I’m feeling pretty unbearably awful tonight.  I want to cut or purge…just something, anything to make the feelings go away.  I feel like I’m going to explode, and I want to die.  I mean, not really, you know, but I just right now don’t want to be alive.  This is the point at which I should probably call somebody for help and support, but who?  C isn’t really my team leader anymore, so I shouldn’t bother her when she’s no longer getting paid to deal with my drama.  Idiot Case Manager is utterly useless and apparently never checks her messages in the office anyway.  I don’t have a therapist anymore because I fired her and then she fired me.  I don’t have friends anymore.  There is literally no one left and I’m all alone and I just can’t do this anymore, any of it.  I just want somebody to give me a hug and help me figure all this out.  But there’s no one, and that’s probably all my fault.

I just can’t do this.  I’m not strong enough.  I try but I can’t anymore.  I’m just not good enough at life.  I want to just give up and never get out of bed again, just be comatose forever or until things are okay again, which feel like the same thing.

Sorry.  I’m sorry.

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18 Comments

June 24, 2014 · 12:08 am

18 responses to “

  1. mandy

    Hope, I’m so sorry you feel this terrible. I have felt that before, not being good at life. It happens when we are overwhelmed beyond what we can handle. You are facing some pretty overwhelming stuff. I hope you can find someone to call. Here’s a ((hug))–I wish I could offer more.

  2. Yeah, I know, I know. I just commented on your earlier post, because I was feeling so bad too earlier on tonight and had to stop writing what I was writing or I would have gone down the tubes myself…Hope you can get some sleep, which will “knit up some of those raveled sleeves of care.” It always does. Affectionately, Pam
    Remember, tomorrow IS another day…

  3. I’m sending you hugs and love because you are amazing and wonderful and I know you can make it through the shit storm. xoxo

  4. Jay

    I wish I could make all the pain go away and inject confidence and love into your system forever. I just wanted to say that I think you a pretty amazing person for feeling this way and yet still leaving such a thoughtful, compassionate and helpful comment on my blog. It’s true that I don’t know you but I saw something very special in what you did x

    • If you ever figure out how to do that, let me know. I’ll be first in line! 🙂

      It helps me when things are rough to get out of my own head for a while, you know? And talking to people, even if it’s via blogs, makes me feel more connected, even when things are bad for me.

  5. I sometimes think I’m not good at life too … but then again, it’s true… feelings change and days pass and maybe tomorrow you’ll feel a bit better again.
    I hope that you can manage to reach out for help when you feel like this. You’re a good person and don’t deserve any of these issues and bad feelings. xx

    • Thanks–I am doing a bit better today. It does suck to feel like you’re no good at life, doesn’t it? I suspect a lot of people feel that way, and the truth is that nobody’s got it down pat. We all have things we screw up and things we’re good at, and most stuff falls somewhere in between.

  6. Olivia Hope

    I’m soooo sorry things are so dark and unbearable right now.. I do hope you found the strength to make it threw the night and things seem abit easier now…You are strong, your are smart and you do deserve comfort and support.. I know these is just on line but hopefully knowing from afar people (I) are thinking of you and sending you a supportive hug. having been in such a state myself many times I can relate. I hope you find help/comfort with people in person near you.. till than know your not alone online.

    • Thanks; that’s very kind of you. I did make it through the night okay, and I’m doing a bit better today, although my brain is pretty scrambled. I appreciate your support and kindness.

  7. Hope, I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. As you know, I’ve been through my own rough patch here a bit, as well. I read a poem (and you know how I usually hate poems) this morning that really spoke to me. I’m going to copy/paste here. It helped me, maybe you will see something in it as well. As my mom says, “can’t hurt, might help.”

    When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
    When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill.
    When the funds are low and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
    Life is queer with its twists and turns,
    As every one of us sometimes learns.
    And many a fellow turns about,
    When he might have won had he stuck it out.
    Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
    You may succeed with another blow.

    Often the goal is nearer than
    It seems to a faint and faltering man.
    Often the struggler has given up,
    When he might have captured the victor’s cup.
    And he learned too late when the night came down,
    How close he was to the golden crown.
    Success is failure turned inside out,
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
    And you never can tell how close you are,
    It may be near when it seems afar.
    So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
    It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
    Author Unknown

    • Thanks…I’m doing better today.

      Since you mentioned poetry–which I do love (former creative writing major, sorry!)–here’s a few lines of Tennyson’s “Ulysses,” a poem that resonates a lot with me lately:
      …and tho’
      We are not now that strength which in old days
      Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
      One equal temper of heroic hearts,
      Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
      To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

      I’m not sure I have a heroic heart, but yeah–it doesn’t yield.

      • Thanks for sharing that — I really like it! I don’t think I have a heroic heart — but to strive and seek and find — heck yeah!

      • If you’re not TOOOOO opposed to poetry, you might want to read the whole poem. The language is archaic and sometimes difficult to get through (or that might be my brain fog), but the poem really speaks to me about what it’s like to realize I’m not as capable of some things as I used to be, as a result of the battles I’ve fought…but it’s a hopeful poem. That bit I posted was the end, so it’s not all about losses.

  8. Wish I could offer some helpful advice. Love you. Just the same. Xx

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