I want to scream HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME until someone does.
Part of me thinks no one will even hear me.
Part of me thinks that they’ll hear me, but they won’t care enough to do anything.
Part of me thinks they’ll just force me to accept more “help” that doesn’t help–hospitalize me, force me into a group home, crap like that.
Part of me thinks that even if I got all the best help, everything I think I need, it wouldn’t work. I think I’m a black hole–I’ll swallow up everything I can reach, but I’m still empty.
But mostly the problem is that I can’t scream. I never could. I used to try, when I was little and my father was abusing me. He held my head under the bathwater until I passed out. He held pillows over my face until I thought I would die. I stopped trying to scream, and then I stopped even knowing how.