I hate everything.

I’m not feeling very cohesive, so this post is going to seem kind of scattered.  And I still feel shitty, so it’s not going to be all rainbows and butterflies.  Apologies in advance.

I found out B can’t go to the wedding with me.  Apparently his grandfather has cancer, and he has to have surgery the day before the wedding.  It’s a legitimate excuse, but it does bother me that he couldn’t find 30 seconds in the last month to just shoot me a one-sentence text or email.  I think I just need to let go of this relationship.  I was stupid to think I could ever be okay enough to maintain a serious relationship, so it’s my own fault.  I never should’ve gotten so invested.  I’m just not sure I know how to let go anymore.

I don’t know how I’m going to afford a plane ticket.  I mean, I’m trying to live off of $700 a month, and $400 of that goes to rent.  The last time I checked, early in the year, the cheapest round-trip tickets I could find were $500.  Plus, I’d have to find someone who could take me to the airport, since there’s not one close to me.

This morning, I was supposed to have an appointment with Idiot Case Manager.  She was going to take me to the grocery store so I could actually buy food.  But she didn’t bother showing up.  Didn’t call, either.  I called and left her a message, but I have zero confidence that she’ll even hear it, let alone call me back.   I’m so sick of her shit.  She doesn’t check messages, doesn’t return messages, and now she just didn’t show up for an appointment and didn’t call to cancel or reschedule.  I’m so far past done with these people.  She’s not helping me at all with any of my issues, so what the hell is the point?  Maybe I’ll leave a message terminating services, just to see if she really does pick up her messages.

So I basically said fuck it and slept all day.  I just can’t care anymore.  I’m too depressed to function, and the “clinician” (I don’t think she’s even competent enough to deserve that title) who’s supposed to be helping me can’t even bother to call and tell me she’s not gonna show up.  I’m glad to know just how much I matter.

I still haven’t gotten anywhere with finding new roommates.  I emailed a bunch of people from Craigslist, but only one replied.  Last week he said he’d be in town this weekend and would call me about a time to come look at the apartment, but I never heard from him.  Right now I just don’t even care.  I should, I need to, because I can’t afford the rent by myself, but I just can’t make myself give a shit about it.  (Or anything else, for that matter.)

I did manage to go to a phone bank tonight, but it was a waste of time.  My numbers were dismal–I had something like a 2% contact rate.  I think I talked to maybe 5 people in 4 hours, and 3 of them hung up on me.  One did say, “Oh shit!” and hang up when I said I was calling from a campaign, so at least I got a laugh out of that.

And then, right after RFD took me home, he called me.  Apparently somebody was wandering around the neighborhood starting fights, and he beat a lady up pretty badly.  I don’t know what the fuck is going on with my neighborhood lately.  It’s a dead end street two miles from anything, so it’s not like people end up there accidentally.  But this is the third time in two months that we’ve had a bunch of cop cars out here for a disturbance.  One involved a home invasion, one I don’t know what happened but it required an ambulance, and now tonight someone was assaulted.  It scares the shit out of me.  After the first home invasion incident, I was really scared because they guy had banged on my bedroom window, so I bought a big hunting knife that now lives right next to my bed.  This shit puts my PTSD symptoms into hyperdrive.

I just can’t deal with anything right now.  I’m so depressed I’ve actually been considering self-harming just so I won’t have to feel anything.  That or bingeing and purging.  Anything that will make me not have to feel anything for a while.  I’m not fully suicidal [yet], but I’m having a lot of thoughts about not wanting to be alive.

I really need to get a therapist, but I can’t deal with contacting people.  You know you’re really fucked up when you’re too depressed and anxious to even get a therapist.

I really hate myself right now.  It’s really hard not to self-destruct, and I’m losing sight of any reason why I shouldn’t just give in to the urges.



Filed under psych

18 responses to “I hate everything.

  1. aoifemalone

    Do not give in, don’t make yourself hurt it’s only going to make you feel worse except now with added shame and guilt. You CAN pull through this, I know I’ve been there. Ask for help, go to a doctor and keep trying until someone listens and is willing to help x

    • In terms of doctors and medications, there’s literally nothing left to try. I’ve been on literally every SSRI on the market in the US, most of the SNRI’s and tricyclics, and even a couple MAOI’s, not to mention mood stabilizers, sedatives, and even antipsychotics. I had 29 ECT’s, which didn’t help long-term and left me with memory and cognitive deficits that may never go away. So doctors really can’t help–I’m just one of those people who doesn’t respond to psychiatric medication.

      I’ve tried and tried to find someone willing to listen and help, and now I’m pretty much out of options. I’ve been through 5 therapists in the last two years. I live in a rural area with few resources, and there aren’t many people qualified to work with people with DID. They also have to take both Medicare and Medicaid (insurance for disabled and low-income people), and most don’t because they don’t get enough payment from Medicare/Medicaid to make it worthwhile. My Idiot Case Manager is supposed to be helping me find a therapist, but she can’t even be bothered to show up.

      So you see it’s not that I’ve just given up without trying. I’ve been trying literally for years to get help, but what I need is just not available. I don’t have the money to move to somewhere it might be available. So I’m pretty much just shit outta luck.

  2. Let’s hate everything together…

    Seriously, I don’t know what to say. Could you try getting a new case manager? :/

    I feel you.. I wish I knew what to say, other than that. Stay safe.

    • We should form a club. Except that then we’d have to hate the club, too.

      I don’t actually know if I could get a new case manager or not. See, the “services” I get are through a private agency, but they contract for the Department of Mental Health. The quality of services there is so bad that even the people who work there mock it. They’re underfunded and understaffed, which is probably why they end up with useless people like ICM working for them. So even if I did switch, there’s no guarantee the person would be any better.

      The thing I’ve run into with this agency is that they expect me to tell them what I need. Uh, gee, yanno, maybe if I knew that I’d already be doing it. So if I asked to be assigned to a different worker, they’d probably ask me what I need, and I’d have no idea. Then they’ll just tell me that if I don’t have clear needs, then there’s no reason I should say ICM isn’t working out for me. Mobius loop logic.

      Also part of the problem is that these people are very gung-ho about hospitalizing people, and I’m worried that if I tell them how depressed I am, they’ll just shove me in the hospital, which will make me worse. I mean, ICM has been trying to put me in a group home since the first time we met, probably just because it would make her job easier. I’m afraid to give these people any excuse. I could cite Olmstead v. L.C. at her, but I guaran-fucking-tee you she’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. Even if I explained the case to her, I’m pretty sure she STILL wouldn’t get it.

  3. Dont give up on yourself..its hard when things pile up and weigh your hopes down…trust in yourself.and know that your not alone..even if it seems like you are..;-) be strong…everything will be ok….

    • I haven’t given up yet. But you’re right, it is hard when things just keep piling up with no way to fix any of them. I thought I’d been doing okay for most of this year, but really I think I was just on the edge the whole time, and now enough things have gone wrong that I’m just totally overwhelmed and paralyzed by all of it. All I want to do is sleep because then I don’t have to deal with anything.

      I’m alone in all the ways that matter. That probably makes me sound like an asshole, but it’s the truth of the situation.

      • Well alone might not be what you want…but its not all bad..sometimes finding the strength to get out of bed is harder then we want it to be..i understand that…but when we do ..we gain so much from it…finding that we can fill that need within ourself is uplifting..never give up..never surrender…dont let life beat you…you can get threw anything….its not at all easy..but i have faith in you….your battles within are a struggle given to overcome..you can do it….the others within you are just trying to get you where u need to be..;-)

  4. You deserve a break. And you need someone to care and help. My only thoughts are C (the nurse?) or your landlady.

    • The thing with those three people is they’re all from the program I was at before this. I feel like it’s a boundary thing–they’re not getting paid to deal with me anymore, so I shouldn’t bother them. To be clear, no one has ever actually said this to me; I just tend to be hyper-boundaried. (That’s definitely not a word. Oh well.)

      I might ask C if she can help me find a new therapist, though. I don’t know.

      • You are a good person to not want to impose where you are no longer in a program but I think speaking with C about a therapist is a great idea. As professionals I believe they would tell you if they do not want to help, or refer you to someone.

  5. happilydpressed

    I’m so sorry, hope. Don’t give in.. Maybe you can move to a new neighborhood. You have life ahead of you and you can do anything….don’t let no one stop you. Maybe a change is what you need. Something fresh and better.

    I’m very sorry about B…

    • I don’t have enough income to afford another apartment–I’m getting this one below market value, and I can still barely afford it. But it would be nice if people would quit showing up and doing crazy shit on what used to be a nice, quiet street. This crap is not helping with my PTSD.

  6. Ahhh Hope…I have no words of wisdom. I hope something changes for the better at some point in the near future. ((hugs))

  7. Dear Hope,

    I have been reading your posts and feeling so terrible for you…I am glad that so many understanding people have responded and that you keep answering them too, even if only to point out that you have tried their suggestions. I do think that even if you are careful of boundaries there are times when you need absolutely need to reach out to people who can help you. And you need to remember and tell yourself over and over that people really LIKE to be helpful to you, that it makes them feel good. It feels good to everyone to help others. I mean, it is clear that you do not constantly bother these helpful people with overrunning their or your own boundaries, and they know this, so when you do go to them with needs they are aware of how necessary it is to deal with them and help you. I can virtualy assure you that they will not ffeel put upon or that you are trespassing boundaries, only reaching out in a time of terrible need. And they will respond as humane human beings should and do. You really, really need a therapist, one, and you need help to get food and some way to find roommates or some place to live that is more accessible to places you need to get to.

    Trust me, I HAVE been there. Really. I have been homeless and hungry and NEVER understood till it was too much later how very much people wanted to help me but I wouldn’t ask them for it. I ended up in the hospital way too many fucking times and was tortured there because of this,. I don’t want that for you…and besides, meds don’t even work for you, and if MA is anything like CT meds are all hospitals offer, aside for ECT, which they forced on me. So PLEASE ask the two or three people you trust for the help they can give you. Think about it. Would you refuse yourself if you were they? I doubt it. You know you don’t bother people with constant begging for attention and assistance, all your readers know that. You are very independent, But sometimes we all need help. Please ask them for help now.

    I will be thinking of you. And hoping for the best for you. You deserve it.

    Much affection,

    Pam W.

  8. I wish I could do something. It seems so unfair that your in such a predicament. That case manager is definitely the worlds worst idiot! Fire her! XXX

  9. It sounds like a really awful situation. Why are you in need of a case manager.

    • Basically, I got bullied into agreeing to mental health services–it was that or they’d hospitalize me. So they assigned me to Idiot Case Manager, who’s been totally unhelpful. Lucky for me, she’s leaving the agency soon, although that’s no guarantee that whoever I end up with will be any better.

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