I’m feeling pretty unbearably awful tonight. I want to cut or purge…just something, anything to make the feelings go away. I feel like I’m going to explode, and I want to die. I mean, not really, you know, but I just right now don’t want to be alive. This is the point at which I should probably call somebody for help and support, but who? C isn’t really my team leader anymore, so I shouldn’t bother her when she’s no longer getting paid to deal with my drama. Idiot Case Manager is utterly useless and apparently never checks her messages in the office anyway. I don’t have a therapist anymore because I fired her and then she fired me. I don’t have friends anymore. There is literally no one left and I’m all alone and I just can’t do this anymore, any of it. I just want somebody to give me a hug and help me figure all this out. But there’s no one, and that’s probably all my fault.
I just can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. I try but I can’t anymore. I’m just not good enough at life. I want to just give up and never get out of bed again, just be comatose forever or until things are okay again, which feel like the same thing.
Sorry. I’m sorry.