I don’t know how I’m going to get through the night. I want to, but.
I’ve been trying so hard to hold everything together and be okay because I really wanted to but I just can’t anymore. I feel like it’s me against a world that thinks I’m worthless and useless and wants me dead. I feel like my inability to handle normal life is the universe’s way of telling me that I was never supposed to survive to adulthood anyway. And I know that stuff doesn’t make sense but.
I want to find how to survive but how do I even do that? What is left that I haven’t tried?
If someone could just give me realistic hope that things could actually improve, then I think I could be okay. And I don’t just mean, “Oh, things will get better, nothing is permanent.” I mean like, “Here, this is how you can pay your rent and this is how you can pay for groceries and here is a way for you to get around to places and here is a decent therapist and here is a doctor who’s actually going to take your physical issues seriously and do hir very best to help.” And like I can’t decide if I’m just asking for way way way more than I’m entitled to or if I really do deserve this stuff. I mean, my instinct says it’s reasonable because I’d never tell another person that those were unreasonable needs but if they’re reasonable then why are all the people and agencies who say they’re helping refusing to give me any of it? Maybe they’re right and I’m just a worthless drain on resources who should be dead because the world would be better off without one more useless bloodsucker. But if that’s true, then how come if I told them I think I should be dead, how come they would insist on saving me but then refuse me any substantial help? They’d just force all these things down my throat and call them Help but really you’re just force feeding me shit and making me sicker until I die.
I can’t make anything make sense in my head and I’m not at all sure I’m making any sense here. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Please don’t anybody call the cops on me or anything. I haven’t done anything to myself and I don’t have means or solid intent. I mean I’m probably gonna drink the mini bottle of wine my sister gave me even though I don’t like wine and it could make me sick because of the UC but it’s not gonna kill me. And maybe if I get sick and go to the ER someone will actually care about me. Lol who r u kidding, they’re not gonna give a shit but keep dreaming I guess.
But I’m trying, I’m actually really trying but I can’t do this anymore not alone so what do I do when no one will help?