I’m not feeling very cohesive, so this post is going to seem kind of scattered. And I still feel shitty, so it’s not going to be all rainbows and butterflies. Apologies in advance.
I found out B can’t go to the wedding with me. Apparently his grandfather has cancer, and he has to have surgery the day before the wedding. It’s a legitimate excuse, but it does bother me that he couldn’t find 30 seconds in the last month to just shoot me a one-sentence text or email. I think I just need to let go of this relationship. I was stupid to think I could ever be okay enough to maintain a serious relationship, so it’s my own fault. I never should’ve gotten so invested. I’m just not sure I know how to let go anymore.
I don’t know how I’m going to afford a plane ticket. I mean, I’m trying to live off of $700 a month, and $400 of that goes to rent. The last time I checked, early in the year, the cheapest round-trip tickets I could find were $500. Plus, I’d have to find someone who could take me to the airport, since there’s not one close to me.
This morning, I was supposed to have an appointment with Idiot Case Manager. She was going to take me to the grocery store so I could actually buy food. But she didn’t bother showing up. Didn’t call, either. I called and left her a message, but I have zero confidence that she’ll even hear it, let alone call me back. I’m so sick of her shit. She doesn’t check messages, doesn’t return messages, and now she just didn’t show up for an appointment and didn’t call to cancel or reschedule. I’m so far past done with these people. She’s not helping me at all with any of my issues, so what the hell is the point? Maybe I’ll leave a message terminating services, just to see if she really does pick up her messages.
So I basically said fuck it and slept all day. I just can’t care anymore. I’m too depressed to function, and the “clinician” (I don’t think she’s even competent enough to deserve that title) who’s supposed to be helping me can’t even bother to call and tell me she’s not gonna show up. I’m glad to know just how much I matter.
I still haven’t gotten anywhere with finding new roommates. I emailed a bunch of people from Craigslist, but only one replied. Last week he said he’d be in town this weekend and would call me about a time to come look at the apartment, but I never heard from him. Right now I just don’t even care. I should, I need to, because I can’t afford the rent by myself, but I just can’t make myself give a shit about it. (Or anything else, for that matter.)
I did manage to go to a phone bank tonight, but it was a waste of time. My numbers were dismal–I had something like a 2% contact rate. I think I talked to maybe 5 people in 4 hours, and 3 of them hung up on me. One did say, “Oh shit!” and hang up when I said I was calling from a campaign, so at least I got a laugh out of that.
And then, right after RFD took me home, he called me. Apparently somebody was wandering around the neighborhood starting fights, and he beat a lady up pretty badly. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my neighborhood lately. It’s a dead end street two miles from anything, so it’s not like people end up there accidentally. But this is the third time in two months that we’ve had a bunch of cop cars out here for a disturbance. One involved a home invasion, one I don’t know what happened but it required an ambulance, and now tonight someone was assaulted. It scares the shit out of me. After the first home invasion incident, I was really scared because they guy had banged on my bedroom window, so I bought a big hunting knife that now lives right next to my bed. This shit puts my PTSD symptoms into hyperdrive.
I just can’t deal with anything right now. I’m so depressed I’ve actually been considering self-harming just so I won’t have to feel anything. That or bingeing and purging. Anything that will make me not have to feel anything for a while. I’m not fully suicidal [yet], but I’m having a lot of thoughts about not wanting to be alive.
I really need to get a therapist, but I can’t deal with contacting people. You know you’re really fucked up when you’re too depressed and anxious to even get a therapist.
I really hate myself right now. It’s really hard not to self-destruct, and I’m losing sight of any reason why I shouldn’t just give in to the urges.