Right now I resent all the people out there who have support–friends, family, partners, therapists, whatever.  I know it makes me a terrible person; resenting what someone else has isn’t going to bring it into my life.  But they have people who love and care about them, who talk to them and touch them, who would notice if they were sick or sad or gone.  And I don’t, and it’s not fair.

What’s so bad about me that I don’t deserve those people?  And yes, I know that’s a logical fallacy; I know it’s not actually about deserving or not deserving.  But that just means the universe is cold and empty and doesn’t care that I can’t get my needs met.  So either way it’s ugly: either I’m too bad to deserve care or the universe doesn’t care if I exist.

I want somebody to hug me and hold me and talk to me and take care of me.  The world is too big and scary for me to deal with, but nobody notices I don’t leave my apartment or my room or my bed.  No one cares that the world is too much for me.

Since there’s no one to love me, I might as well die.  And that makes me a bad person too.

But I haven’t succeeded in killing myself yet.  Probably because I don’t really want to die–I want someone to notice and care that I hurt so much I want to die.  Because I want someone to take care of me…but eventually, I probably will kill myself because no one is going to love me.

In the meantime I’ve been purging again because words aren’t enough for how fucked up I am.

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19 responses to “

  1. ((hugs)) Happy to listen anytime, if you want to email me…

    • Thanks. I don’t think I really have that much to say…or, more accurately, I think I’m sick of hearing myself. But I really appreciate the support, and I’m around if you need someone to talk to. My inbox is always open. 🙂

  2. I’m so sorry you are in this dark place. I am here if you ever want to contact me. I would love to get to know you more!!!

  3. Dear dear Hope,

    Words can’t express how much I feel where you are at, and how much I wish I could reassure you, indeed ASSURE you that this won’t last, this feeling of being utterly unloved will pass and be a thing of the past. I know you don’t feel young, even though you are, compared to me, but how could you feel young after all you have been through? Neverthelesss, I promise you “This too will pass…” it really will, and if you keep yourself alive, as you really want to (” I don’t really want to die–I want someone to notice and care that I hurt so much I want to die.”) you will find someone in your life who loves you as much as you want them to.

    Why do I know this? Because YOU ARE LOVABLE, and that is all there is to it. If you were just a complaining so and so I wouldn’t bother to read your blog and keep coming back to it. People are attracted to you, you know. You simply have to know that waiting, yes, even waiting out the feelings of wanting to die, are worth it. You will get past this, you can. I know you can. The present becomes the past very very quickly and things can change in an eyeblink, someone you thought wasn’t there for you, or didn’t care about you can turn up at your doorstep bearing flowers! It does happen and something will happen that will change all this.

    You just have to hang on and, well, I dunno, just hang on, because we are out here cheering for you and we do care about you…and NO, you do not deserve to feel unloved, or you do not deserve to feel like no one wants to touch you or hold you. Just remember, things change, in fact EVERYTHING changes, in time, and more quickly than you may wish eventually. But if the good becomes bad, I assure you the bad also turns good, because that is just how it is.

    Hang on, dear Hope.

    Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote some incredible poems about despair but one of my favorites begins, “Not I’ll not, Carrion Comfort, Despair, NOT feast on thee…OR most weary cry, “I can no more.” I can, can something, hope, wish day come, NOT CHOOSE NOT TO BE…” Sometimes that IS all you can do, NOT choose not to be…

    Do not give up the fight. Sometimes all you need to crown the day, as Shakespeare said, is ONE deed, one accomplishment, and if yours is simple survival then give yourself the credit you need to accept it and keep on keeping on. It’s the best ANY of us can do at times, Hope, and it hurts and it is hard, but things will change, and this pain will pass…

    You won’t feel this way forever. Just look back at your blog entries, and see how things can change in a flash or a day..Yes, there is the underlying pain, but even you are able to cheer up for a while when a candidate worth mentioning wins, or something happens that fills you with hope for the moment. Hope, the future feels like forever, but in fact the moment — this moment in the present — is all we have, after all, ALL we have.

    Sorry to go on and on, I know you hate that,..

    Love to you, for whatever it is worth

    Pam W.

    • Thank you, Pam. You’re so kind and supportive. That means a lot to me.

      I know people are attracted to me and, honestly, I’ve never understood that. I wish I could see myself the way they do, but all I can see most of the time is worthlessness and performances that fall apart eventually. There are some things I’m good at, but in my mind, that doesn’t outweigh all the things I fuck up.

      I’m doing my best to hang on. One of my dominant character traits, for better or worse, is stubbornness. In this case, the struggle to keep myself alive, it’s pretty effective. Even though everything seems pointless and meaningless, I know there have been good days, good moments. And I know there are people to whom I matter. I have my sisters’ names tattooed on my body now, along with my own. How could I kill that? I love them more than anything.

      As far as poetry…I think you might like some of Louise Gluck’s work–I recommend in particular two of her collections, Vita Nova and The Wild Iris. I believe The Wild Iris is the one she won the Pulitzer for, but Vita Nova is my favorite. I’m convinced from her writing that she has a substantial trauma history, but a lot of her writing is about hope in what seems like hopelessness and finding your voice to save yourself.

      Also, this bit from Tennyson keeps playing in my mind:
      Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
      We are not now that strength which in old days
      Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
      One equal temper of heroic hearts,
      Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
      To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
      –from “Ulysses”

      I don’t hate when people go on and on. I actually like it, really. I tend to be pretty wordy myself. 🙂

  4. I don’t know you except for your writing, but I do know that your insights and your words have been helping me immensely.

    I value you and want only good things for you. A big virtual (((hug))) from me…

  5. You have articulated the thoughts and feelings I currently have, sadly. I amy offer much but I understand a little. Keep going. Keep trying.

  6. I have a therapist, but, I don’t have people to hug me or hold me. I spend a lot of time alone. My art and writing and music hug and hold me. I self soothe. I take baths. I cry when I wish I just had someone to hold me and tell me they are there for me. It hurts. I understand your resentment. I understand the feelings of resentment. I wish at times that I had someone in my life who would just notice when I’m hurting and surprise me by doing something nice.

    BUT! I’m not one to let myself drown in despair because if I do, my abusers are winning, and fuck them. They don’t get to own these parts of me. So I start remembering what I am grateful for:

    This blog to express
    This blog to connect
    The online support system I’ve been able to find
    People like you who GET it!

    So in essence we do have a bit of a support system. I support you. ❤

    • Thanks, Vennie.

      I don’t think it’s so much that I’m drowning in despair–it’s more like I’m treading water so I’m exhausted all the time, and every once in a while a big wave hits me and I choke and gasp for a while.

      Right now it’s the resentment I can’t get past. Why do some people get support when I don’t? They don’t deserve it any more than I do–which is not to say that they don’t deserve it. I just get so overwhelmed with the unfairness of it, and I can’t let that go. I suspect that’s coming from a child part (or parts) because it’s a very kid-like point of view…but even knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to tolerate right now.

  7. I’m sorry hon. It seems like a trivial thing to say but I honestly mean it. It must be so difficult to have no support. I send you hugs and I will listen if you ever need a friend. X

  8. Hope,

    I wish you had therapists and friends and a priest and a partner like I do to support you in your life. I don’t know where I would be without those people in my life. Probably not here. I wish I could wave a magic wand and send some of those people to you.

    I hope some light shines for you someday soon. Have you ever heard of Tonglen breathing? I will do some for you.

  9. I too have been where you all, totally alone with no support.

    Thankfully, I now have support – in a single person, plus all my (invisible, undependable) blogging support.

    Now that I look back on those totally-alone days, I realize that it made me get really tough and strong in ways I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been forced. So, the Universe may be something other than what it seems. Tough love universe?

  10. I have news for you. Depression and suicidal thoughts won’t be done away with by someone who loves you. Lack of love isn’t the issue.

    • Well, I’m so glad a random stranger on the internet knows all about my issues and what will fix them.

      In my case, most of the depression is post-traumatic. As a child, I was never consistently taken care of. Love was conditional and might be revoked for the most minor of offenses. What love and care I did get was combined with horrific abuse. I never got to have healthy, loving, safe attachments to any adults in my life, so I grew up with an attachment disorder.

      One of the primary treatments for attachment disorders involves forming safe, nurturing attachments. Basically, you replace what your parents didn’t give me.

      So don’t tell me that love won’t help. It won’t fix everything, but it would go a hell of a long way toward fixing a lot of the problems I’m dealing with.

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