I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I felt a little better yesterday evening.  Not so much today.

I saw my gastroenterologist.  He said my labs look better, although I’m still anemic.  I told him the fatigue is a little better, but I’m still having trouble doing anything that requires being on my feet for a few minutes.  It didn’t seem like he really understood how bad it was, and I didn’t feel like I could push it.

It’s kind of emblematic of where I am with everything right now.  I can barely function, but I can’t be assertive enough to push for any substantive help.  So then I end up with basically no help because everyone thinks I’m okay.

I didn’t ask C for help finding a therapist, either.  Still haven’t heard from Idiot Case Manager, either.  I keep thinking about calling her boss to complain, but who am I kidding?  I know I’ll never actually do that.

Last night was pretty good, though.  I had dinner with my landlady and her partner, and then we went to a free concert at a park in town.  It was pretty good music, although I liked the opening band better than the headliner.  It was nice to be around people without really being expected to interact.  I felt pretty good afterward, too, and I was hoping the elevated mood would last into today.

Nope.

I could barely make myself wake up.  I won’t even say “get out of bed” because that’s not really something I do anymore.  When I wake up, I just sit up in bed with my computer.  My dreams are better than real life–in my dreams I can actually connect with people.  My best friend from high school was in the ones right before I woke up.  It felt so good to be with her again.  We were the kind of friends who knew each other’s minds, and we had whole conversations in inside jokes.  I don’t have friends like that anymore.  I don’t really have friends at all, not in person.

I feel like crying, but I don’t want to let myself because I don’t have any good reason.  It feels like there’s no point to anything.  I’m not quite suicidal, yet, but I really wouldn’t mind being dead.  It feels like there is no future, and the present doesn’t feel very real.  I haven’t bought plane tickets for my sister’s wedding yet.  I’m afraid to even look at how much money I’ve got in my bank account.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

And I don’t even know why.  Nothing has happened; nothing is different than it was a few weeks ago.  But suddenly I’m much more depressed, and I can’t see any way out of that.  How do you fix a problem when it’s happening for no reason?

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “I don’t know what’s wrong with me

  1. mandy

    Hope, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so poorly. Feeling hopeless certainly gives one a reason to cry–don’t try to hold back if you need that release. Fatigue itself causes depression. It does feel like a losing battle. I hope your spirit lifts soon! ❤

  2. You have a lot of challenges. Glad you at least had a nice evening out and a somewhat decent appointment with your GI doc.

  3. Sorry to hear it’s so rough. As you know, I also have the ‘friends’ challenge. I find though it bothers me most when I’m really down, and doesn’t seem so bad when I am on a more even keel. Hope it gets better for you.

    • Yeah, I’m the same way–spending a lot of time alone when I’m doing okay is no big deal, but when I feel crappy, I want someone there to comfort me and make me feel better, so the absence of people hurts a lot more.

  4. Belle

    Sometimes I confused my dreams with reality and maybe it is because ‘my dreams are better than real life..’ I am sorry that you are going through a tough time now. I hope your fatigue is getting better.

    • Yep, a lot of the time my dreams are better than reality.

      I hope the fatigue gets better, but I don’t hold out a lot of hope. It’s basically status quo for people with IBD. Your body’s so busy fighting itself that there’s no energy left over for anything else.

  5. Hope…try to hold on. I know things are really tough right now, but hopefully they’ll get easier soon. I’m sorry you are so depressed and feeling so hopeless. Its a really tough spot to be in. XXX

  6. Jay

    I agree with Mandy that the symptoms and situations you describe here give you every reason to cry! Not that you even need one. Does crying give you a release or does it make you feel more fatigued?

    It can be hard to reach out when you feel this way but I hope you feel the love and concern in this online community xx

    • Crying is about 50/50 for me. It either helps or makes me feel worse, and I can never tell which it’s going to be. I guess right now I’m afraid of taking a risk and letting things get worse because I have virtually no support, and I’m about to fly 1000 miles away from what little support I have for several weeks.

      But I do appreciate the support I get here. It’s my most valuable resource right now.

  7. It’s challenging to stand up for one’s self.

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