Yeah, I’m an asshole

Somebody posted a comment on my blog the other days, asking me to donate to his Indiegogo campaign to help him manage his mental illness.  He needs, among other things, a car, and he wants me  to give him money, or at least repost his pleas for funding.

It makes me incredibly angry.  It’s been two days, but I can’t let it go.  Maybe getting it out of my system will help.

It would be different if this were coming from someone I knew–or someone I had ever interacted with at all.  But this is just some random person who’s never commented on my blog before; he doesn’t even appear to have a blog, just his personal Facebook page.  If it were someone I knew, I might be willing to repost, but this is some complete stranger who appears to have found me through Blog for Mental Health.  (Those of you who are also involved with that project, be on the lookout; I imagine he’s targeting more than just me.)

I think what bothers me the most is that if he’d read even a handful of my posts, he would’ve realized I’m in exactly the same goddamn situation.  In fact, mine may be worse–he gets more for disability than I do, and he appears to have subsidized housing, which I don’t.  I don’t have a car either.  I can’t rely on public transit either.  I can’t get to my doctors’ offices or the pharmacy or even the fucking grocery store.  He also has a therapist, which I don’t.

Normally, I have a lot of empathy for other people who are struggling with poverty and mental illness.  It’s a deadly combination, and god knows I understand how hard it is to survive every day when there’s no relief in sight and no one in power gives half a damn.  But I lose all compassion when someone comes into my space, making no effort whatsoever to get to know me or my situation, and wants me to help him fix his situation.

Once again, I’m made invisible.  My needs don’t matter because no one even bothers to see them.  I have fucking two dollars in my wallet and a negative balance in my bank account.  And it’s going to be the same next month.  The overdraft will empty out the few dollars I have left over after paying my $400 rent.  I need $150 for pellets for the pellet stove, and I need another $120 for the oil company.  My home internet got cut off because I couldn’t pay the bill, so I’ve been using the hotspot on my phone, but that’s probably going to cause a data overage charge even though I’m severely limiting my internet usage.  Oh, and at some point I should probably pay the overdue power bill, too, but I get $700 a month, so you do the math on that.

Every month, suicide looks like the only reasonable way to deal with all of this.

But please, keep asking you to give you money.  You definitely deserve it more than me.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Yeah, I’m an asshole

  1. common, that’s not right. He shouldn’t be asking you, a fellow sufferer for money. that’s just fucking wrong! If he asks me, he’ll get an earful. I hate people who just target you for things like money or to repost a thing on your website. Wrong!

  2. You have every right to be angry at this guy. He may be desperate and the real deal, but he may also be a liar. Unfortunately, people like us make great targets because of our empathy for others dealing with shit we have gone through. I hope he gets whatever he needs, but you’re right- he has no right to come into your space as a stranger and make you feel guilty. Don’t let me him make you feel invisible.
    When I was a massage therapist, I sometimes got people who would complain about the price. And I know, it can be expensive when funds are tight. And I would usually give in, find a way to give a price break because I wanted them to be able to get the work and I felt guilty. Next thing I know, the person is driving a new car or going on a great vacation and I was barely scratching by to pay my bills and working hard to do it. I have never been on a real vacation in my life. Even our honeymoon was close to home and my parents basically paid for it. It pissed me off so bad (not the honeymoon, the clients who took advantage)…
    I didn’t mean to make this about me- but just, yeah, you have every right to feel the way you feel right now. But it’s not your job to take care of this guy, when you are trying to meet your own needs. Pray for him, or whatever feels appropriate. We’re sort of taught to be charitable and God will provide, but giving away what you need to survive is not charitable. You take care of yourself first, then do what you can for others. Hope I’m not ranting too much, I just, I’m pissed off FOR you, haha, and now I can’t shutup 🙂

  3. And you are NOT an asshole 🙂

  4. You’re not an asshole for feeling this way! I’d be pissed too if it happened to me.

  5. Can you block him?

    And please talk to someone if the suicidal stuff gets too strong. It REALLY, REALLY hurts when people find out that someone bailed out on life. I’ve known too many… and some I don’t know, but heard about. But to know that the pain is that bad is very sad… you’re worth the time to figure out a way through what is going on. I know disability is hard, and figuring out where the $859 for rent and $700 in medical (Medicare) premiums, out of pocket meds, and copays, and some sort of living expenses is going to come from is discouraging. My ‘former life’ is over – and that’s hard.

    But hang in there. ❤

    • AFAIK, WordPress doesn’t have a way to block particular people from commenting, short of either shutting down all comments or making my blog private. I do have it set so people’s first few comments have to be approved. So I was able to delete his comment before it got posted publicly…but I still had to see it, and there was no way to respond to it without approving it, so I couldn’t tell him how disrespectful it was. But I am fortunate that I don’t really get hateful comments here. Occasionally I get people who want to tell me how I should fix my life, usually involving some outlandish “cure,” but that’s about the worst of it. I like that WordPress–at least my little corner–doesn’t seem to attract the hate and bullying that happens on a lot of the internet.

      There’s really no one I can talk to about the suicidal impulses. Or, rather, there’s no one who can help me. All they’d do is send cops to drag me off to the hospital. I’d spend a week or two there, refuse the meds because they just make me worse, and I doubt that my pathetic local psych unit could adequately deal with my chronic illness or my dietary restrictions. Then after a week or two, I’d be back out in the same hopeless situation I’m already in, only with more medical bills I can’t pay. So there’s really no point telling people I’m suicidal. They won’t give me any help that actually helps.

      What I need to survive my life is simple: enough money to function. I need enough for housing, food, and utilities. Because I’m disabled and live in an area with poor public transit, I need a car and enough money for gas, maintenance, insurance, etc. That way I could get to doctor’s appointments, the pharmacy, the grocery store. It would also make therapy accessible for me again. Money won’t cure my UC, depression, PTSD, or DID, but it would let me manage them enough that I wouldn’t feel like I need to die. But there is literally no way for me to get enough money to meet my basic needs, so eventually, I will kill myself. I’m fighting it as hard as I can, but I can’t keep it up forever. It’s unsustainable.

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