This is what happens when I try to go full speed ahead: a surprise wall pops up, and I run into it full speed ahead.
I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. My body hurts. I want to cry. I want to sleep, to crawl under the covers and not come out. Oh, and for added fun, I’m sick. Again. Three days after I got over the last bug. Everybody on this goddamn campaign is sick, so naturally I get it twice.
But I have a full day of campaign work today, and an even fuller day tomorrow because that’s the primary. And there’s a post-voting party in Boston, which I’ll go to if there’s anyone coming back to my area that night to drop me off at home.
Then, because I’m a huge idiot, I have a bunch of crap going on Wednesday, too. I’m showing the apartment to someone at 7:30 a.m. (whyyyyy did I agree to that?), seeing my new case manager at 10:00, meeting an old friend from high school at 12:30, and showing the apartment again at 4:30 and 6:00.
But all I can think about at this point is, “I can kill myself Wednesday night. I can kill myself Wednesday night.” Over and over and over.
Probably most of this is just from being overwhelmed and sleep-deprived. Some of it’s probably hormones. But I’m having a really hard time keeping the suicidal impulses at bay. Even though I know the way I’m feeling is probably temporary, I just want all of it to be over. The crappy feelings are temporary, but they always come back, and they’re here more than they’re gone. I’m so tired of dragging myself through my life, just barely getting through. I’m existentially exhausted, and I don’t want to do it anymore. I think it’s unfair that people keep expecting me to. Haven’t I done enough? Haven’t I suffered enough? Can’t I please just rest now?