There’s always a boom tomorrow.

I was doing pretty well for two days after my friend’s wedding, but now the depression and apathy are back.  I haven’t done anything about my housing situation.  I think some part of me just wants to destroy the life I’m just barely holding together.  I think subconsciously I’m frustrated that no one sees how hard it is or that I’m NOT okay or doing well, so I want to make the outward appearance of my life match my internal state of chaos and hopelessness.  Then I will know for sure if anyone thinks I’m worth saving, and if they don’t, maybe I won’t feel obligated to stay alive anymore.

I know that’s profoundly screwed up.  I know how terrible it makes me sound, and maybe I really am that terrible.  I just can’t keep going like this with no help or support.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “There’s always a boom tomorrow.

  1. I dont think that your a bad or awful person at all. I think your in a difficult, very difficult situation and thats adding to your depression. I really hope someone in your life can see how difficult things have become for you. XX

    • Thank you–it does help to hear other people say they don’t think I’m a bad person.

      There just really isn’t anyone in my life to see how bad things are for me. I don’t have anyone.

  2. This one made my heart ache for you. 😦 xox. Hugging you.

  3. I totaLLY get it and maybe this has been why I’ve been in a destroy everything good in my like mood too…? you’re no terrible I think things like this (and far worse) all the time. Plus you helped me get through a rough weekend. Hope things are better now.

    • Thanks, my friend. It helps to know I’m not just some crazy, terrible person. Everything’s just so hard that I don’t want to do any of it. Hell, at this point I feel like I CAN’T do any of it. I mean, I’ve been up for two and a half hours, and I think I’m going to have to take a nap.

  4. You have a contribution to make to the world, because each of us is a valuable link for the whole. I encourage you that situations, no matter how bleak, do change. It’s ok to be who you are, it’s ok to express that. It’s ok to ask for help if you want. It’s ok if you can’t do everything all at once. It’s ok to take naps, or take your time. It’s ok to seek pleasure in something different that inspires passion.

    Your voice is heard, and you have a right to your sacred pain.
    You are not alone.

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