“Who’s ‘you’ when
your own body is
your biggest enemy?
“If her own body
her, how can she?”
—Two Girls Staring at the Ceiling, Lucy Frank
I want out of my body. I didn’t ask for this to happen. They tell me I didn’t do anything wrong to cause it, but I’m the only one who has to suffer the consequences. I did not sign up for this shit.
I’m not sure how much more I can take.
And not only am I sick ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, everyone either pities me or thinks I’m faking.
Or they just act like I don’t even exist. Tonight, a dinner before the wedding. I knew almost no one. My mother introduced her husband to everyone, but not me. I guess I’m not important enough to introduce. No one talked to me. I was sitting next to a family friend who had a stroke, whose entire vocabulary is “yes,” “no,” and “damn.” I’m pretty sure he said more than me. My mother kept checking to see if he was okay…but not me.
There was also NOTHING on the menu I could eat. So I just got to sit there and watch everybody else eat. That and cry in the bathroom.
It’s like I don’t exist. They’d probably all be happier if I didn’t. I’m the fucked-up sister, the sick sister, the crazy sister, the crippled sister, the sister covered in ugly fucking scars, the sister with no social skills, the useless failure sister.
I want to slice myself up so I don’t have to feel all of this. If I had a blade I would. I could take apart my razor, but then I’d be hairy for the next 2 weeks.
But I don’t matter to anyone, and I can’t deal with the feelings.
I do have a bunch of food, so I guess I could binge and purge. Because that’s a GREAT idea when my digestive system is already fucked up. But I have to do SOMETHING.
I’m trying to convince myself I don’t need to do anything stupid but it’s not working. I know some of it is hormones but that doesn’t help either. I just can’t deal with this. I never should’ve come. My sister probably didn’t even really want me here, and I couldn’t really afford this trip. I’m so fucking stupid. What made me think any of them could ever love me?