Lately I’ve been feeling very disconnected from…well, everything. It’s not a fun feeling. I feel like there’s no one to turn to, no one to talk to. I keep thinking that if I died, it would be at least a week before anyone noticed. (Don’t worry; I’m not suicidal.)
Nothing seems to fill the hole.
And then I realize I don’t even know what it is I’m looking for. I desperately want someone to do or say that magical, perfect thing that will make me feel like I’m not all alone, like I matter, like my existence is worth something. But I don’t know what that thing is. Like smut, I know it when I see it.
I keep thinking about this one therapist I saw for two years who I felt very connected to. I can’t pin down what it was in that relationship and that way of interacting that helped. She was the first person ever to make me believe that I matter, but I don’t know why I believed her or the hundred other people who’ve said the same thing before and since.
It frustrates me. I want something from people, and I don’t know what. So what ends up happening is that people try to help, they try to give me advice, and I just shut it down. All I can see right now is my own helplessness to change my circumstances. I’m sure it’s frustrating to the people I interact with, too. Who wants to talk to someone who says, “No, that won’t work” every time you try to help. No one wants to deal with that person who’s a bottomless pit of neediness and will be hurt when you don’t give her the thing she desperately needs but can’t understand or tell.
I want. I want, I want, I want.
But everything is empty.
What do we do?