Well, I have a roommate for two weeks, so I guess that’s something. Two weeks to find somebody else. Or she might stay long-term. Everything is still up in the air and unclear, and that makes me so anxious it feels unbearable.
And I’m sick. I’m hoping it’s just a bad cold, but I just started feeling bad last night, and it’s already moved into my chest. I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept waking up coughing and wheezing. And OF COURSE it would happen on a Friday night, when I can’t get in to see my GP until next week. We’re doing a Get Out the Vote (GOTV) dry run today, and tomorrow I’m going to be at a wedding all day. Then next week is GOTV insanity, and I’m a staging location director. I really do not have time to be sick right now. I should probably try to get in to see my GP on Monday, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to get there. It’s just that with my history of asthma, respiratory infections get really bad for me. I’ve ended up in the ER having breathing treatments more than once.
I just…I don’t even know why I’m still alive. This is my life now: constantly sick, constantly stressed to the max because there’s never enough money to cover even the basics, always one minor disaster away from being homeless. People did not evolve to live with constant stress like this. We evolved to deal with stress in short bursts–to escape from the saber-tooth tiger trying to maul us in the dark, and then to return to the safety of our village and the warmth of our fire. We did not evolve to be mauled by the tiger and to have no village and no fire to return and no sense of underlying safety when the tigers aren’t around.
I just don’t know how to do this. There’s just never enough to survive, but people keep telling me I’m obligated to survive. What no one tells me is how.