“Who’s ‘you’ when
your own body is
your biggest enemy?

“If her own body
can’t recognize
her, how can she?”
Two Girls Staring at the Ceiling, Lucy Frank

I want out of my body.  I didn’t ask for this to happen.  They tell me I didn’t do anything wrong to cause it, but I’m the only one who has to suffer the consequences.  I did not sign up for this shit.

I’m not sure how much more I can take.

And not only am I sick ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, everyone either pities me or thinks I’m faking.

Or they just act like I don’t even exist.  Tonight, a dinner before the wedding.  I knew almost no one.  My mother introduced her husband to everyone, but not me.  I guess I’m not important enough to introduce.  No one talked to me.  I was sitting next to a family friend who had a stroke, whose entire vocabulary is “yes,” “no,” and “damn.”  I’m pretty sure he said more than me.  My mother kept checking to see if he was okay…but not me.

There was also NOTHING on the menu I could eat.  So I just got to sit there and watch everybody else eat.  That and cry in the bathroom.

It’s like I don’t exist.  They’d probably all be happier if I didn’t.  I’m the fucked-up sister, the sick sister, the crazy sister, the crippled sister, the sister covered in ugly fucking scars, the sister with no social skills, the useless failure sister.

I want to slice myself up so I don’t have to feel all of this.  If I had a blade I would.  I could take apart my razor, but then I’d be hairy for the next 2 weeks.

But I don’t matter to anyone, and I can’t deal with the feelings.

I do have a bunch of food, so I guess I could binge and purge.  Because that’s a GREAT idea when my digestive system is already fucked up.  But I have to do SOMETHING.

I’m trying to convince myself I don’t need to do anything stupid but it’s not working.  I know some of it is hormones but that doesn’t help either.  I just can’t deal with this.  I never should’ve come.  My sister probably didn’t even really want me here, and I couldn’t really afford this trip.  I’m so fucking stupid.  What made me think any of them could ever love me?



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17 responses to “stupid

  1. Sometimes family can do the worst damage, and sometimes building your own alternative family can be so much better. I wish you lived here, there’s a large community of “freaks” here that would love you.

    • I agree, family is sick. They are the last people on earth you can turn to our rely on. Better a total stranger.

      • My sisters are great, but the rest of my family can basically go jump off a cliff for all I care. It’s not like they’d care if I did.

    • At one point I had built a little bit of a family of choice, but they’re not in my life anymore. It’s okay, I guess…just not meant to be or something.

      • People come and go in our lives for various reasons. It’s meant to be that more will come. You’ve also created an online social support system here, which I certainly appreciate. Screw your family, they suck and not only are they not helping you, they are actively hurting you. Disowning most of my family was one of the best things I ever did just for me. xo

  2. I am sorry. I think you have to decide for yourself if any of them are worthwhile, and try and talk to those that are. Can you confide in your sister, to take the pressure off? Or phone someone?

    I have also been in this situation where my whole self-esteem falls to pieces because of family. Try to stop attacking yourself. This is an expression of how your family operates – it’s not about you.

    • My sister’s already at maximum stress levels, so I don’t want to put any more of it on her. I’ll just deal with it myself. I’m doing a little better this morning so maybe I’ll be okay.

  3. Special events can be a stress and a big let down. Needing a special diet may require making a request in advance. May the wedding itself be more joyful than the rehearsal.

    • My diet was not news to anyone. My mother was the one who planned the party, and she very well knew about my limitations. She just didn’t bother checking to see if the restaurant had a single thing I could eat.

      I’m hoping today is better too.

  4. I’m so sorry things are going this way. The way they are treating you feels so dismissive and cruel. 😦

    Wish you could go somewhere else. Xoxoxo…away from these people. Don’t let them hurt you.

  5. I know this probably sounds chiche or stupid but try to bare with me. This is your birth mother, I’m assuming, and from what you’ve posted in the past this sounds like her typical behavior. Not that it makes it right. I often feel invisible at family social events with family and it hurts and it’s uncomfortable. I try to look back and think “do I really want to be associated with these people.” I know it’s hard and we all want acceptance even from
    people who continuously treat us like shit. But try to look at it another way. Also that sisters tatoo was awesome and I’m pretty sure people don’t just get tattoos of people’s names they don’t even want at their wedding. Try your best to enjoy yourself.

  6. I’m sorry things aren’t going well 😦

  7. Hope, I nominated you for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award. I think you are an inspiration, you have been to me. And a support. Here is the link…please try to enjoy yourself, and keep taking good care, you have support because you are such support and encouragement. Much love and peace.

  8. This is heartbreaking. You matter to me. I am so sorry they are treating you like this. How long will you be there? When can you come home? Sending massive hugs, XX

  9. makersdozn

    Hope, we hear you. We’re sorry that you’re hurting, and we’re sending you good thoughts.

  10. I can only tell you from the persepective of my nearly 62 years that things do get better. I realize that this doesnt help now, but it is important that you understand that nothing lasts forever, not even bad family feelings. If worse comes to worst, you can disown them and cut off the ones who hurt you the most. But even they might change some day and surprise you profoundly. So always be open to being surprised by life, and hang in there. You owe it to yourself and your life. The person i thought hated me the most, and who caused me the most damage and trauma in life ended up being, at the end of his life, my champion (after i saw through to forgiving him, for my peace of mind).
    Best wishes to you.
    Yours, Pam

  11. I am glad you liked my last blog. I too find family events distressing because I find it hard to be around people in general. Now I am carefully choosing where and with whom I am putting my energy around. People fatigue me and overwhelm me so I must choose wisely who to let into my energetic field. I hope you are ok right now.

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