I felt a little better yesterday evening. Not so much today.
I saw my gastroenterologist. He said my labs look better, although I’m still anemic. I told him the fatigue is a little better, but I’m still having trouble doing anything that requires being on my feet for a few minutes. It didn’t seem like he really understood how bad it was, and I didn’t feel like I could push it.
It’s kind of emblematic of where I am with everything right now. I can barely function, but I can’t be assertive enough to push for any substantive help. So then I end up with basically no help because everyone thinks I’m okay.
I didn’t ask C for help finding a therapist, either. Still haven’t heard from Idiot Case Manager, either. I keep thinking about calling her boss to complain, but who am I kidding? I know I’ll never actually do that.
Last night was pretty good, though. I had dinner with my landlady and her partner, and then we went to a free concert at a park in town. It was pretty good music, although I liked the opening band better than the headliner. It was nice to be around people without really being expected to interact. I felt pretty good afterward, too, and I was hoping the elevated mood would last into today.
I could barely make myself wake up. I won’t even say “get out of bed” because that’s not really something I do anymore. When I wake up, I just sit up in bed with my computer. My dreams are better than real life–in my dreams I can actually connect with people. My best friend from high school was in the ones right before I woke up. It felt so good to be with her again. We were the kind of friends who knew each other’s minds, and we had whole conversations in inside jokes. I don’t have friends like that anymore. I don’t really have friends at all, not in person.
I feel like crying, but I don’t want to let myself because I don’t have any good reason. It feels like there’s no point to anything. I’m not quite suicidal, yet, but I really wouldn’t mind being dead. It feels like there is no future, and the present doesn’t feel very real. I haven’t bought plane tickets for my sister’s wedding yet. I’m afraid to even look at how much money I’ve got in my bank account. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
And I don’t even know why. Nothing has happened; nothing is different than it was a few weeks ago. But suddenly I’m much more depressed, and I can’t see any way out of that. How do you fix a problem when it’s happening for no reason?