FO called me last night to see if I wanted to go to the opening of the new campaign office in our end of the state. I thought it would be good to get out, and that’s something I could do mostly sitting down, so I said yes. He said he’d call me in the morning and come pick me up.
So now I feel pretty horrible. I feel unwanted. I feel like everyone hates me and wishes I’d just disappear or die so they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. I feel like cutting. I feel like purging. I’m not quite suicidal, but I wish I could die.
And then I feel crazy for feeling this way. I know I’m overreacting. Probably something came up at the last minute, so he couldn’t pick me up or go. And even if it were true that he didn’t want me around, that can’t possibly be true of everyone. Hell, the vast majority of people in the world don’t know me, and it’s generally pretty hard to hate someone if you’re not even aware that they exist. I know it’s crazy to go from “One person failed to give me a ride to an event” to “Everyone hates me and wishes I were dead.” That’s a HUGE leap. It’s even a big leap to go from “FO didn’t come get me for the office opening” to “FO hates me and doesn’t want to deal with me.” He’s always been nice to me. We’re not best friends or anything, but we’ve always been friendly. So it’s probably not even true that he doesn’t like me.
But none of those rational arguments make me feel any better. I still feel like everyone hates me and wants me to die, and I still feel like hurting myself to dull the feelings. I still feel like I shouldn’t exist at all.
I think I’m going to take a nap instead because otherwise I probably will end up purging or cutting.