Today I was supposed to have an appointment with the new case manager. She never showed up. I thought she was better than the old one, but apparently not.
I’d worked myself up to asking for more help. I was going to tell her that I’m not sleeping and I’m severely depressed. I was going to ask for therapy. But then she didn’t bother to show up or call or anything, so fuck it. I’m done trying. I’m done looking for help. I’m done trying to squeeze water from stones.
I’ll just stop even trying to get better. I’ve tried and tried and tried, but I cannot do it without decent support. So fuck it all. I’ll just stay in my apartment, sleep all day, and binge and purge all night. Clearly the people who could help don’t believe I’m worth saving, so why should I keep trying so hard? I’m not important. Eventually I’ll die–my heart will stop because of electrolyte imbalances, I’ll have a GI bleed, or my intestine will perforate. A few people will be sad for a while, but overall the world won’t be any worse off when I’m dead. I’m not contributing anything to society, so my absence won’t leave any big holes. Just one less welfare queen. Just one less pathetic loser who can’t function. No big loss. All I do is take money and resources that someone better than me could put to better use, someone who might actually do something useful with their life. Spend that money on someone who matters, someone who can actually be saved.
Because I won’t be saved. I could be, but apparently I don’t matter enough. So for fuck’s sake, at least save someone.