I’m not sure I even want to keep fighting to survive anymore.

I mean, let’s face it.  Even if someone provided for all my physical needs, I still wouldn’t work right.  I’d still shit myself and shit the bed and shit blood.  I’d still not be able to stand or walk like most people.  I’d still be crazy.  I still wouldn’t be able to get or keep a normal job.  I still wouldn’t have friends or a support system.

So maybe I really would just be better off dead.

Maybe that’s just the hopelessness talking, though.  Maybe I’d be much more emotionally equipped to deal with my illness and disability if I weren’t constantly worried about how to meet my basic needs.

Then again, I guess it doesn’t really matter because no one is going to take care of my needs for me.  Nobody is going to save me, and I can’t save myself anymore.

I’m almost out of time.

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “

  1. We all know, yes, life is unfair, but your situation seems particularly so. You are doing all you can to get better, to stay housed, to get and stay stable…and nothing. No help, no support, no assistance.

    There is absolutely nothing more stressful than not having basic needs being met. I wish I had some great advice for you, but all I can say is to try and stay in the moment, even if it’s a shitty moment. I do hope you can get some help soon!

    • And when the moment is unbearable, then what? And the moment after that, and the moment after that?

      I keep trying and getting nowhere, and I just can’t try anymore.

  2. I know we haven’t met, but consider me your friend and sister. You’ve helped me so much, you don’t even know how much it means to me. I was wishing I could win the lottery so I could send you a bunch of money- I know how scary it is to be battling mental illness and worrying about meeting your basic needs. Let’s face it though- you are perfect from your head to your toes, however the god (goddess, flying spaghetti monster, etc) made you. I’m sorry it is so bloody rough, and so hard to get the help you need. You are worth it, please don’t ever give up.

  3. fadingfriction

    Big Big hugs. I understand this hopeless feeling all too well and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Please keep fighting. You do matter. Everyone matters. I hope things turn around for you soon. Always here if you need to vent Xx

  4. Oh Hope, my heart hurts for you! I can understand your frustration- I have Crohn’s Disease and any sort of IBD mixed with mental issues can be horrific. I also wish I had some great words of wisdom, but please hang in there! ❤

  5. My heart hurts for you too Hope. I feel the terror and pain in your words. Its so very tough and you’ve been dealt a lot of shit and thats so unfair. Keep fighting, dont ever give up, the world would have lost a great person if anything happened to you. XX

  6. breakdownchick

    It IS the hopelessness talking,,,vent it, but don’t feed it. NEVER give up on hope! Hope you are feeling better soon ❤

  7. mandy

    Hope, is your landlady having any luck finding more renters or is it up to you? I don’t see how you can do it all on your own. I’m sure the stress is exacerbating your Crohn’s. Are there any hotlines you can call where you live that could listen, and maybe put you in touch with resources for support? Please hang in there-make some calls. Feel better ♥

    • It’s my problem, not my landlandy’s. My (ex-)roommates said they’d find somebody, but they did squat and now they’re gone.

      I won’t use hotlines because they use the same call-tracing software the police use, and I have no doubt in my mind that they’d send the cops after me. Then I’ll dissociate and freak out and get dragged off to the hospital, and things will be even worse.

      There just aren’t any resources for people like me. My state has the fourth highest number of homeless people in the country, and there just aren’t enough resources allocated to help us because most people don’t care about us.

      • mandy

        I’m so sorry. I’m sure going to the hospital when it’s not your idea would feel like a punishment. With your serious medical problems, could you get help if you decided to go voluntarily? Of course, I don’t know where you’d go or if you would get good care. I just wish you could get some support.

      • I don’t have much faith that I’d get adequate medical treatment in my local psych unit. There’s only one hospital in my area, and I haven’t gotten adequate medical care even in their ER. I’m pretty sure one doctor there treated me based entirely on what he read on webMD. I’m especially concerned that they won’t be able to accommodate my very restrictive diet, without which I get very ill. Even the hospital that diagnosed me couldn’t even accommodate a vegan diet, and now my diet is even more restrictive: no gluten or corn, and very low fiber.

        I’ve also just never benefited from being on a general psych unit. I don’t respond to meds, so tweaking my meds won’t help. Since that’s the only treatment offered at most places, what’s the point? They’ll just keep me until I convince them I’m not suicidal, and then they’ll dump me right back into the same bad situation. It just seems pointless.

  8. So tired – I clicked like by mistake. I meant – here listening. Hugs to you.

  9. Hoping your feeling a little more hopeful. I wish we’d live in the same state. I sometimes feel trapped in my living situation but know currently there aren’t other options. Maybe we could be roomates or something, of course in real life maybes don’t count. Anyways thinking of you and if you ever feel like e-mailing me, feel free. I’d love to help in any way possible. My UC is acting up too, just shit my pants for the first time in years a couple days ago 😦 should probably get some treatment for that…

    • Aw, man, flares are the worst. I’m sorry you’re feeling lousy. Do you have a good gastroenterologist? I hope you get some relief soon. UC is literally an asshole.

      It sucks feeling trapped by circumstances. I’m sorry you’ve been there too.

      • Um I don’t currently have one, been bleeding for most the year but if I don’t have severe pain (high pain tolerance) and it’s not bleeding through (like besides bathroom) I just kind of try to ignore it. Not healthy I know, but I had it since I was a kid and am traumatized by treatment so unless it’s real bad- I just ignore it. Not sure what I’ll do now with this new added symptom…

      • Yeah, I know what you mean about treatment being traumatic–I’ve been there. I wish I could share my GI doc with you–I think you’d like him, and he’s good at not being traumatic. It sucks when you can’t find in-scary doctors. 😦

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