Lately I’ve been feeling very disconnected from…well, everything.  It’s not a fun feeling.  I feel like there’s no one to turn to, no one to talk to.  I keep thinking that if I died, it would be at least a week before anyone noticed.  (Don’t worry; I’m not suicidal.)

Nothing seems to fill the hole.

And then I realize I don’t even know what it is I’m looking for.  I desperately want someone to do or say that magical, perfect thing that will make me feel like I’m not all alone, like I matter, like my existence is worth something.  But I don’t know what that thing is.  Like smut, I know it when I see it.

I keep thinking about this one therapist I saw for two years who I felt very connected to.  I can’t pin down what it was in that relationship and that way of interacting that helped.  She was the first person ever to make me believe that I matter, but I don’t know why I believed her or the hundred other people who’ve said the same thing before and since.

It frustrates me.  I want something from people, and I don’t know what.  So what ends up happening is that people try to help, they try to give me advice, and I just shut it down.  All I can see right now is my own helplessness to change my circumstances.  I’m sure it’s frustrating to the people I interact with, too.  Who wants to talk to someone who says, “No, that won’t work” every time you try to help.  No one wants to deal with that person who’s a bottomless pit of neediness and will be hurt when you don’t give her the thing she desperately needs but can’t understand or tell.

I want.  I want, I want, I want.

But everything is empty.

What do we do?


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13 responses to “Connecting

  1. Dear Hope, Wow, this is very insightful…I have been feeling just as you described. Helpless to help you, and frustrated, even as I want so much to make things better or say something to let you feel just a tiny bit less hopeless. Sometiimes thinking just doesn’t help anything, I have found that simply doing, doing ANYTHING is the key to kicking the black dog of depression. In my case I started with crafty type things, because my hands always hungered to be busy. Luckily I was struck by the lightning bolt of a love to do fine art in my mid fifties that was my fourth life-changing miracle…But all the miracles in my life were like that, not money, not illness-healing, just a change in my mind that brought about an immense interest and passion that led to doing something new and different. I am sorry to go on about this…I only mean to say that doing any little thing can lift depression, for a minute at first, but if you can find more to do, it will lift it for longer. I know you are in pain, and depression only increases physical and mental pain. God knows! And I am very familiar with the feelings of “I don’t matter to anyone…” But that sort of thinking gets no one anyhere.

    Thinking at all sometimes does more harm than good.

    Try baking a loaf of bread and bringing it to a neighbor, or making a pot of soup and distributing little containers to — whomever….It will start a conversation and I promise you, you will feel better afterwards. If you cannot afford the ingredients for soup, all the better. Remember that book “Stone Soup”? Go ask your neighbors for a few ingredients and promise them a serving afterwards…

    Argh, Hope. I dunno. I just want so much to get you through this and I know I can’t do anything but babble uselessly. Nevertheless, I won’t give up on hoping for the best for you, because you are so damned worth it.



    • It can be really difficult to witness someone struggling and not be able to make it better for them. I’ve been there. I don’t know if it helps, but I don’t expect you or anyone else here to fix things for me or make it better. Usually all I’m looking for is listening and understanding. I don’t expect anyone else to fix my problems, so don’t feel bad that you can’t make it better for me.

      I’m not much of a cook, but I’m a big knitter. Right now I’m hurrying to finish the shawl that’s going to be my sister’s wedding gift. I’ve had to rip the whole thing out three times because I couldn’t concentrate enough to read the charts without messing up, so it’s a scramble to get it finished before the wedding. But it’s nice to knit something for a particular person because you’re holding them in mind the whole time you’re working. This shawl will represent probably 80+ hours of work, which is that many hours of good thoughts for my sister. I’ll try to remember to take and post some pictures once it’s finished and blocked. (It’s not much to look at now; the lack looks kind of messy before it’s blocked.)

      • Knitting the shawl for your sister and thinking of her as you work sounds beautiful. A lot has been written about how activities that use your hands helps the brain function.

        As far as lacking concentration and making mistakes, that I can relate to. When I struggle to do tasks I am normally good at is when I know it is time to figure out what may be going on with my mental state.

      • Ordinarily when I’m struggling and not concentrating well, I work on something that doesn’t require as much attention. I’ve got some brainless projects on the needles (socks knit on the bias and a simple lace scarf/cowl thing), but I need to get this shawl done before the wedding. I started it 2 or 3 months ago, which should’ve been plenty of time, but I always forget about lifelines until AFTER I’ve messed something up. *headdesk* It’ll be gorgeous once I finish it, though. It’s a half-circle shawl with a lace pattern that looks like vines or sprigs of leaves. I’m using a white laceweight Italian merino with just a little bit of a halo. It’s gloriously soft–AND it’s machine washable! I don’t think I’ve seen any other laceweight yarns that you can machine-wash, probably because the yarn is so thin you risk damaging the product in the washer. I’m still going to recommend that she wash it by hand if it ever needs washing.

      • I am sure she will treasure it. It sounds amazing.

  2. This is so close to us, its scary. We relate so strongly. Dont know what to say as we havent an answer either to this. We know it very well. We can only say, your not alone

    • Thanks. It’s okay if you don’t have answers–I don’t really expect anyone to. Sometimes I just need to be heard, you know? I think that’s probably the biggest reason why I blog.

  3. woundstofeel

    I hear you :(, and all I can do is hope for you that this is temporary.

  4. Sunshine

    My therapist tells me to write it that down and question myself why I feel that way and to just feel until the answer comes or some kind of epiphany… hang in there, you are very normal dear. Hugs ❤

  5. Its hard to need, to want things, but you do deserve them. I’m sure not everyone is tired of you, I know I’m not. But I know I’m just online…but you do matter to me. XXX

  6. i know the feeling; you articulate your thoughts well. I know and understand… sorry its not a constructive comment.

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