I have no mouth and I must scream

I want to scream HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME until someone does.

Part of me thinks no one will even hear me.

Part of me thinks that they’ll hear me, but they won’t care enough to do anything.

Part of me thinks they’ll just force me to accept more “help” that doesn’t help–hospitalize me, force me into a group home, crap like that.

Part of me thinks that even if I got all the best help, everything I think I need, it wouldn’t work.  I think I’m a black hole–I’ll swallow up everything I can reach, but I’m still empty.

But mostly the problem is that I can’t scream.  I never could.  I used to try, when I was little and my father was abusing me.  He held my head under the bathwater until I passed out.  He held pillows over my face until I thought I would die.  I stopped trying to scream, and then I stopped even knowing how.



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19 responses to “I have no mouth and I must scream

  1. I know the black hole feeling.
    Hope, I hear you. My heart breaks for you right now. I KNOW it’s hard to keep calling for help but know that in doing so, others feel less alone and I hope that what you need finds its way to you. Don’t stop.

  2. I agree! You’ve been through A LOT, but don’t stop crying out and don’t give up because you can do it.

  3. I’m sorry that you’re going through this Hope.

  4. Hope, are you still at your family’s? Hope, listen to me…you have a voice..do not let that water drown you again. Do not let that pillow burn your throat and tear your eyes until you cannot breathe. You are here now! Are you at your family’s? Please find a way out if you are, anywhere…a shelter..you are regressing…I have been hearing it for a while. You cannot scream while you are there. Leave.

    • I’m going home Saturday. At least, I’m flying to Connecticut Saturday. I’ve yet to figure out how I’m getting home from there…no one I know is available, and I don’t have the money for a bus. But I actually think going home might be more dangerous at this point. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out how to survive, but I’m out of resources.

  5. The black hole description resonates so clearly with me. xx I’m so sorry things are so hard right now my friend. Please know, I hear you, I care for you so much and I wish I could rescue us both. xoxoxo

  6. Sorry hope.

    It`s so hard to be silently screaming into a vacuum; having needs that others are blind to, so being left to fight the fight alone.

    Don’t have any words of help, sorry.

    Just want to let you know that I care, though.


    • It’s okay; you don’t need to apologize. I don’t expect anyone to fix it. Really I just need to be heard, and I appreciate that more than I can say.

  7. narcopathcrusher

    And it is time to see your strength!
    The existence of your blog itself is a scream and a powerful one!

  8. happilydpressed

    xxxxxxx my thoughts are with you. Wish I could help

  9. All I can do is send you healing thoughts, Hope, and I am.

  10. Hope, I hear you. And I care. Sometimes we have to stop doing things to try to survive in the only ways we can. You had to stop screaming and dissociate away from the pain. No body would blame you for that. Your not unfixable. You do deserve to get the help you need. I know how scary it can be. Thinking of you. XX

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