I’m alive.

I’m doing a bit better this morning, thank god.

I did wind up calling C last night because it was either that or I was going to start cutting, so I figured calling her was the wiser course of action.  She even said she doesn’t mind at all when I call because she knows how isolated I am and how little support I have.  It was one of those things that I knew rationally, but I needed someone else to say it out loud so I knew I wasn’t making it up.  She managed to calm me down some, which really helped.  She’s good at that.  Sometimes I just need a voice of reason who’s outside my head.  I can usually be pretty rational; I like numbers and statistics and data more than the average person, apparently.  But when I go crazy, even though that ability to think rationally is still there, it just doesn’t help.  The crazy is too much stronger.  C wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t already said to myself, but I needed to hear it anyway.  I don’t know exactly why it works that way, but whatever.  At least I know what I need in those situations, even though it’s weird.

I realized while I was on the phone with C last night that probably a major component of my crazy right now is hormones.  I don’t think I’ve talked about it much before here, but I have bad PMDD.  Some months it’s not so bad, but some months it’s pretty horrific.  I used to take birth control, which helped, and then I switched to straight progesterone when the birth control stopped helping as much.  But now my insurance won’t let my psychiatrist write that prescription for me anymore.  I tried to get it from my primary care doctor, but he wouldn’t do it–I think he was nervous about the other meds I’m on and the UC.  Ex-Nurse is trying to get me an appointment with a trauma-sensitive OB/GYN, but that’s proving to be kind of difficult.

So for the time being, Ex-Nurse got Psychiatrist to write her a prescription for progesterone, and she’s going to fill it and give it to me.  (Psychiatrist knows this is the plan and has approved it.  He’s cool like that.)  Technically it’s insurance fraud, but I don’t think either of us feels bad about it.  We’re just trying to do what’s necessary to control a dangerous disease.  I don’t have a problem with breaking the rules if it doesn’t hurt anyone, and this is one of those cases.  It’s a relief I’ll be able to get it until I can see an OB/GYN and get a legitimate prescription.

I’m pretty exhausted today, and my whole body hurts after the bicycle debacle.  It feels like I did an intense workout, but I didn’t.  (I wish I still could!  I miss my martial arts training!)  I see Idiot Case Manager in an hour…bleh.  She called today, AGAIN, and totally blew off the not getting my voicemails issue.  I’m not telling her about my meltdown last night or my housing issue–I’m not giving her any excuses to hospitalize me or put me in a group home.  I’ll just tell her I’ve been really sick, which is true.  I really don’t want to deal with her at all, but I don’t feel like I have much of a choice.



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10 responses to “I’m alive.

  1. I am glad you were able to avert possible crisis by calling C last night. I’m the same way — I can tell myself something a million times, but sometimes I need to HEAR someone say it to me. I don’t know why that is either. Maybe that constant hunt for validation, in my case. Cheers to a better day, Hope!

    • Are you an auditory learner? I am, and I think that’s why I need to hear things out loud from people. That way the voices in my head can’t tell me I’m just being crazy or making it up because the other person actually said it.

      • I’m actually more of a visual learner, but I can see what you’re saying. I think for me, it’s all about validation. Constantly seeking. Annoying habit.

      • Ah, yeah, the validation makes perfect sense too. I think that’s probably part of it for me as well.

  2. Relieved to hear you are okay for now. Whatever did the trick is fine with me! Take care, Pam

  3. mandy

    I didn’t read about your bike accident till later-no wonder you felt so undone. Kudos to you for calling. Even if a person tells you what you already know, it’s that connection to another human that can bring us back to a safe place. So glad you feel better.

  4. I’m glad to hear that you’re ok and that C could help you.

  5. Jay

    Your post makes me want to shout: SCREW THE SYSTEM! I feel angry on your (and others’) behalf that the system which is supposed to help the vulnerable and pained ends up causing more pain and feelings of isolation and desperation.

    I understand rules are in place to ensure people don’t overmedicate, self-medicate etc, but it also creates excessive red tape and forces some people to do things their own way, as you did. Glad you were able to find a creative solution and have willing accomplices who care about your wellbeing.

    How are you feeling today?

  6. Yeah, the medical establishment often fails people, especially those of us who are “complicated cases” with several chronic illnesses. The system usually treats us like a collection of diseased parts instead of people trying to be whole. Sometimes I just want to give up on getting any medical help, but then it gets too bad to tolerate on my own.

    Tonight/today/tomorrow (it’s 2:00 a.m., so I never know how to refer to it) I’m doing better emotionally, but physically I feel pretty terrible. That’s a little worrying because I’m going away to Boston for three days, but I’m about to go to bed and hope the sleep helps. I don’t want to be sick for the trip, but my body doesn’t usually cater to my wishes.

  7. PMDD is awful. I’ve watched my mom suffering with it for years. I’m so so sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. Glad you found someone to reach out to.

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