How

I don’t know how I’m going to get through the night.  I want to, but.

I’ve been trying so hard to hold everything together and be okay because I really wanted to but I just can’t anymore.  I feel like it’s me against a world that thinks I’m worthless and useless and wants me dead.  I feel like my inability to handle normal life is the universe’s way of telling me that I was never supposed to survive to adulthood anyway.  And I know that stuff doesn’t make sense but.

I want to find how to survive but how do I even do that?  What is left that I haven’t tried?

If someone could just give me realistic hope that things could actually improve, then I think I could be okay.  And I don’t just mean, “Oh, things will get better, nothing is permanent.”  I mean like, “Here, this is how you can pay your rent and this is how you can pay for groceries and here is a way for you to get around to places and here is a decent therapist and here is a doctor who’s actually going to take your physical issues seriously and do hir very best to help.”  And like I can’t decide if I’m just asking for way way way more than I’m entitled to or if I really do deserve this stuff.  I mean, my instinct says it’s reasonable because I’d never tell another person that those were unreasonable needs but if they’re reasonable then why are all the people and agencies who say they’re helping refusing to give me any of it?  Maybe they’re right and I’m just a worthless drain on resources who should be dead because the world would be better off without one more useless bloodsucker.  But if that’s true, then how come if I told them I think I should be dead, how come they would insist on saving me but then refuse me any substantial help?  They’d just force all these things down my throat and call them Help but really you’re just force feeding me shit and making me sicker until I die.

I can’t make anything make sense in my head and I’m not at all sure I’m making any sense here.  Sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry.

Please don’t anybody call the cops on me or anything.  I haven’t done anything to myself and I don’t have means or solid intent.  I mean I’m probably gonna drink the mini bottle of wine my sister gave me even though I don’t like wine and it could make me sick because of the UC but it’s not gonna kill me.  And maybe if I get sick and go to the ER someone will actually care about me.  Lol who r u kidding, they’re not gonna give a shit but keep dreaming I guess.

But I’m trying, I’m actually really trying but I can’t do this anymore not alone so what do I do when no one will help?

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “How

  1. I really do want to help. i would love to just fix all your problems for you, i hear the pain and suffering and i want to do something for you.. but what can i do from here.. ? im not sure..

    • I don’t think there’s a lot anyone here can do, unfortunately. It’s frustrating because there are so many of us who want to help each other, but we don’t have the resources. The people who have the resources (or the ability to allocate the resources) that could vastly improve quality of life for vast numbers of people don’t care.

  2. ((((hugs))) see my post on the board

  3. I just wanna tell you that you’re in my thoughts and in my prayers. You will get trough this…remember that your words touched so many hearts and, even if I’m not there, I’m by your side, sending you all the positive energy. I do care.
    Sending you a warm hug and all my best wishes,
    Cari

  4. You do deserve those things – those are simply needs that all people have. Life can be hugely unfair. I can relate, because although I haven’t had the health issues you do, I was very poor for many years and stayed in bad situations because of that. It is awful to feel so helpless. And then, the efforts made can be so huge, and the return so small. The last few years have been so much better for me. I’m a lot older than you are. I have found that things do change, just it can take a long time. Sending caring thoughts your way.

    • It is hopeful to know that you were eventually able to get out of that cycle. I wish I could see a way out for myself, but right now it just feels nonexistent. But maybe…

  5. Hope ❤ I'm still here and listening. You are not asking for anything that anyone else does not deserve nor ask for. I am still not giving up that there is a resource somewhere that can help you. You are worn and weary. If you cannot hold out your hand my only wish is that someone near you can help you hold it out. Try to still what you can of your mind. Sending love.

  6. happilydpressed

    I know it’s not ideal, but maybe you can try moving? Maybe somewhere you can find a cheaper residency? Maybe here down south..? I’m very sorry everything. Life just…I don’t even know

    • You even have to have money to move. I have literally $3.00 and whatever change is in the bottom of my purse right now. I’ll get $700 at the beginning of the month, but I need $800 for rent. I owe my boyfriend $136 for the plane ticket to my sister’s wedding. At some point the utility companies would probably like me to pay them. There’s literally no money left over. Not only would I need money to hire movers or rent a truck (and I’d basically have to hire movers because I’m too crippled to move much of anything), but I’d need first and last months’ rent plus a security deposit. Even if I ever had enough money left over at the end of the month to save a little, you can’t have more than $2000 in assets or you lose Social Security, and then I’d have no income. I might be able to get it reinstated afterward, but that would take months at best.

      Also, the places where rent is low (primarily the deep South or the Midwest) are places with much less helpful safety net programs like food stamps, housing subsidies, fuel subsidies, etc. They’re also generally states that have refused the Medicaid expansions. If I saved enough to move and lost disability, I’d also lose Medicare. Even if I could keep Medicare, that only pays 80%, and with all my complex medical issues, there’s no way I could afford the remaining 20%. I have to have Medicaid to pay that. Otherwise I will literally die, and it will almost certainly be slow and excruciatingly painful.

      So, basically not an option now or in the foreseeable future. That’s the thing about poverty and disability: they’ve created a system where you’re COMPLETELY trapped in poverty.

  7. I wish so badly I could heal your pain and fix your financial difficulties…just know I am thinking of you ❤

  8. Bourbon

    Here I am wishing I could do something too x

  9. Me too (which I could heal your pain). I’ve been there, trapped in bad situations, unable to afford to move. Then suddenly, a door springs open.

    Things do change. Meanwhile, many people suffer, trapped as you say, literally and seriously trapped by economics and other controls. America is not free, but the absolute opposite of it. (And only some of us get to see that reality the way we do; others are blinded by their relative “ease.”)

    I believe our work is important: to expose the lies and put a human face on them for the world to see. You’re doing that.

    And there’s more we do, in our spiritual/psychological worlds, drawing up strength where we think none exists, creating answers where it seems there are none, finding hope where it all seems hopeless.

    I pray you find a beautiful place to sit outside and try to enjoy some plants and birds and other life. Who knows what magic might transpire?

  10. All I can say is I hope that someone helps you soon. You do deserve the help. We all deserve our basic human needs to be met. It sounds like yours are not being met by a long shot. Can you try calling some therapists? I know you were going to in the past. It might be worth it. Do you qualify for section 8 housing? Thinking of you. Xo

  11. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You don’t know me, but I am thinking of you. In my darkest moments just knowing that someone cared enough to reach out, helped, even if just the tiniest bit. I hope I can do the same.

  12. It is so hard being in that dark place. I hope that you can get out of it soon.

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