I feel crappy.

No particular reason.  Nothing’s really been happening, not anything new.  But depression has been creeping up on me.

I feel very alone and disconnected.  I hardly ever leave the house–I don’t really have anywhere to go.  Most days I don’t even bother putting on real clothes or brushing my hair because no one’s going to see me anyway.  I just sit at home and watch Netflix, which doesn’t really interest me but is at least something to do.

Everything just feels so flat and empty.  I have no friends.  I have no interests.  Most days I don’t even talk to anyone.  I don’t create anything; I can’t write anymore, haven’t been able to for years and years.  Something inside me is just dead.

And yet I’m here; what choice do I have?  I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live like this anymore.  But how do I get out of this place?  Meds don’t work.  Doing things doesn’t help, and even if it did, I can’t get anywhere because the bus drivers have now decided they won’t stop at my street.  (The nearest stops are each 3/4 of a mile from my street on a very busy street with no shoulder to walk on, and I’m often not physically capable of walking that far even if it weren’t life-threateningly dangerous.)  There’s nobody I can talk to about this stuff because I can’t even find a therapist who isn’t scared of me, let alone a friend.  Let that sink in: I can’t even find someone willing to listen to me for money.

I honestly don’t know what to do.  I wish I could just sleep all the time because there’s no point to being awake, but I never sleep much in the summer.  I can’t seem to see any way out of this depression and anhedonia and loneliness and nothingness.



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14 responses to “Blah

  1. Hope, I’m so sorry. That sucks. I cant believe the buses wont even stop at your street. I dont have a bus service running where I live, but luckily our sister drives so sometimes she picks us up and takes us where we want to go. I know though your sisters live far away from you. Sending hugs, I know it isnt much though. XX

    • I guess it doesn’t matter that much because it’s not like there’s really anywhere I want to go anyway. Nothing really interests me.

  2. I am really sorry you are feeling so lousy. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and let this wave pass by you. Many hugs to you…

  3. Summer days are long. Sorry you are alone and adrift. How many days until your sister’s wedding?

    • Marisa Lauren

      I never thought about it like that. lol. They are sooo long. It is much tougher for me in the summer too.

  4. The wedding is August 9. But I don’t even know what’s going on with my trip. B won’t call or text me back about planning it, so I may end up going by myself, assuming I can find some way to afford the airfare.

  5. Marisa Lauren

    Thinking about you. I am ALWAYS here to listen. Sending so much hugs!

  6. So sorry. Have you tried calling a crisis hotline for support? If you have a psychiatrist, can’t s/he recommend a therapist to you? In the US, there is DBSA, Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance, which organizes peer support groups.

    • The crisis hotlines basically just want to hospitalize you, and I’m not at that point. I’m not suicidal or wanting to self-harm…just depressed.

      I’ve been through 5 therapists in the last 2 years. It’s a complicated issue. To start with, I have DID, which a lot of therapists are not qualified to deal with or even comfortable with. Second, I have Medicare and Medicaid, and not many therapists accept it. Third, I live in a rural area with few resources, and I’ve pretty much exhausted what’s available and affordable. So I’m kinda SOL there.

      I’ve looked for any sort of support groups in my area, and there just isn’t anything that fits. There are groups for HIV, liver disease, heart disease, ADHD, substance abuse…but nothing that fits my situation. There was a guy I was talking with last year who was planning on starting a group, but that fell through. There is a peer-run center a few towns over, but since the buses won’t stop near me anymore, I’m pretty much stuck at home.

      That’s just the situation. I don’t expect anyone to fix it for me, so don’t feel like you have to. I mostly write here just because I need to get things out of my system, not because I expect anyone to have solutions. 🙂

      • We lived in a rural area for a couple of years and the health care options sucked (were quite poor). Yes, diagnosing and treating DID takes special training. Not everyone has the know-how. And, yes, Medicare and Medicaid suck, too, since no one will accept them. Makes no sense because we need treatment because of a psychiatric disability, and then no one will take the our medical benefit as payment. Obsurd! Best of luck. Hope the rant helped. Peer support online? Special groups for DID sufferers?

  7. Sorry you feel this way. We very much relate to this. Sending you support. We still read your blogs btw 🙂

  8. Right there with you. I do go out and have a few friends but for some reason still don’t feel anything. No real advice, sorry. Just support that you’re not alone and hoping this will change soon. I go through phases so maybe that’s some hope…

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