nihil

Last night I kept dreaming of being in institutions–boarding schools and psych units.  For once, the psych unit dreams weren’t bad.  It was being somewhere that people noticed I existed every day, not just once a week or when they needed something done.

In my real life, I go days without talking to anyone.  I rarely leave my bedroom, let alone my apartment.  If I disappeared, who would even notice?  It would take weeks for anyone to realize I wasn’t here anymore.  Probably not until rent or bills came due and didn’t get paid.  Then add a few days before they’d decide it wasn’t just that I was depressed and ignoring my phone.

It’s like I’m barely here.  Right now, I’m not even sure I really do exist.

So I sleep, and I dream, and in my dreams, I am real, I exist, there is a space for me where I am held.  And then I wake up and there is nothing, I am nothing.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “nihil

  1. your not invisible. your here. even if it is just online. we hear you. not everyone knows how alone we feel in this world. but the ones who understand would know you were missing..

  2. Bourbon

    I can’t just say nothing, but what is there to say… you aren’t nothing? That is just invalidating how you feel and probably going to make you feel even more invisible and unheard. I’m listening x

  3. Thinking of you, sending good thoughts your way.. ((hugs))

  4. You certainly are something! You inspire others to keep fighting! Sending love! ❤

  5. Dear Somebody,

    You may have an avatar called “nobody,” but you are NOT nobody…and a lot of us care about you. You aren’t invisible to us or to anyone else in the world despite how you feel. I am so sorry you feel as badly as you do. Hang in there.
    Yours,

    P

  6. I’m kinda lost for words. Just here holding your hand, and listening, hoping things will ease for you soon. And just to say it is ok to feel the feelings, don’t ever feel bad for telling us your true feelings. XX

  7. I have been suicidal my whole life, thinking that if it was good enough for my dad (and Junior Seau, and Robin Williams, and…. and…. and…) then it should be good enough for me. So far I have been lucky because when I get like that, I put on some music. Basically, I now sleep six hours a day and listen to music for the other 18 hours.

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