Disjointed and Disconnected

I feel like I haven’t had much to say lately, so I haven’t been posting. But it’s lonely. I’m lonely. I keep wanting to reach out and connect, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want/need or how to ask for it.

So here’s a bunch of random stuff about my life that might make me feel a little more connected, even though it’s going to come out all disjointed.

  • I still don’t have a therapist.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably should, but I’m too afraid to look for one.  Afraid I won’t find someone, afraid it won’t work out if I do find someone, afraid they’ll reject me (again).  So my brilliant approach is to do nothing about it.
  • I am exhausted, existentially.  After the Boston trip last week, I haven’t done any campaign work all week.  Didn’t even answer my phone for campaign people.  I feel a little guilty, but mostly I just don’t care.
  • I think some of the apathy is the Supreme Court’s fault.  I’ll spare you my political ranting, but suffice it to say that I’m very unhappy with them.  It feels like no matter how hard we work to make the country more fair and kind, it just doesn’t matter.  Someone with more power will just stomp it into dust.  Right now I’m too tired to fight back.
  • I am doing a table for my AG candidate at the farmers’ market on Saturday.  But I plan to just sit there, smile at people, and hand out lit.  I’m too tired to be aggressive about it, and if they don’t like it, they can dock my pay.
  • I still don’t know what I’m going to do about my roommate situation.  I should be advertising on Craigslist and talking to friends who might know somebody, but I haven’t done anything at all.  I feel like my roommates are screwing me over, so it should be their job to fix the situation.  Of course, that’ll just end up screwing me over in the end.  I know this, but does it motivate me to do anything?  Nope.
  • The fatigue is slightly better since I’ve been on the iron, but it’s still very present.  My gastroenterologist’s office called to say my blood counts looked better in this week’s labs, and I’ll see my doctor this Tuesday.  I’m going to discuss with him whether it’s the iron sulfate that’s making me sicker, the lower 6-MP, or both.  The worst, of course, is night.  I don’t know why, but it’s always been that way for me.
  • I have an OB/GYN appointment July 11.  I’m freaking the fuck out about this.  C is going with me, but that does not actually make me feel better.  I’m afraid she’ll refuse to give me progesterone without an exam, and then I’ll be totally fucked.
  • It poured all night tonight–I’m talking hurricane quantities.  This makes me nervous because I live 50 yards from a lake, in a first-floor apartment, but we didn’t flood.  Our power flickered a bunch, but it didn’t go out.  In spite of this, I hope it pours again tomorrow night.  That way every asshole with a lighter won’t be setting off firecrackers.  I don’t do well with sudden, loud noises.  It’s all right if I go to a fireworks show because then I expect it.  But on the 4th of July, even though it’s illegal, people just LOVE setting off fireworks.  Maybe if I beat them up, I can blame it on my PTSD.
  • I also need to get around to installing my window unit tomorrow because it’s too damn hot to exist.  Of course, I’ve been saying all week that I was going to install it tomorrow.  Apparently I’m so apathetic about everything that not even heat stroke can motivate me to get out of my bed.
  • I really hate this new WordPress post layout.  I don’t usually complain about website updates unless it’s Votebuilder (don’t start me on THAT rant), but this one bugs me.  It feel like it’s trying to be too Facebook-y, and the interface is less intuitive than it used to be.

I don’t really feel more connected, but maybe it’s a work in progress?  I don’t even know anymore.




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26 responses to “Disjointed and Disconnected

  1. I’m sorry you have so much stuff going on right now. It’s definitely a lot to deal with on top of being sick. I hope that your numbers continue to improve and that your OBGYN appointment goes well.I would definitely get that AC unit in soon. That may help some of your symptoms not be as severe.

    I didn’t even realize that the WordPress layout changed. Was it the browser layout or mobile?

    • Thanks! Hopefully your iron levels come up soon too. It took almost two weeks for me to feel a bit better on the iron, so there’s hope for you too.

      The AC will definitely help with my breathing, and it’ll probably help with the fatigue too. The heat is just so draining! Also, I can’t sleep well when it’s hot, and that definitely does not help with fatigue. I think I’m going to install it in a little while because it’s actually cool out here today.

      They changed the browser posting layout. Now the tags and a bunch of the advanced settings are in a sidebar on the right-hand side of the page. It doesn’t look to me like they’ve changed the mobile posting layout in a while, but I could be wrong because I rarely use it.

      • I’m glad to hear that you’re starting to feel better.

        Heat is definitely draining. I hate it. I prefer the winter months. My philosophy is that you can always put more layers on, but you can only take so many off.

        Oh, I think you should be able to move the boxes for the tags around. At least I just found out that I can on my web browser. I use mobile sometimes when I’m waiting at the doctors office and forgot to bring a book with me. It’s nice to have something to read!

      • I don’t love winter–makes my arthritis worse. Also, I often get cold down into my bones, and the only way I can get warm again is a hot bath. That’s not really practical sometimes. I just want spring and fall. Skip the extremes.

        I want the tags back at the bottom of the page where I don’t have to click anything else to expand it, and I don’t like having to click + for each new tab. Much easier to just separate them with commas.

      • Yeah I can understand that.

        Oh, I think I know what you’re talking about. I have no idea how to fix that.

      • It’s not a serious problem. I just get annoyed by certain aspects of website design that make things more tedious for the user. For instance, I rant frequently about Votebuilder, the database program we use for EVERYTHING on campaigns. A particular pet peeve of mine is that when you enter a page of data and want to save and go on to the next page, you have to scroll all the way back up to the top of the page to get to that button. Totally counter-intuitive. I mean, how hard would it be to duplicate the button and stick one at the bottom of the page? And they just updated the virtual phone bank page a few weeks ago, and now once you enter data about a call, you have to scroll down a while to get to the “Save/Next” button. And you can’t see data on previous calls to that person anymore, which is often really important info. But at least it doesn’t crash all the time like it did in 2012. It also used to tell me on a regular basis that I didn’t exist, and once it told me the entire state of New Hampshire didn’t exist. Bitching about Votebuilder is a common campaign pastime.

  2. That Supreme Court case is a bummer. Will Congress try and legislate to fix it?

    A/C is a big help to my mood but I totally understand that installing a unit when you are hot and sick is daunting.

  3. HI Hope. Glad to see you posted again. I am of similar mind about the S.C.. so many recent decisions it seems to me are sickening…and discouraging to the max. I admire anyone who can keep working in politics in any fashion, given the current climate.

    I am SO with you wrt fireworks. And thunderstorms? Man o man, all I have to do is hear a crack of thunder and my scream-startle reflex goes through the roof. So like you, I stay away from 4th of July celebrations. I am just glad that it is a steady rain today in Vermont so the “snappers” that a friend here got her son might not work so great. I know nothing about these things, mind you, so I have no idea.

    Have not seen an OB-GYN more than 2x in my life…I gave up on them and decided to take my chances…Just cannot tolerate the exams or the BS. But I won’t take any hormones and never needed them so I was lucky. Wish you could simply get what you need over the internet and could avoid the docs. But given your situation, you really need them. Just offering my sympathy and an extra set of gritted teeth for when you have your GYN visit. Best wishes, and know that I am thinking of you,

    • Yeah, I have many issues with SCOTUS, but lately it seems like they’re making every bad ruling possible. I mean, you can always count on Scalia to make the most morally reprehensible choice possible, and Thomas will do whatever Scalia does. And Alito has always been extremely partisan. But seriously, people, get your shit together. Get out of your goddamn ivory tower and come experience REAL life. I guarantee you’ll make some different rulings after that.

      What I want to know is if there’s any legal way to sue the Supreme Court? They get a 100-foot buffer zone, and they want to call ours unconstitutional? What about the ones around funerals and polling places? Oh wait, those are okay because they’re not about women exercising their legal right to control their own bodies.

      It’s still raining here in western Mass, too, so I hope that means no firecrackers. That would make me a happy person, for sure. I don’t mind thunderstorms, though–I actually like them.

      I wish I didn’t need hormones, but I do. I need to maintain my sanity instead of wanting to kill myself for a week of every month. It gets pretty crazy in my head when my hormones go wacky.

  4. lhill1

    It can be very hard to continually reach out when it feels like you have done so over and over again to no avail. I hope you can find the strength and courage to keep trying even if at first it’s only here on your blog. The more you reach out and see that their are others like myself that don’t know you personally that care maybe that will help? I can only offer my encouragement and suggestions and hope not to offend with them. I know for me when I struggled the most with feeling unconnected ( By the way that is still one of my BIGGEST struggles) speaking with my therapist has been very helpful, so I would definitely encourage you to continue to search for the right one. Don;t worry you are not alone in not finding the perfect one right away I had to go through a few bad eggs too. Okay this is getting long. So best of luck ! Perhaps we can become better acquainted through our blogs.

    • It’s not so much that I think people don’t care–it’s more just the feeling that everything is pointless right now and nothing is going to make me feel better. I feel like I’m no good at connecting with people, especially in real life. I can do superficial relationships for work–my job involves a LOT of working with people and relationship building–but it never goes beyond that superficial level. And when I do manage to make real friends, I’m terrible about maintaining the relationship, so eventually it just fades away. It’s my own fault, but I honestly don’t know what else to do.

      I should be looking for another therapist, but I just don’t see the point. I live in a small town in a mostly rural area, and I don’t have a car. Also, a lot of days I can barely walk, even with my cane. So that limits my choices. On top of that, I need someone who has experience with clients with severe trauma and dissociative disorders, preferably DID. And then the therapist has to accept both Medicare and Medicaid. Suffice it to say that does not leave me with a lot of options. I’ve been through 4 therapists in the last 2 years, and none of them have worked out; three of them didn’t work out in ways that were traumatic for me. I don’t know if I can deal with that again without completely falling apart, and no one can guarantee that a new therapist wouldn’t also end in some traumatic manner. I know it’s unreasonable to need/want that, but without that guarantee, I’m afraid to risk it again.

      • lhill1

        I’m sorry to hear that has been your experience. Being unable to drive sucks. And it is very limiting in a small town , I get that.

      • If I had my way, I’d move back to Boston. There are a lot more resources there, but you can live in the suburbs so it doesn’t feel like you’re surrounded by so much of everything all the time like you do in NYC. (My boyfriend lives there, and I can only tolerate it for a couple of days.) But it’s so expensive to live there, and I couldn’t even afford the move. When I’m rich…

  5. I think a lot of people have been right where you are. Keep working on things- sometimes we make huge progress, sometimes it’s only baby steps…fear itself is the enemy sometimes. xo

    • It’s not even really fear I’m feeling these days–just apathy about almost everything. I have no motivation to do anything beyond sitting in bed watching Netflix. Some of that is fatigue, but I think more of it is depression. And I don’t know how to get out of that, even with baby steps.

      • That is a hard one, and I know you are struggling with a lot. That sounds like pretty strong depression when the apathy kicks in. Can you start with some simple stretches and yoga in bed? Keep writing about how you feel, and post it to stay connected with us 🙂 Don’t beat yourself up, life ain’t easy, and Netflix has some pretty entertaining stuff. Maybe your brain needs to just turn off and decompress for a little while?

      • Actually, apathetic depression is better than what I used to get. I spent years chronically suicidal. Oddly, I think almost dying from UC made me realize I don’t really want to die.

        But the apathy really sucks. I just want to feel connected to the world and people.

        I might look up some bed yoga or something. I think I could manage that level of activity.

      • Thanks for liking so many of my posts, I appreciate it. Sometimes it’s brutally difficult to write things out and then post them in public, so your support means a lot. I’ve never met you but I love you! Take care of yourself- you are worth it.

      • Yes, I understand the fear of putting yourself out there. For me, it feels crappy when I do put myself out there and it seems like no one hears me. Often, I don’t know what to say to people, so I use the like button as a way of letting them know I hear them.

      • I agree. It sucks to not be heard. It’s beautiful that you help others feel validated. It’s appreciated!

  6. happilydpressed

    I hope you feel better soon…my email is free if you need to talk

  7. I’ve felt really lonely and disconnected lately too. I know it doesn’t help, really. Hopefully you’re feeling at least a little better after writing this, sometimes I do.

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