It’s 3:00 AM.  I have an OB/GYN appointment at 10:00.  Despite a double dose of my sleep meds, it doesn’t appear that I’m going to sleep any time soon.  I’m too busy having an anxious meltdown.

I just need progesterone so I don’t go crazy once a month.  I already know it works, and I know it doesn’t exacerbate my UC.  It’s just that my insurance is being a pain in the ass about letting my psychiatrist write the prescription, and my GP is too scared (of the UC, I assume) to write me a prescription.

I’m freaking out because I know most doctors won’t write a prescription for birth control without an exam.  I’m not actually using it for birth control, and I’m not having sex.  (In fact, I’ve never had consensual sex.)  But I’m still afraid she’ll insist on an exam.  And I’ll probably have to give in.  I mean, without the progesterone, I spend 25% of my life insanely anxious, ragingly angry, and severely suicidal.  I need the medication.

But under those circumstances, even if I consent to an exam, it won’t feel like real consent.  It’ll feel like all the times I let my father abuse me because compliance was less painful.  So I’ll feel retraumatized, helpless, and trapped.  And there will be no one to help me deal with it.  I mean, C is taking me to the appointment, but now I only see her twice a month.  Idiot Case Manager is not someone I’d dream of asking for support with this (or anything, really), and I don’t have a therapist anymore.  So it’ll be flashback hell, and I’ll be all alone to deal with it.

I wish I could just stop thinking about it, but I can’t.  I wish I could sleep, but that doesn’t appear to be likely either.

FUCK.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “

  1. Sounds awful. Here listening. Hugs

  2. You are very brave. From what I have read in your blog C will a great person to have beside you.

    My experience is the doc having to give an exam to an abuse victim is not having a picnic either. I saw the fear in the eyes of the doc who gave me my first exam. Otherwise she was being a pro but her eyes, wow. It was about 20 years ago but the picture is still etched in my brain.

    Certainly be frank with C, maybe she knows some ‘tricks’ to help you cope. And may the doc be ultra compassionate too.

  3. I’m sorry to hear that, that’s a nightmare scenario of being trapped. I hope today is less distressing than you thought it would be x

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