I’m doing a bit better this morning, thank god.
I did wind up calling C last night because it was either that or I was going to start cutting, so I figured calling her was the wiser course of action. She even said she doesn’t mind at all when I call because she knows how isolated I am and how little support I have. It was one of those things that I knew rationally, but I needed someone else to say it out loud so I knew I wasn’t making it up. She managed to calm me down some, which really helped. She’s good at that. Sometimes I just need a voice of reason who’s outside my head. I can usually be pretty rational; I like numbers and statistics and data more than the average person, apparently. But when I go crazy, even though that ability to think rationally is still there, it just doesn’t help. The crazy is too much stronger. C wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t already said to myself, but I needed to hear it anyway. I don’t know exactly why it works that way, but whatever. At least I know what I need in those situations, even though it’s weird.
I realized while I was on the phone with C last night that probably a major component of my crazy right now is hormones. I don’t think I’ve talked about it much before here, but I have bad PMDD. Some months it’s not so bad, but some months it’s pretty horrific. I used to take birth control, which helped, and then I switched to straight progesterone when the birth control stopped helping as much. But now my insurance won’t let my psychiatrist write that prescription for me anymore. I tried to get it from my primary care doctor, but he wouldn’t do it–I think he was nervous about the other meds I’m on and the UC. Ex-Nurse is trying to get me an appointment with a trauma-sensitive OB/GYN, but that’s proving to be kind of difficult.
So for the time being, Ex-Nurse got Psychiatrist to write her a prescription for progesterone, and she’s going to fill it and give it to me. (Psychiatrist knows this is the plan and has approved it. He’s cool like that.) Technically it’s insurance fraud, but I don’t think either of us feels bad about it. We’re just trying to do what’s necessary to control a dangerous disease. I don’t have a problem with breaking the rules if it doesn’t hurt anyone, and this is one of those cases. It’s a relief I’ll be able to get it until I can see an OB/GYN and get a legitimate prescription.
I’m pretty exhausted today, and my whole body hurts after the bicycle debacle. It feels like I did an intense workout, but I didn’t. (I wish I still could! I miss my martial arts training!) I see Idiot Case Manager in an hour…bleh. She called today, AGAIN, and totally blew off the not getting my voicemails issue. I’m not telling her about my meltdown last night or my housing issue–I’m not giving her any excuses to hospitalize me or put me in a group home. I’ll just tell her I’ve been really sick, which is true. I really don’t want to deal with her at all, but I don’t feel like I have much of a choice.