broke

My roommates are moving out at the end of the month.  They said they’d find me a new roommate, but they haven’t done shit.

I’m 1500 miles away, taking care of my mother after surgery.  I’ve been trying to find someone on Craigslist, but no dice.

I have to find $800 by the first of the month to pay the full rent on the apartment.  Then there’s utilities and food, and the $150 I owe my boyfriend for the plane ticket down here.  Oh, and the plane ticket back home that I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford.

I get $700 a month from SSI/SSDI.  That math doesn’t work.

And all I can think of is killing myself because there’s no other way out.  There never is.  It just doesn’t get better because I’m sick and poor and that’s not changing in the foreseeable future.

I don’t want to die, but how the hell am I supposed to survive?

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “broke

  1. I’m so sorry things feel so dark for you right now. I wish there was better help out there for people like us, who are already doing everything they can and more. I only know bits and pieces of you from your blog, but I am so convinced that you still have so much to say. Voices like yours are important in our world. I don’t pray often, but I’ll say one for you and keep you in my thoughts. When it gets toughest, just try to survive the moment… or the next breath. You can’t control the future, but you can control this very second. And now I realize I may have just said the words I most needed to hear right now too. So I hope they are of some help to you. Sending you love and hope… ❤

    • Yes, there really does need to be better help. But we already get treated like we’re just lazy scammers. I wish I could communicate to those people HOW MUCH I want to be able to function normally, be healthy, get a job, support myself, etc. There are SO many things I want to do in the world, but most of the world is inaccessible to me. Most of the time, anything further than the end of my street is inaccessible to me. And sometimes, like now, that all just seems so hopeless and pointless that I want to give up, even though that’s not really what I want.

      But I’m trying to get through the moments. I’m not falling apart completely–I’ve managed to keep my mom from even noticing I’m stressed out, and she’s usually pretty observant of those things. (She is on pain meds, so maybe it’s that.) I know I have someone I can stay with for a little while if the shit really hits the fan, although I’d like to work things out without having to do that. I’ll probably figure something out, although right now I haven’t the faintest idea of what.

  2. Not a situation with an easy answer. If it was you would have already worked it out. But for now you are helping your mom which is kind and decent. Give yourself credit for that.

    • Thank you. That really does help. I’m doing the best I can, and I’m trying not to freak out about what comes next. But it’s really hard for me to have such a total lack of stability.

  3. We want you to know we read and hear you and been there before aswell 😦 still are at times as we cant make it either *we reach out to you and hear you*

    Xx

  4. What the f***! Promise that you won’t do it. PROMISE.

    Start a kickstarter, ask your parent for the money, get a bank loan, sell something, ask a friend, cash in savings, play the lottery… and breathe. Please be calm. The universe is listening. We hear your prayers. x

    • I don’t make promises about things like this. That’s not to say I’m going to go and off myself, but I won’t make promises unless I’m 100% sure I’ll keep them. Life and illness are too uncertain for that, and that’s not going to change.

      What I can say is that I want to be alive. I’ll stay that way for as long as I can with an acceptable quality of life. There are a lot of things I still want to do, and I’m not going to give up on that easily.

      My family won’t give me money because they think I’m just faking my illness for attention/so I don’t have to get a job and support myself. No bank would give me a loan. I have nothing to sell and no friends to ask. I don’t even have the money for a lottery ticket, and that’s a really illogical way to try to get money anyway. Basically, I’m on my own. I’ll have to figure it out myself.

  5. One day at a time, my friend. xx You’ve been in worse spots. You’ll find a way to make it work….that said, I totally hear you on the endless frustration. I hope something really great comes your way soon. You so deserve it.

    • I think you’re right on target with the endless frustration. That’s exactly it. It feels like I’m constantly on the very edge of everything falling apart, and no one can live like that for very long. I do the best I can, but I can’t see any way out of this situation.

      • I know you do your best. You are loved and thought of over here….I wish I could break that cycle for you as much as I want it for myself. xo It’s so hard when nothing ever seems to work out positively. I’m here for you if you need a friend.

  6. happilydpressed

    No killing yourself. Money isn’t worth it…not worth more than you are.

    May luck come your way xx

  7. Wow… I barely have any words for you Hope. I’m sorry feels so trivial. I mean its not going to fix things for you. I wish I could do something pro active. I will be hoping something happens which will enable you to pay the rent, and get home on the plane. XX

    • Thanks. I did manage to afford a plane ticket, but I have $20 left for the rest of the month. That’ll be fun. Still no idea how I’ll pay next month’s rent.

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