Feeling Unwanted

FO called me last night to see if I wanted to go to the opening of the new campaign office in our end of the state.  I thought it would be good to get out, and that’s something I could do mostly sitting down, so I said yes.  He said he’d call me in the morning and come pick me up.

He didn’t.

So now I feel pretty horrible.  I feel unwanted.  I feel like everyone hates me and wishes I’d just disappear or die so they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  I feel like cutting.  I feel like purging.  I’m not quite suicidal, but I wish I could die.

And then I feel crazy for feeling this way.  I know I’m overreacting.  Probably something came up at the last minute, so he couldn’t pick me up or go.  And even if it were true that he didn’t want me around, that can’t possibly be true of everyone.  Hell, the vast majority of people in the world don’t know me, and it’s generally pretty hard to hate someone if you’re not even aware that they exist.  I know it’s crazy to go from “One person failed to give me a ride to an event” to “Everyone hates me and wishes I were dead.”  That’s a HUGE leap.  It’s even a big leap to go from “FO didn’t come get me for the office opening” to “FO hates me and doesn’t want to deal with me.”  He’s always been nice to me.  We’re not best friends or anything, but we’ve always been friendly.  So it’s probably not even true that he doesn’t like me.

But none of those rational arguments make me feel any better.  I still feel like everyone hates me and wants me to die, and I still feel like hurting myself to dull the feelings.  I still feel like I shouldn’t exist at all.

I think I’m going to take a nap instead because otherwise I probably will end up purging or cutting.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Feeling Unwanted

  1. I react when people do not follow through with many of the same self doubts. The truth is most people are not great with details. They forget. They have no clue that some of go nuts when they do not do what they say they will. I am getting better, including reaching out and phoning to say “hey, what happened, I was waiting for you, are you OK?”.

    One thing that has helped is a friend who reminds me other people are focused on themselves, that is how they forget, it has nothing to do with me or you or anyone but themselves sometimes. Feel better.

    • The thing is, this job is all about the details and following through on what you say you will. Knowing FO, I’m sure he didn’t do it intentionally or out of spite, but what I know and what I feel just don’t connect sometimes. It’s frustrating as hell.

  2. Hope

    I can’t think of anyone I know who won’t react to not hearing from someone when plans had been made.. But having said that I also agree with the above comment that alot of people are wrapped up in themselves and meaning no harm or personal insult forget the affect their actions (of lack of) have on others…
    I totally understand your reaction, I’d feel the same way.. rational thinking, grounding myself is so important, it may not make my feelings or thoughts go away but keeps me safe.. sounds like that’s what you were doing.. way to go!!! I hope having a nap helped.

    • Yeah, I can rationalize it easily, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. There’s this huge gap between what I know and what I feel, and I don’t know how to bridge it.

      • Hope

        I understand and wish I could be more of a help.. but I’m in the same boat.. struggling to link what I know and what I feel together.. hoping knowing your not alone building a bridge might help.. take care and be kind to yourself.. your doing the best you can with what you got and I think your doing darn well ;o)

  3. He wouldn’t have called you if he didn’t want you to go. I’d be mad he didn’t call to cancel. It sounds like you’re triggered – happens to me also. It sucks. I hope your nap is good and you feel a bit better.

    • Doing a little bit better. Napping at least kept me from doing anything self-destructive. I just wish I could stop seeing all of this as a negative judgment on me.

  4. Reblogged this on Are. You. Mental? and commented:
    Thank you for sharing.

  5. HI Hope,

    Thanks for letting me know on you last post that you don’t need or want anyone to necessarily “fix things” or that you realize that no one person can. I am definitely someone who wants to and tries to fix people’s situations too often, even when I know it is impossible…It isn’t my job and I know it really isn’t what they want of me, I just feel so bad that I…well, you get it, I know.

    That said, one book that helped me tremendously in getting my head straight in terms of other people’s behavior and my own over-reactions, was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. I learned, as the second “agreement” says — not to take things personally. And following upon this is the third Agreement, which is “Don’t make assumptions.” Boy o boy, did those two lessons, a word I like better than Agreements, make a world of difference once they clicked, and they continue to do so to this day.

    What does it mean, “Don’t take things personally”? Basically that everyone is in their own little bubble, doing their own thing in their own life, and if you take whatever they say or do personally, you can get into trouble because they are really acting upon thoughts based upon themselves and their own motives, not you, no matter how personal it may feel or seem…Even more so, if you make assumptions based on taking whatever they do or say personally. That way disaster lies.

    One of the best things I liked about this book was his suggestion that one has the right to ask any question of anyone, as long as you are willing to accept, honestly accept, the answer. I won’t go on about this, except to tell you that if any book changed my thinking, and by changing my thinking, changed my FEELINGS, this book did.

    You might be able to get a copy of the book somewhere free of charge at a library or low cost through Goodwill Industries. It is very short and lovely. It might speak to you. I would love to think it did.

    Best wishes.

    Pam

    PS The final Agreement is only that you “Do your best everyday, whatever that is.” One’s best changes, so one day it might be only that you get out of bed, period, The next day it could be that you change the bed and go for a walk. The next day, who knows, your best might be that you change the world…But whatever your best is, the point is that if you do your best, you can go to bed and sleep at night knowing it. Rather than berating yourself for not doing enough….

  6. I feel this way often and also rationalize it away while still feeling it. Xo. Much love from me. I never forget you exist.

  7. Sometimes, rational brain is gone. I know that happens to me. I’m sorry on that particular day you felt so unwanted. I know it hurts a lot when plans go amiss. But I know deep down you know that those thoughts were irrational and taking a nap was probably the best option in the end. XX

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