I was doing pretty well for two days after my friend’s wedding, but now the depression and apathy are back. I haven’t done anything about my housing situation. I think some part of me just wants to destroy the life I’m just barely holding together. I think subconsciously I’m frustrated that no one sees how hard it is or that I’m NOT okay or doing well, so I want to make the outward appearance of my life match my internal state of chaos and hopelessness. Then I will know for sure if anyone thinks I’m worth saving, and if they don’t, maybe I won’t feel obligated to stay alive anymore.
I know that’s profoundly screwed up. I know how terrible it makes me sound, and maybe I really am that terrible. I just can’t keep going like this with no help or support.