I have a roommate, finally. That’s [mostly] settled, so that’s a relief. I don’t have to freak out about how I’m going to pay the full rent next month, or about being homeless.
And I have plans for Thanksgiving week. I’m taking a trip to New Jersey to stay with a good friend and her family. That should be pretty awesome.
And both my candidates won their primaries, so now we’re working on a Democratic coordinated campaign. I’ve never worked a coordinated campaign before, so it should be interesting. I imagine our campaign will be at the forefront, since she’s the gubernatorial candidate, although our Democratic Senate candidate, who was uncontested in the primaries, has been running what he calls a coordinated campaign for months now. I’m not entirely clear on how it’s a coordinated campaign before you had other candidates to coordinate with, but whatevs. So maybe they’ll be in charge. I’m a little unclear about how the power structure works now, but I guess I’ll find out.
I should feel happy about all these things, and somewhere I do. But mostly I just feel exhausted and listless and uninterested.
I’m still sick–this damn cold will not go away. The antibiotics improved things a little, but I’m still coughing and waking up because I can’t breathe at night, and this damn sinus headache won’t go away. I should probably schedule an appointment with my primary care doc, but just the thought of getting there is exhausting. Two buses, and no benches, and at least a half-mile walk.
I’m also just sick of doctors. I feel like they’re not helping me. Even my wonderful gastroenterologist doesn’t seem to think the fatigue is a serious problem. I haven’t even scheduled another appointment with him, not since before I went on my trip. UC-wise, things are stable. Not great, but manageable, which is apparently as good as it gets for me. Knowing how much his office staff messes up scheduling, I should probably at least make an appointment–it wouldn’t be for three months anyway. But I just don’t want to, and I’m not sure why.
I didn’t go back to the OB-GYN, either. I was supposed to call when my period started so I could get the Nexplanon implant, but it was during Get Out the Vote, and I was sick, and I didn’t have a way to get there. At least that’s why I tell myself I didn’t call for an appointment, but I don’t think that’s really why. I’m not really sure what it’s about, this avoidance of doctors thing. I’m scared something else is wrong with me. I’m scared of finding out for sure, but I’m also scared I won’t be taken seriously. After all, I’m just crazy. It’s probably just somatic, or I’m attention-seeking, or something.
Or maybe it’s passive self-destruction. I’m not cutting or starving or purging anymore, so I do something much more subtle. I don’t know. I just know that right now everything hurts, physically and emotionally, and I’m tired of taking care of myself. I feel like I don’t have the energy to do it anymore.