I feel crappy.
No particular reason. Nothing’s really been happening, not anything new. But depression has been creeping up on me.
I feel very alone and disconnected. I hardly ever leave the house–I don’t really have anywhere to go. Most days I don’t even bother putting on real clothes or brushing my hair because no one’s going to see me anyway. I just sit at home and watch Netflix, which doesn’t really interest me but is at least something to do.
Everything just feels so flat and empty. I have no friends. I have no interests. Most days I don’t even talk to anyone. I don’t create anything; I can’t write anymore, haven’t been able to for years and years. Something inside me is just dead.
And yet I’m here; what choice do I have? I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like this anymore. But how do I get out of this place? Meds don’t work. Doing things doesn’t help, and even if it did, I can’t get anywhere because the bus drivers have now decided they won’t stop at my street. (The nearest stops are each 3/4 of a mile from my street on a very busy street with no shoulder to walk on, and I’m often not physically capable of walking that far even if it weren’t life-threateningly dangerous.) There’s nobody I can talk to about this stuff because I can’t even find a therapist who isn’t scared of me, let alone a friend. Let that sink in: I can’t even find someone willing to listen to me for money.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I wish I could just sleep all the time because there’s no point to being awake, but I never sleep much in the summer. I can’t seem to see any way out of this depression and anhedonia and loneliness and nothingness.