that black forest

Well, I have a roommate for two weeks, so I guess that’s something.  Two weeks to find somebody else.  Or she might stay long-term.  Everything is still up in the air and unclear, and that makes me so anxious it feels unbearable.

And I’m sick.  I’m hoping it’s just a bad cold, but I just started feeling bad last night, and it’s already moved into my chest.  I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept waking up coughing and wheezing.  And OF COURSE it would happen on a Friday night, when I can’t get in to see my GP until next week.  We’re doing a Get Out the Vote (GOTV) dry run today, and tomorrow I’m going to be at a wedding all day.  Then next week is GOTV insanity, and I’m a staging location director.  I really do not have time to be sick right now.  I should probably try to get in to see my GP on Monday, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to get there.  It’s just that with my history of asthma, respiratory infections get really bad for me.  I’ve ended up in the ER having breathing treatments more than once.

I just…I don’t even know why I’m still alive.  This is my life now: constantly sick, constantly stressed to the max because there’s never enough money to cover even the basics, always one minor disaster away from being homeless.  People did not evolve to live with constant stress like this.  We evolved to deal with stress in short bursts–to escape from the saber-tooth tiger trying to maul us in the dark, and then to return to the safety of our village and the warmth of our fire.  We did not evolve to be mauled by the tiger and to have no village and no fire to return and no sense of underlying safety when the tigers aren’t around.

I just don’t know how to do this.  There’s just never enough to survive, but people keep telling me I’m obligated to survive.  What no one tells me is how.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “that black forest

  1. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I feel blessed that besides my mental health issues, I am fairly healthy. I am not working at this time, and have been turned down for SSDI, but so far, so good as I have a wife making a decent living. I hope that things look up for you soon. I’m not sure what that will look like, but I hope that something happens soon to make you feel like life is truly worth living. Take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    • The frustrating thing is that I DO think life is worth living. There’s so much I want to do. The problem is it feels like there’s no way for me to survive with any dignity.

      It sucks that you were denied for SSI. I was expecting to have to go through a bunch of appeals, but I got approved as soon as I applied. Someone else told me there’s a lot of variability from state to state as far as who gets approved. It’s total crap. I have a friend with MS who can’t get approved, for crying out loud. Sometimes I feel guilty that I got approved so easily, but I don’t know how I’d survive without that money.

  2. It’s not fair. Hang in there! x

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