Hitting a Wall

This is what happens when I try to go full speed ahead: a surprise wall pops up, and I run into it full speed ahead.

I’m exhausted, mentally and physically.  My body hurts.  I want to cry.  I want to sleep, to crawl under the covers and not come out.  Oh, and for added fun, I’m sick.  Again.  Three days after I got over the last bug.  Everybody on this goddamn campaign is sick, so naturally I get it twice.

But I have a full day of campaign work today, and an even fuller day tomorrow because that’s the primary.  And there’s a post-voting party in Boston, which I’ll go to if there’s anyone coming back to my area that night to drop me off at home.

Then, because I’m a huge idiot, I have a bunch of crap going on Wednesday, too.  I’m showing the apartment to someone at 7:30 a.m. (whyyyyy did I agree to that?), seeing my new case manager at 10:00, meeting an old friend from high school at 12:30, and showing the apartment again at 4:30 and 6:00.

But all I can think about at this point is, “I can kill myself Wednesday night.  I can kill myself Wednesday night.”  Over and over and over.

Probably most of this is just from being overwhelmed and sleep-deprived.  Some of it’s probably hormones.  But I’m having a really hard time keeping the suicidal impulses at bay.  Even though I know the way I’m feeling is probably temporary, I just want all of it to be over.  The crappy feelings are temporary, but they always come back, and they’re here more than they’re gone.  I’m so tired of dragging myself through my life, just barely getting through.  I’m existentially exhausted, and I don’t want to do it anymore.  I think it’s unfair that people keep expecting me to.  Haven’t I done enough?  Haven’t I suffered enough?  Can’t I please just rest now?

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Hitting a Wall

  1. Sorry that you are sick while dealing with the primary push and apartment showings. But you have 3 potential roommates — wow, fingers crossed one of them works out. That would help on the financial front at least. And a new case manager— again crossing my fingers that it is someone you will find acceptable who has some good ideas.

  2. mandy

    Finding new roommates is what you’ve needed to lighten your load. It’s stressful, the showings, but fingers crossed you’ll find the perfect people!

  3. The potential roommates, the new CM…hopefully it’s starting to come together for you!

  4. I agree with you when people ask why I’m suicidal so much the response is typically something to the effect of the bad outweighs the good and I can’t handle it anymore. It sounds like you feel the same. I hope by the time wed rolls around the suicidal thoughts are less severe. Who know maybe your new cm will be great or you’ll get a roommate. I’m told miracles happen. Whatever happens wed I hope you end up sticking around. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you better and hope to continue to. Wishing you peace or at least a break in the pain.

  5. Oh fingers crossed! I’ll talk to my angels. I believe in them and I’ll ask them to find you a room mate and lets hope your cm is a good fit. I know the struggle is hard, but you’ll be ok. You can do this! Your not alone when you have all of us! XXX

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