I feel like I haven’t had much to say lately, so I haven’t been posting. But it’s lonely. I’m lonely. I keep wanting to reach out and connect, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want/need or how to ask for it.
So here’s a bunch of random stuff about my life that might make me feel a little more connected, even though it’s going to come out all disjointed.
- I still don’t have a therapist. I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably should, but I’m too afraid to look for one. Afraid I won’t find someone, afraid it won’t work out if I do find someone, afraid they’ll reject me (again). So my brilliant approach is to do nothing about it.
- I am exhausted, existentially. After the Boston trip last week, I haven’t done any campaign work all week. Didn’t even answer my phone for campaign people. I feel a little guilty, but mostly I just don’t care.
- I think some of the apathy is the Supreme Court’s fault. I’ll spare you my political ranting, but suffice it to say that I’m very unhappy with them. It feels like no matter how hard we work to make the country more fair and kind, it just doesn’t matter. Someone with more power will just stomp it into dust. Right now I’m too tired to fight back.
- I am doing a table for my AG candidate at the farmers’ market on Saturday. But I plan to just sit there, smile at people, and hand out lit. I’m too tired to be aggressive about it, and if they don’t like it, they can dock my pay.
- I still don’t know what I’m going to do about my roommate situation. I should be advertising on Craigslist and talking to friends who might know somebody, but I haven’t done anything at all. I feel like my roommates are screwing me over, so it should be their job to fix the situation. Of course, that’ll just end up screwing me over in the end. I know this, but does it motivate me to do anything? Nope.
- The fatigue is slightly better since I’ve been on the iron, but it’s still very present. My gastroenterologist’s office called to say my blood counts looked better in this week’s labs, and I’ll see my doctor this Tuesday. I’m going to discuss with him whether it’s the iron sulfate that’s making me sicker, the lower 6-MP, or both. The worst, of course, is night. I don’t know why, but it’s always been that way for me.
- I have an OB/GYN appointment July 11. I’m freaking the fuck out about this. C is going with me, but that does not actually make me feel better. I’m afraid she’ll refuse to give me progesterone without an exam, and then I’ll be totally fucked.
- It poured all night tonight–I’m talking hurricane quantities. This makes me nervous because I live 50 yards from a lake, in a first-floor apartment, but we didn’t flood. Our power flickered a bunch, but it didn’t go out. In spite of this, I hope it pours again tomorrow night. That way every asshole with a lighter won’t be setting off firecrackers. I don’t do well with sudden, loud noises. It’s all right if I go to a fireworks show because then I expect it. But on the 4th of July, even though it’s illegal, people just LOVE setting off fireworks. Maybe if I beat them up, I can blame it on my PTSD.
- I also need to get around to installing my window unit tomorrow because it’s too damn hot to exist. Of course, I’ve been saying all week that I was going to install it tomorrow. Apparently I’m so apathetic about everything that not even heat stroke can motivate me to get out of my bed.
- I really hate this new WordPress post layout. I don’t usually complain about website updates unless it’s Votebuilder (don’t start me on THAT rant), but this one bugs me. It feel like it’s trying to be too Facebook-y, and the interface is less intuitive than it used to be.
I don’t really feel more connected, but maybe it’s a work in progress? I don’t even know anymore.