)
    …If you’d like I can try to put out feelers to see what resources might be available in your area to help with at least some of this. I figure you’ve already done this, but an extra set of eyes can’t hurt, and you’ve got enough on your plate as is. You really shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.

    • jesuswithoutbaggage

      I hope you will let Symphony do this. It might be significantly helpful.

    • Yes, I think the biggest issue for me is that the people in power (the people who could ease my pain) don’t care. I suppose it’s an emotional flashback to when I was a child being abused, desperately wanting someone to notice it and step in and stop it, but no one ever did. The Big Bad is something different for me now than what it was then, but there’s the same feeling of helplessness, like I don’t even matter enough to notice, let alone to help.

      I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted all the resources in my area. I live in western Mass, and there just isn’t much here. I wish I could afford to move somewhere with better resources, like Boston, but…if wishes were horses, yanno?

  8. jesuswithoutbaggage

    I cannot accept that the world would be a better place without you. You are of value.

    It sounds like you feel hopeless. I don’t know your entire situation, but what you describe does sound quite discouraging. Whatever you do, please don’t stop talking to us. I only became aware of you today, but you are already important to me.

  9. I am so sorry. I really am. I wish I knew what to say that could make the tiniest bit of difference for the better.

  10. I know it is so hard to hold on. But, you really do matter. People love you. They care about you. We want you to get better and survive. XX

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