Feel like I just can’t do this anymore.  Life is too much.  I’m not cut out for it.  I was never meant to survive in the first place.  Even my own body keeps trying to kill me.

I fly home on Saturday.  All I can think is that then I’ll be able to kill myself, and I’ll finally have relief.

I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t even be saying any of this.  But if I don’t say anything, it’s even worse.  But when I do say this, I feel immensely guilty.  You’re worrying people.  You’re stressing them out.  You’re making their lives harder.  You need to just shut the fuck up.  Shut up shut up shut up.  You’re a monster.

I can’t survive this.  I want to.  There’s so much more I want out of life, so much more I want to do and give.  But what I’m doing now is not living.  You can hardly even call it surviving.  Constantly on the knife-edge, the cliff-edge of disaster.  Our minds are not meant to live with this constant stress.  We evolved to survive the brief stress of a predator attack, to escape and survive.  We are not meant to live with the constant threat of disaster

I want somebody to fix this.  I don’t want that much.  I don’t need luxury, just the basics of comfort.  A small apartment–I’ll live with roommates, that’s okay.  Enough food I can eat.  Good doctors.  A good therapist.  A few friends.  A sense of purpose.

So why do I feel like a monster who’s asking for so, so much more than she ever deserves?  Why do I think it’s better to be dead than to beg for help?

I think it’s mostly that it’s easier to be dead than to have to realize every day, over and over, that I don’t matter enough to the people who could help for them to actually help.

I just want to go home so I can die.  I’m sorry.

I don’t think I’m even making sense.  I’m sorry.

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29 Comments

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29 responses to “

  1. Juliet

    Please do talk to someone in “real life”. People can only help you when they know how much you’re really struggling… I’m sure there are people you matter to and who want to help you.

  2. I hope you can find the support you need. I know in a previous post you mentioned hospitalization wouldn’t work. Is there any way you can look into facilities so you are in control?

    • Unfortunately, since Medicare isn’t required to follow the same mental health parity laws as private insurers, I’m out of mental health days. I’d just get sent to a general psych unit, which would just make things worse. But even if I could go back to a specialized program, it would only remove me from the problem for a little while. I think it could only really help if I’d already established financial security.

  3. I could have written this myself. I get it, more than you know. Please, keep trying and I will too, we’re in this together. We have to be, all of us who feel this way. Every single one. keep going, just keep pushing through x

  4. How much worse can a general psych unit make things compared to your committing suicide, Hope? I know all about how awful they are, believe me, you know i do. But to save your life anything is better than where you are now. Please please take care of yourself by getting the help you want and need, even if it is only to weather this storm soemwhere you will be safe from your impulses. Okay.?We are ALL pulling for you. Fondly, pam

    • For me, general psych units make my symptoms worse. They make me feel less in control of my life, more hopeless, more helpless. And those are exactly the feelings that drive my suicidality. So I just lie my way out, and then I’m back out in the world in the same situation.

      I guess the essential disconnect is that I don’t think my life should be saved at any cost. There are a lot of things I’m willing to do to save my life/make it livable, but I’m not willing to give in to an abusive system that will prolong my life by making it even more unlivable. I don’t believe suicide prevention is worth that. I don’t think we should force people to stay alive when no one can/will offer them the help they need to have a decent quality of life.

  5. I have medicare, and if you don’t feel ready to leave a unit you are in, then they can’t force you to leave. There is a number you call – you have to call before they discharge you, but the hospital cannot refuse to let you call and they are required to give it to you when you sign in the hospital (voluntary or involuntary). Private or non private hospital. I didn’t know this until back in October when I was admitted to a private hospital and they told me my medicare rights upon admission. Cause I had had to sign some paper saying I was given them. No one ever made me sign it. I know you think it may not help being in a regular hospital and not a specific treatment t facility, but it is better than dying. And you will get help there.

    • I know that’s true for medical issues, but then they go through a decision-making process. If they decide later that you really didn’t still need to be in the hospital, then you have to pay the full cost for the time you stayed after they wanted to discharge you. I’m also not sure that applies to mental health–they’re not required to abide by the same mental health parity laws as private insurance companies. They’d probably just ship me off to a state hospital.

      But what it comes down to, essentially, is that I don’t think being locked up in a place that will exacerbate my symptoms is worse than dying. I guess I just don’t get why so many people think dying is something to be avoided at all costs. I’ve been in LOTS of hospitals in multiple states, and most of the time, I did not actually get help there. I got what they [i]said[/i] was help, but it was mostly just drugs and harmful behavior modification, nothing addressed the core issues. Right now, the core issues are interpersonal trauma and sociopolitical injustice, neither of which psych units are prepared/willing to address.

      • In response to the first part, it does apply to mental health hospitals because it was my psych hospitalization where I was informed about it.

        However in response to your second point, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I Wil be honest, I’ve been hospitalized a lot too. I was hospitalized 15 times in 3 states and it didn’t helped but it did keep me alive. I did get so bad I was put in a state hospital. But it was the best thing that happened to me because they did address all of my issues. My trauma my bipolar my bpd. Th eyes helped with my financial situation. They set up my after care and housing. I was there for 6 months and at the time i had no insurance but I didn’t pay anything for the hospital because of my financial situation. Not every hospital is bad. And sometimes even if it sucks going in it just keeps you safe for that moment til you can get out and see your therapist or psych or friend or whoever you need to.

        In the end, it is up to you. You know what works best for you. You know if the hospital is the right choice or not. But also just keep in mind that there are still other options besides suicide. Even if it isn’t a hospital, reach out to someone. Call your local 211 and see if there have resources. Call the suicide line and just talk, you don’t have to tell them you want to die, you can just talk.

        Life sucks and there is no sugar coating that. And I think dying is the right answer all the time. And I get jealous when other people die all the time. I really do know what you mean when you say dying is better than some other options.

        You have to hang on though. Just keep holding on to whatever you have been holding on to. You got this far in life. You’ve come this far. Just keep hanging on.

      • Hmm, sounds like you’ve had better experiences with psych units/hospitals than I have.

        I guess I should also say that part of my major resistance to hospitalization is a trauma issue. I was physically assaulted in a state hospital (not the state in which I currently live), and staff refused me medical attention. I later found out my nose had been broken, but I was just told to wash my face off in the bathroom sink and “forget about it and move on because she didn’t know what she was doing.” Later, one of my roommates repeatedly raped me, but I didn’t tell anyone because I knew they wouldn’t do anything to protect me. So being hospitalized is a major trigger, and being locked up makes me feel like I can’t escape if someone tries to hurt me again.

        My experience is also not one of getting help. Aside from the specialized hospitals/units I’ve been to (which I can no longer afford), all the treatment I’ve received has been “Here, have a bunch of drugs you don’t really need that will give you tons of side effects but not make you any less crazy,” and then you’re basically just left to stare at the wall all day every day. I’m not someone who just blindly accepts whatever clinicians tell me and don’t like feeling like I have no control, so I clash with the staff fairly frequently. They don’t like me because I don’t just take my meds and let them condescendingly tell me they’re helping me. It turns into a power struggle. I try not to make it happen, but when I’m really triggered, I can’t always help it.

        I’m also not at all confident in their ability to handle my medical situation. For instance, a lot of hospitals lock patient bathrooms at night and/or during certain times during the day, or they have only a few shared bathrooms that might not always be available. In that situation, I may very well have an accident because I’m literally incapable of holding it. I also have to eat a VERY restrictive diet to control my symptoms, and even the medical hospital where I was diagnosed with UC couldn’t accommodate my diet–I was eating nothing but plain mashed potatoes.

        I don’t trust suicide hotlines, either. They use the same call tracing software that many police departments use, and they don’t hesitate to send the cops after you. Cops are another major PTSD trigger for me.

        God, at this point I’m just going to shut up because I sound paranoid and crazy. Maybe I am, but I just don’t trust institutions, generally speaking.

      • I am really sorry all of that happened. I didnt know the background, but now I understand much more your reasoning. But I guess just mre than anything, just keep holding on to life. I know easier said than done, and all you do is try…but just keep trying. Sorry if I sounded like I was pushing everything on you before. Ill be thinking about

      • No, you didn’t sound pushy. I don’t expect people to understand my reactions to things when they don’t have the back story. And it’s not something I talk about often, so there’s no reason you should’ve known.

        I guess I’m holding on or something. I don’t even know anymore what I’m doing.

  6. Hope, you said you are OK with people writing so I am going to. Listen to your words. I was never meant to survive this. No, you were not. That is why you have DID. We were not meant to. But, DID is what saved us. Then you said “you can’t survive this but you want to”. Because you do. “you want more out of life. but we were not meant to live in the threat of constant disaster”. No…we were not! But yet, we struggle and we do.
    You want someone to fix this…..but why do you “feel like a monster asking for so much more than she deserves”. Because that is what you were made to feel, Hope. The entire time you were being abused. You were not allowed to ask for help. You were punished if you tried, even when you did not. I am sure I am not telling you anything you do not already know.
    I just want you to see in your words the cycle that you are reliving. I am in no way being a therapist. I am being someone who has gone through it. You have just gone through trauma of being around the same people who abused you, and re-abused you while you were there, that had impact on your thoughts, from then and now.
    Hospitalization does not have to be the only way to go. Or outpatient treatment, as those seem to be lacking. But women’s shelters are an option. Rape crisis centers. I know you said you are not stupid and have looked into all options, and I do not know if you have called them, or your state’s options. But these are free services with options for women who have been abused and you qualify. In Pennsylvania, where I live there are excellent services left for women and Corbett is our Governor…that is saying something.
    I am only offering that as a suggestion because you can call them right now..or when you get to wherever you are going. They can link you with anywhere.
    In the end you say you are not making sense. Perhaps because your mind is spinning. I have felt everything you are going through. My heart is breaking as I read your posts. If I could do anything at all for you I would. Please let me know if I can.. If I have overstepped I apologize. I just thought it might be helpful to reread your words in context with what you have been through.
    Please know I hear you. I believe there are solutions to this. Reach out your hand to someone.
    I hear you and I care.

    • I do understand the context. I think that’s one of the most frustrating parts of this for me: I understand how and why I am broken, but I can’t fix it on my own.

      The rape crisis center in my county only offers short-term counseling. It’s also, of course, inaccessible to me because of transportation/disability issues. Our women’s shelter is specific to DV, so I don’t qualify. All there is in my area is DMH. If I lived in Boston, I’d have access to better services, but I don’t.

      You haven’t overstepped at all–I appreciate your kindness and your reaching out. I’m sorry I can’t give you a more coherent reply right now…brain fog and overwhelm make it hard for me to string words together. But thank you.

  7. Your making sense. You have to live, because you have so much more to do in life. Your politics. Your passion in life. You can make a difference, I see you debating and talking politics and I am like wow. I could never have the kind of knowledge that you have pertaining to that. I admire you. No need to apologise. You have every right to feel let down, hurt, distressed. I’m not gonna say you shouldnt. But please rethink the death wish and plans. You are a survivor and you deserve to live. XX

    • It’s not even an issue of feeling like I don’t deserve to live. That, I believe. The problem is more that I don’t see any way to survive without misery. If I die, at least I’ll still have some dignity left.

  8. I dont know you..im just a reader
    ..a follower in your struggle…but i myself have spoken your words…year after year..day after day…all the while feeling alone and helpless…it took my whole life to finally find peace…to find strength…it will come…everything you need is within you…you just need to hold on alittle longer…..day by day..minute by minute…never give up…never surrender …

    • I’ve been trying to tell myself just a little longer…but lately it feels like things get worse and worse, and I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m trying, though.

      • Your doing a good job….things always get harder….just know…your not alone….we are listening and worry not about how it all sounds when you post…we choose to read and follow your blog..we are all here for you to reach out to when you need to….

      • Thank you. I appreciate that.

  9. I wish that there was more I could do to help Hope, but know that you have my support and well wishes.

  10. I just want to wrap my arms around you and squeeze until this time passes by. I understand where you are and how you’re feeling. No apologies on your own blog for speaking your own words…they are yours, my friend. Much love from me. xox

  11. I really do not have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to say, like someone else said, I literally could have written this myself. I wanted you to realise that you’re not alone with these awful unrelenting feelings. I’m sorry that I cannot help you. But I do wish good things to come your way. And also, you DO deserve the things that would make life ok for you x

    • It does help to know I’m not alone and to hear someone say I do deserve to have my needs met. It’s so hard to believe that about myself–it frustrates the hell out of me because I know it makes no sense, but I can’t stop believing I don’t deserve anything.

      I’m sorry you can relate.

      • Once again, I feel as if I could have written the same as you have in your response. Let’s hope that one day we believe we are worth more than we believe we are now x

  12. Hope, Im so sorry.

    There really isn’t much I can add that hasn’t been said already by others.

    It is so unfair the “system” is so broken, and who ends up paying the price for it? You, me, many others. Am thousands of miles away from you, but could have typed your words myself (well, not as cogently but…).

    Am hoping really hard that other ways out of the shit situations you are all in can be found.

    xxx

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