Depression takes over

Why can’t I just ask for help?  Why can’t I tell anyone that I need a therapist?  That I’m falling apart and need far more help than I’m getting?

Things are bad.  I’ve been kind of in denial, hoping that if I didn’t name it, it would go away.  But instead of going away, it’s getting worse.  Depression.

Right now, I can’t make myself care about anything, even the things I was most passionate about.  My sister, who I love more than anything in the world, is getting married, and I don’t care.  I’m seeing my sisters for the first time in 5 years, and I don’t care.  I want to care.  I act like I care.  I go through the motions, but the truth is I don’t care.

Same with work.  I love politics.  I love feeling like I have a voice and I’m doing something that matters.  Except now I don’t care.  I don’t want to fight.  It all feels totally pointless.  I feel like I can’t really change anything, and no one cares what I have to say because I’m sick and crippled and poor and useless.  Whatever is going to happen is going to happen regardless of my involvement.  I feel like I have no power and no purpose.

There was a phone bank last night, and I slept through it.  On purpose.  I knew it was happening, but I just didn’t care.  I couldn’t force myself to cold-call 200 people who just want to get me off the phone as fast as possible.  It all felt pointless, and I couldn’t bear to pretend it meant anything.  So I ignored the calls and texts and Facebook messages.  I just laid there in bed, half asleep, sweating under my comforter.  It’s the only place I feel okay at all, curled up and covered up, wrapped up safe from the world.

It feels like the world is just too much to deal with right now.  All I want to do is hide and sleep, but since I can’t sleep, I watch trashy TV shows on Netflix for 12 hours a day.  That’s what my life is.  That’s all my life is.  I haven’t done any work.  I don’t have any friends to go out with.  Nobody checks to make sure I’m actually okay.  I haven’t looked for new roommates.  Things are falling apart, and I just can’t care because it’s all just more than I can handle.  The world outside my bedroom is more than I can handle, and no one in my life even notices anything is at all wrong with me.

I wish I could just die.  I don’t want to kill myself; I just want to be not alive anymore.



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27 responses to “Depression takes over

  1. happilydpressed

    I feel like that every day. I wish something would kill me so I don’t have to. My doctors, knowing or believing I won’t kill myself, took me off all my medication because they don’t remember what my baseline norm is. They want to make sure I’m actually not making up my symptoms. Sweet right?

    No one fucking believes you when you need them to.

    But I believe you. And I’m hear if you want to talk. I wish I could say that it gets better, I mean I’m sure that it does. You have to concentrate on changing the way you see yourself. That was the best advice I ever got.

    You’re more important than you think and you deserve more than you believe. I know I don’t really know you, but I talk about you to my friend. I tell her how much I wish I could help you. How you deserve an easier life. I think about about you, that’s my point. You’re not alone through this.

    And Hope? You can overcome this. Look how far you’ve gotten on your own. I wish you the best xxx

  2. Feel sorry that you are so low, but understand because I’ve been there. Damn that ambivalence (or even apathy) that makes us not care about anything, one of depression’s crueler tricks. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but all I can say is keep plugging on — at some point, it really does get better. It doesn’t mean that better is here to stay, just that it does come. ((hugs))

  3. I’ve struggled with it too, I know its hard. You’re not alone. Stay strong and don’t give up :).

  4. mandy

    You describe so well, Hope, what I have known much of my life: depression. It becomes a vicious cycle, knowing you need to ask for help, but not wanting anyone to KNOW you need help. Still, that stigma attached to not having it “all together.” And that feeling of just not wanting to be here . . .Do your best not to isolate, Hope. It’s what I have done my whole life. Forcing yourself to get out there may be the thing that turns the bad feelings around. (I know you love your politics! 🙂 Hang on, girl. ❤

    • I don’t really have a choice about isolating anymore. The buses will no longer stop at my street, so I’d have to walk 3/4 of a mile from the next or previous stop on a busy road without a shoulder. Physically I can’t handle that, not to mention that the speed of the cars would be putting me in more danger. So now I can only get out if someone gives me a ride. Since I don’t have any real-life friends, I’m pretty much on my own, except for political stuff that at this point makes me want to kill myself to avoid. (Right now, I’m faking illness to avoid it. I know that’s horrible, but I just can’t face it right now.)

  5. I could never face making 200 cold calls. But for you to just stay under the covers is probably not a great sign. Have you considered handing someone in health care a note much like the post above? Would that be easier for you than having to be more verbal in asking for help? Best to you in deciding what to do next.

    • I guess I just feel like reaching out and asking for more help would be pointless and might end up doing more harm to me. Idiot Case Manager (and the entire structure of that program, really) is very gung-ho about hospitalizing people, which wouldn’t help me and would almost certainly bring up old trauma stuff that would make life more difficult. ICM has been trying to push me into a group home since day one, and I don’t want to give her any justification. Basically, I have zero trust in her or the program she represents. It’s possible that could change when I get a new case manager, but that’s far from guaranteed.

      • Yep, very little is ever guaranteed. May the time away prove helpful.

        If not for your political work and the fact moving costs $$$ & energy I would be saying why not consider relocating.

      • I would definitely move if I had the money, probably back to Boston. It would make a lot of things easier. I liked living in Boston–lots of resources, good public transit, good schools, etc.

  6. I know where you’re coming from, sounds like we’re living a similar life lately. Hope things lift at least the apathy that’s gotta be one of the worst parts of depression.

    • Yeah, I don’t know what to do with the apathy. It’s only in the past 5 or 6 years that it’s been a symptom for me. Even when I was incredibly suicidal and self-destructive before that, I didn’t have the apathy and anhedonia, at least not to this extent. And I have no idea how to deal with it.

  7. Depression totally sucks, it’s true. I agree that the apathy and numbness are some of the worst parts. The question now is: How can we best help you? Who can we call to come help you in person and drag you back into life and happiness (it will happen, this is just a shitty period). Have you checked out The Icarus Project? There’s lots of inspiration out there, we just have to tap you back into the energy flow 🙂
    Take care of yourself, you are completely, 100% worth it. xoxo

    • Honestly, I feel like there’s no way anyone can help me, short of giving me a car and enough money to live comfortably. But that’s not something I can reasonably ask of anyone. I guess I just have to ride this out, though I have no idea how to do that. It seems like every time the depression gets bad, it’s a new situation, so what I did to survive any of the previous times no longer applies. I keep telling myself I need to find a new therapist, and maybe that would actually help, I don’t know. I just need to feel connected in real life to somebody I can be honest with, but I don’t know how to find that. I don’t know how to do any of this, so I end up just wanting to crawl under the covers and say screw it all because it feels like I’m helpless anyway, no matter what I do.

      I’m not familiar with the Icarus Project, but I’ll look it up.

      • I hear you, and I understand what you are saying. You aren’t helpless though, it’s just the depression tricking your brain. The chemicals are wily little bastards- they think they are helping you stay safe! I started with walking 10 minutes a day, to add some happy chemicals to the mix. Staying in bed is safe, but it’s boring and lonely and not creating the life you need. I swear you can do it, just start with baby steps any way you can. We’re all cheering you on!!! Therapists are great too, but sometimes talking isn’t helpful, there needs to be some action taken towards your goals. You are smart, you know what to do, it just seems overwhelming right now. I am sending you some girl power and a lot of love and support. I would love to see you tap back into your inner fabulous-ness, because it’s there. xoxo.

      • I don’t really have goals anymore. Honestly, right now there’s not anything I want out of life that’s realistically achievable, particularly given the combination of mental and physical illness. I mean, it’s very hard for me right now even to manage the physical demands of a quick grocery-shopping trip. I’d love to go back to college, but that’s not feasible in the foreseeable future, barring someone suddenly giving me a lot of money. I’m not even sure I could handle that physically. So for now I just sit in bed and watch a lot of Netflix.

      • Oh sweetie, I’m sorry it’s so effing difficult. Is it ok if I keep throwing out suggestions in hopes that one might help? Like Coursera and free online classes. And filling out a FAFSA for student aid- lots of grants are available. I live in the city, and I afford it by sharing a house with other like minded people (there are so may of us struggling, it’s wonderful to connect). I see your isolation and frustration and I just want to help make it better. I’ve been there and others helped me. I’m so glad you are still writing- that says a lot about your inner strength (good job!!!) Without a therapist, it’s a powerful way to work through things. xoxo

      • Money and transportation issues suck, I totally feel you on that one. Do you live in a city that has options, or are you in a smaller town? Can you relocate somewhere where there might be more of a support system? Hang in there, it won’t always be this hard!!! xoxoxoxo 🙂

      • I live in a fairly small town (~25,000 people) in a mostly rural area. I’d love to be able to move somewhere a bit bigger, but I don’t have the money for moving or for higher rent. One day, maybe, but not in the foreseeable future.

  8. You sound so defeated Hope. I am sending you lots of love and hugs. I wish I could meet you in person to talk with you. I understand your want to die. I’ve felt like that hundreds of times, its not fun at all. XXX

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