Somebody posted a comment on my blog the other days, asking me to donate to his Indiegogo campaign to help him manage his mental illness. He needs, among other things, a car, and he wants me to give him money, or at least repost his pleas for funding.
It makes me incredibly angry. It’s been two days, but I can’t let it go. Maybe getting it out of my system will help.
It would be different if this were coming from someone I knew–or someone I had ever interacted with at all. But this is just some random person who’s never commented on my blog before; he doesn’t even appear to have a blog, just his personal Facebook page. If it were someone I knew, I might be willing to repost, but this is some complete stranger who appears to have found me through Blog for Mental Health. (Those of you who are also involved with that project, be on the lookout; I imagine he’s targeting more than just me.)
I think what bothers me the most is that if he’d read even a handful of my posts, he would’ve realized I’m in exactly the same goddamn situation. In fact, mine may be worse–he gets more for disability than I do, and he appears to have subsidized housing, which I don’t. I don’t have a car either. I can’t rely on public transit either. I can’t get to my doctors’ offices or the pharmacy or even the fucking grocery store. He also has a therapist, which I don’t.
Normally, I have a lot of empathy for other people who are struggling with poverty and mental illness. It’s a deadly combination, and god knows I understand how hard it is to survive every day when there’s no relief in sight and no one in power gives half a damn. But I lose all compassion when someone comes into my space, making no effort whatsoever to get to know me or my situation, and wants me to help him fix his situation.
Once again, I’m made invisible. My needs don’t matter because no one even bothers to see them. I have fucking two dollars in my wallet and a negative balance in my bank account. And it’s going to be the same next month. The overdraft will empty out the few dollars I have left over after paying my $400 rent. I need $150 for pellets for the pellet stove, and I need another $120 for the oil company. My home internet got cut off because I couldn’t pay the bill, so I’ve been using the hotspot on my phone, but that’s probably going to cause a data overage charge even though I’m severely limiting my internet usage. Oh, and at some point I should probably pay the overdue power bill, too, but I get $700 a month, so you do the math on that.
Every month, suicide looks like the only reasonable way to deal with all of this.
But please, keep asking you to give you money. You definitely deserve it more than me.